Parshas Chayei Sarah

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Parshas Chayei Sarah


Rabboisai,

I write this Dvar Toirah while on an international flight en route to an annual gathering in commemoration of this week's Parsha, Parshas Chayei Sarah. Thousands of people focus on the first half of the Parsha and gather in Chevroin every year to celebrate the burial place of Sarah Imainu. I, on the other hand, will be joining a group of people commemorating the second half of the Parsha, the marriage of Yitzchak Avinu to three-year-old Rivka Imainu, by traveling to Thailand to have relations with a group of underage girls.

This week's Parsha, of course, begins with the passing of our foremother, Sarah Imainu. RASHI tells us that Sarah died as a result of hearing that her husband, Avraham, had taken their only son to be slaughtered at the alter. The RAMBAM asks the question: Why should Sarah have been shocked? Where was her faith in the Rebboinoisheloilum? Was she not ready for the Aimishteh's test? Was she tempted by the Yetzer Harah, the Evil Inclination, to question her belief in the all knowing, rational and loving Hakkadoshboruchhu who expressed His divine love by suggesting that Yitzchak be grilled to perfection like ribs at a July 4th barbecue? Did she not want her son to be slaughtered, so he could die for all our sins? (OOPS, wrong religion. Sorry.) 

Indeed, it was not Sarah who mentally snapped as a result of Akeidas Yitzchak, the Binding of Isaac, at the end of last week's Parsha. It was Avraham Avinu. According to a famous medrish in Beraishis Rabbah, this Parsha is testimony to that fact that Avraham completely lost his marbles after the Akeidah. Note the evidence of his nervous breakdown:

-- We are told, not once -- but twice, that Avraham bows down to the "Am Ha'aretz," the People of the Land, to express his humility and gratitude for their support (Beraishis, Perek Chuff Gimmul, Psukim Zayin and Yood Bayz). How can Avraham Avinu, our forefather, the man who discovered Hakadoshboruchhu, the man who invented string cheese and the iPad, prostrate himself before other human beings? Did he not realize that the only thing he should EVER bow down to was the Rebboinoisheloilum, the Melech Malchei Hamelliachim -- unless of course someone had dropped a quarter? However, the medrish quotes Rabbi Akiva as saying that at this point in his life, Avraham was so deluded and confused he would bow down to a cow every time he had a potato with a little sour cream on it. He would even bow down to his dry cleaner everytime he picked up his shirts. 

-- Avraham Avinu barters to gain the right to bury his beloved Sarah in Meuras Hamachpeilah. Ephroin, the property's owner, gives Avraham the land and does not want payment. Avraham, however, insists upon counting out four hundred shekels of silver as payment to Ephroin. So what's pshat "payment"? Why didn't Avraham just chop off one his arms and present it to Ephroin, instead of giving away money for no reason? Maybe he should have given away his ATM card and his PIN code, while he was at it? 

-- Avraham decides to send his manservant, Eliezer, to find a wife for his son, Yitzchak. To secure his commitment, Avraham asks that Eliezer, his servant, put his hand "underneath Avraham's thigh." Wow. That is progressive. According to Rabbi Akiva, after the death of his wife, Avraham was so randy he was open to "all lifestyle alternatives." Indeed, there is a separate Braisah in Masechess Pesachim that suggests that following Sarah's death, Avraham Avinu joined a local S&M club, spent six months in a nudist colony, and made seventy five dollars a week posing for an art class at his local community college. 

Avraham's mental state is of course balanced with the beautiful story of the discovery of Rivka. After being sworn to his commitment to find a wife for Yitzchak, Eliezer sets out on his quest. As he reaches a well, he decides that he will anticipate a divine sign: the appearance of a woman who will offer drink to both him and his camels. The RADAK asks the question: why did Eliezer choose a sign based on a woman's action, rather than a visual metaphor, such as a yellow ribbon on the woman's dress or a tattoo on the small of her back? The Toirah Temimah answers that, mamesh, Eliezer was indeed looking for such a sign: he was hoping that as the women bent down to fetch the water he would catch a glimpse of her cleavage. Says the Toirah Temimah, Eliezer had also committed to Avraham that the bride he would bring back to his master's son would have a Double-Daled cup.

Of course, all of these expectations were turned upside down when Eliezer saw Rivka for the first time. We are told specifically by the passook that Eliezer noticed her great beauty. We are also told that Rivka "was a virgin; she had known no man." An obvious question arises: why did the Toirah have to repeat itself -- wasn't this a redundant statement? RASHI tells us, however, that the local girls had strange sexual practices that enabled sexual activity without the surrender of one's maidenhead. (He really does say that, by the way. Look it up.) Who ever heard of such a practice amongst youth?!? But the RASHBAM disagrees. He suggests that the verse is telling us that while Rivka had not had a sexual relationship with a man, her femininity had been "totally awakened" as an active member of the LPGA tour, if you know what I mean. 

And now the strangest part of the Parsha: nowhere in the Parsha are we told Rivka's age, but Rabbinic tradition has always deduced that Rivka was three years old when she was discovered by Eliezer and brought into Yitzchak's tent for consummation of their marital relationship. How can this be? Was Yitzchak some kind of pervert? 

According to a Gemarra in Maseches Nidah, Yitzchak was indeed a pervert. Says the Gemarra, the reason that Yitzchak didn't marry until the age of forty is that as a counselor in Yeshivas Shame V'Eyver Basketball and Learning Camp, Yitzchak sexually abused three of his charges and spent the next twenty two years in prison. As proof, the Gemarra cites a Braisa that states that the reason Avraham insisted that Yitzchak, his son, not marry a local Canaanite woman was NOT because he wouldn't want one as a daughter in law. Adderabbah! It was because Yitzchak had to register with the local authorities as a convicted sex offender, and therefore no local woman was willing to date him.

But according to Rav Saadya Goyn, Yitzchak Avinu was no more perverted than any other man at that time. LeOylam, every man in those days married underage girls. As proof, he cites a medrish that says that Avraham Avinu married Sarah Imainu when she was one and a half, and Noiach married Mrs. Noiach when she was an aborted fetus.

I am reminded of a Maiseh Shehoya. Reb Yisroel Salanter once traveled to Siberia to attend a celebrity golf tournament. As customary, he lodged at the home of a local eskimo. When it came time to go to sleep, the eskimo said to Reb Yisroel, "Nu, Reb Yisroel, we have a minhag here when guests stay over: Please take my wife to sleep with for the night."

Reb Yisroel looked at him sternly and responded, "That is unacceptable! Aishess Ish is a Dioraisa. However, do you have any children I can sleep with instead?"

To which the eskimo responded: "Rebbe, I knew you were here for a fundraiser, but I did not know it was a Yeshiva Torah Temimah event. Please forgive me!"

So, unfortunately, more than a few members of our community still like to keep up the tradition of Yitzchak Avinu. 

So next time you are tempted to poke fun at the Catholic Church, hold your tongue until you have investigated your own institutions. Whether it is Yeshiva University. Or Satmar. Or Lakewood. Or the Riverdale Jewish Center. Or...

Ah Gutten Shabbos, You Minuval.

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Rabbi Pinky Schmeckelstein
Rosheshiva
Yeshivas Chipass Emmess

Presidential Endorsement by Rabbi Pinky Schmeckelstein: Donald J. Trump

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Presidential Endorsement by Rabbi Pinky Schmeckelstein: Donald J. Trump


Rabboisai,

Shtayt in Passook, it says in the Toirah: Sefer Republicans, Parshas 2016 Presidential Race, Perek Lamud Chess, Passook Aleph through Passook Yood Tesssss:

(א) Vayoimer Donald El Billy Bush Leymor -- And Donald sayeth to Billy Bush, saying.

(ב) "I moved on her, and I failed. I’ll admit it.”

(ג) “Whoa,” said, Billy Bush, who was also knowneth by his nickname, Burning.

(ד) “I did try and fuck her. She was married,” Donald said.

(ה) "And I moved on her very heavily. In fact, I took her out furniture shopping.”

(ו) “She wanted to get some furniture.”

(ז) “I said, ‘I’ll show you where they have some nice furniture.’”

(ח) “I moved on her like a bitch, but I couldn’t get there. And she was married."

(ט) And Donald paused thoughtfully.

(י) "Then all of a sudden I see her, she’s now got the big phony tits and everything. She’s totally changed her look.”

(יא) At that point, Donald and Burning saweth Arianne Zucker, the actress waiting to escort them to the town well.

(יב) “Your girl’s hot as shit, in the purple,” said Burning.

(יג) “Whoa!” Donald sayeth. “Whoa. I’ve got to use some Tic Tacs, just in case I start kissing her.”

(יד) “You know I’m automatically attracted to beautiful — I just start kissing them.”

(טו) “It’s like a magnet. Just kiss. I don’t even wait.”

(טז) “And when you’re a star, they let you do it. You can do anything.”

(יז) “Whatever you want,” agreeeth Burning Bush.

(יח) And the Donald sayeth, “Grab them by the pussy.”

(יט) “You can do anything.”

(Editorial note: Translation courtesy of Art Scroll, 2016.)

Rabboisai, this recently rediscovered scroll has caused great shock waves across Klal Yisroel and all of the Nations of the world. "Donald is a false Messiah," some even claim. But Donald is a great man, a man of nuance, of layers. As CHAZAL teach us, Shivim Panim LaToirah”, “There are seventy faces to the words of the Toirah.” So to study and truly understand the Donald is no different than studying Yankif Avinu, Aroin HaKoihain, and Dovid HaMelech. We do not hold by Pashut Pshat, but must understand the Pessukim through the prism of CHAZAL.

Yankif Avinu approaches his blind father dressed in the clothing of his brother Eisav, and proceeds to steal his elder twin's birthright. While the Torah in Pashut Pshat implies some degree of criticism of Yankif’s behavior, and the circumstances arranged by Hakadoshboruchhu to have Lavan switch Leah for Rochel may be understood as Midah KiNeged Midah, a punishment whereby Yankif is penalized for his dishonesty by being the victim of a similar dishonest action, CHAZAL go out of their way to demonize Eisav. While the Toirah presents him as the unchosen brother, CHAZAL present Eisav as evil through and through – just like you, you Mechutziff -- and fundamentally whitewashes the dishonesty of Yankif. An ignoramus like you might believe that Yankif did something wrong, but CHAZAL teach us that Eisav deserved every misdeed done to him. After all, Eisav was a hairy Sheygitz who turned faking respect for his father into a lifelong Hollywood act. He was such a good actor, he even showed up at his father’s burial and mourned. What a faker!

Aroin HaKoihain responds to Moishe Rabbeinu's disappearance on Har Sinai by creating the Eigel HaZahav and driving Klal Yisroel into idolatry a mere 40 days after receiving the Toirah. Upon descent from the mountain, Moishe shatters the Luchois, and together with Aroin, crushes the burnt Eigel into water, forces Klal Yisroel to drink of the waters, and then sets the Levi'im to massacre 3,000 people. But what of Aroin HaKoihain, the Minuval? A MeChutziff like you might have thought that Aroin committed a mortal sin, a crime against the Aimishteh Himself. But you would be wrong, you Vilda Chaya!! CHAZAL teach us that Aroin was simply stalling for time. He started off with 15 minutes of stand-up comedy, followed by singing a few Sinatra songs. Then he gave an inspirational speech, based on the teachings of Tony Robbins. Then he read a few of Shakespeare’s sonnets. So the Eigel was just the next step on his stall tactics. Aroin was a Tzaddik! How can you not have understood that, you Shkutz?!?!

Finally, as is well known, Dovid HaMelech saw Bassssheva bathing naked, across the valley. She was very beautiful, and also very married to Uriah HaChiti, one of Dovid’s most loyal soldiers. But Dovid sent for Bassssheva to be brought to him, and he slept with her. And when he found out that she was pregnant, Dovid HaMelech ultimately arranged for Uriah to be killed on the battlefield, after which Nosson HaNavi, Nathan the Prophet, came to Dovid to express the displeasure of the Reboinoisheloilum.

Now, a Menuval like you might understand this episode in a terribly negative light. But the Talmud tells us that Dovid HaMelech was indeed without sin. What appears to us in the Pashut Pshat, the plain meaning of the Passook, as Dovid HaMelech seducing a married woman, impregnating her, and having her husband killed, was actually the will of Hakadoshboruchhu, even though the Toirah says quite the opposite! No, the Aimishteh really wanted Dovid HaMelech to seduce Bassssheva, for through her would emerge the next king, Shloimoi HaMelech, and the line of Moshiach Tzitdkeinu, the Messiah. You may have thought that Dovid HaMelech was at best a seducer and at worst a rapist, but he was acting at the will of the Reboinoisheloilum. Thank you CHAZAL! We would never have figured this one out by ourselves without your deep whitewash… errrr… insights into the underlying truth.

And so it is with Donald. In Pashut Pshat, Donald has indeed used unacceptable language, objectifying women in the basest terms, admitting to trying to seduce a married woman, and acknowledging that he at times is driven to kiss and grope women by the Makoim HaErva. But if you believe this at its simplest level, you would be wrong, you Am Ha’aretz!

In fact, what we see from this episode are the thoughtful actions of a natural born leader. First, a leader must be able to admit his flaws. Donald in fact does this, in Passook Baiz, "I moved on her, and I failed. I’ll admit it.” The Donald shares with us a sensitive story, how in fact he took the woman in question furniture shopping, trying to help her be a good Balabusta, a good home maker.

And how committed was he to helping her? Passook Chess tells us BeFeirush, explicitly, “I moved on her like a bitch”, he supported her in her shopping quest the way a mother dog takes care of her young pups. He is truly a Tzaddik!

Finally, perhaps the most disturbing Passook is the methodology recounted by Donald as to how best to exploit one’s celebrity and aggressively court a woman, Shtayt in Passook Yood Chess, Donald suggests to Billy “Burning” Bush that one should “Grab them by the pussy.” This indeed does sound demeaning, dismissive of woman, and an example of sexual harassment, if not an outright criminal act of sexual abuse and exploitation. But if that is what you believe, it is because you are too stupid to understand the Passook. In fact, Donald is suggesting that you help a woman, first and foremost, by holding her pet cat for her, say, when she is reading Tehillim, or dropping her children off at Yeshiva. What reads like an act of sexual aggression is in fact an act of Gemilas Chassadim, kindness and generosity.

And it is indeed this innate kindness and generosity that compels me to formally endorse Donald Trump for president.

Indeed, even if one were to take this Parsha literally, without the interpretation of Chazal, how is this any different than any actions committed by Bill Clinton? How is it any different than the acts of enablement by Hillary Clinton, who persecuted the victims of Bill?

Now, of course Bill Clinton has already been president, is not running for president, and while accused, has never been found guilty of forcing himself on a woman, even as those woman have been funded by millions of dollars coming from various anti-Clinton donors, and even as the Starr Commission and many other public investigations spent millions on exploring every rumor about Bill Clinton. And as none of those alleged encounters have been proven, assertions of Hillary Clinton’s role in their cover up are vague, at best.

Bill Clinton did of course in fact have an affair with a White House intern, and was impeached for it. It is inexcusable, and is a stain on his legacy. But that episode is long gone from our political discourse, the same way that the creamy white stain, once it was removed from Monica’s blue dress by the dry cleaners, is no longer present.

More important, Donald Trump’s deserving leadership is proven in many other ways:

-- Donald Trump is opposed to the presence of illegal immigrants, will expel them once elected, and will create a wall between the United States and Mexico. This is terrific news! I am sick and tired of going to a restaurant and having the kitchen help not understand a word I am saying! The Mexicans have been stealing our jobs; instead of illegal Mexican immigrants working in restaurant kitchens or in lawn care or in construction or in child care, those jobs should rightly be given to American citizens! Why, I know dozens of families in Brooklyn, Monsey, and KJ where the men have no work, and as a result are forced to sit and learn in Bais Medrish all day, Rachmana Letzlan. These Bochrim, instead of Shteiging while sitting on their asses, will now be able to take up the employment opportunities created by shipping those undesirables back to Mexico!

Now the best part: With a wall between Mexico and the United States, we will have the opportunity to perform many Mitzvois more easily. People living along the border will be able to use the wall as one wall of their Sukkas. This is a tremendous cost savings. And with a physical wall along the border with Mexico, all we need are walls along the border with Canada and walls along the East and West coasts in order to enclose the entire United States – serving as one massive Erev. What a Kiddush Hashem!!

Now, some of you may be wondering whether we, as Klal Yisroel, should be more sensitive to the plight of immigrants, given that the United States was founded as an immigrant nation, and that many of us, our parents, our grandparents, and great grandparents came to the country as immigrants, some legally and some in any way they could. But that was fundamentally different! After all, they were Jews fleeing anti Semites! How can you argue against their being let into this country, you self-hating Jew?!

-- Donald Trump counts among his supporters David Duke, the KKK, and various White Supremicist groups. It has been reported on many occasions that reporters of Jewish descent who have written critically of Trump have been subjected to unprecedented anti-Semitic attacks, including messages about how “Hitler forgot you” and “you should burn in the ovens”. Now, some are critical that Trump has not adequately disavowed the words and actions of these “alt activists”, as they are referred to in the Media. But… let’s face it… all of these attacks have been reported by the left wing media, which is controlled by Jews!

I do not like the Jewish Media, with their liberal sentiments and their big noses and their aspiration for world government. So why should I expect anti-Semites to like them either? After all, I am not a hypocrite!

-- Donald Trump boastingly joked during the first debate about how he is smart for not paying taxes, and subsequent reports suggest that he may not have paid personal federal income taxes for twenty years following a big loss and a large bankruptcy. Some would suggest that this is a core inconsistency for a man claiming to be a successful businessman and a fiscal genius.

But there is no inconsistency here: I have not paid taxes for the last twenty years either! And neither has anyone else I know. I say: Let the suckers…. Errrr…. Goyim pay taxes, while the rest of us focus on Avoidas Hashem, studying Toirah, and mastering the complex Sugya that is the “Tax Loss Carry Forward”

-- Donald Trump speaks about banning Moslems from entering the country, and assailed the parents of a fallen Moslem American soldier who addressed the Democratic convention. Should we be troubled by this? Of course not! After all, all of ISIS are Moslems. So of course we should keep all Moslems out of the country.

And, of course, the Russians, who are currently putting nuclear capable weapons on territory contiguous with Poland, are Orthodox Christians. So of course we should keep all Orthodox Christians out of the country. And Catholics? Do you know how many Jews they killed throughout the centuries? Of course we should keep all Catholics out of the country. And the Germans killed the Jews during the Shoah, so we should of course keep all Germans out of the country. And since many Germans are Lutherans, we should keep all Lutherans out – and in fact all who follows in the steps of Martin Luther -- meaning all Protestants, out of the country.

And the members of the Black Lives Matter movement are all black. So of course we should keep all blacks out of the country. And the Japanese attacked the US at Pearl Harbor. And the North Koreans are going nuclear. And the Chinese are taking all of our jobs. So of course we should keep out all Asians. And the British, because of the terrible job they did in Mandatory Palestine.

And, of course, Bernie Madoff is a Jew, as are numerous white collar criminals all over the country. So of course we should keep all Jews out of the country.

So, in fact, the only people who should be allowed in the country are the Native Americans. We can certainly support Donald Trump’s logic on this topic.

-- Donald Trump promises to fix our economy by negotiating with American debt holders – the countries and institutions that hold Treasury Bills and other forms of federal debt. And I applaud him for it! Why should America, the strongest economy in the world, have to pay our debts? NO ONE understands bankruptcy laws better than Donald Trump! So why not put those laws to work for US? We should be paying pennies on the dollar! And if they do not like it, what are they going to do? Not sell to us? Put sanctions against us? Go to war with us?

So what if US Treasury Bills are the cornerstone of the world’s economy, the definition of “risk free debt” in financial circles? This country was not built on avoiding risks. Did the founding fathers avoid risks when declaring independence? Did Lincoln avoid risks when freeing the slaves? Did Reagan avoid risks when he attacked Grenada? Did George W. Bush avoid risks when he attacked Iraq?

No. Leadership is built on taking risks. So if President Trump is able to renegotiate the US debt at the risk of causing the collapse of the global financial markets, it is a risk that I, for one, am willing to take. I will of course have to check that my Israeli, Canadian, EU, Saudi, and Russian citizenships are all up to date… just for documentation purposes, of course.

-- Donald Trump is committed to getting NATO to pay their fair share, those freeloaders. NATO has been the cornerstone of Western security since 1945. But NATO is sooooooo 1970s. Russia is no longer an enemy: Putin is a strong leader, a leader who is popular in his country, a leader whose own national media never criticizes him… and lives to talk about it.

All the freeloading countries should start to pay their fair share… or they are out of NATO! Germany? Who needs them in NATO! How dangerous can a Germany, disconnected from the Western powers, with a struggling economy, and left to fend for itself against the Russian threat, possibly get?!

-- Finally, there is Eretz Yisroel. Donald Trump is good for Israel. He is great for Israel. His daughter and grandchildren are even Orthodox Jews. And his principle advisors on Israeli policy read the New York Times and the AIPAC daily briefing; what other expertise could they possibly need?

Yes, Donald Trump is good for Israel. The misguided US agreement with Iran is an example of the worst agreement even negotiated! As Donald has said, rather than avoid nuclear proliferation, let’s embrace it! Why should the US have paid billions to Iran to get rid of its nuclear materiel. It is only natural that all countries in the world will get nuclear capabilities. So which way are we better off – with Israel as the only nuclear power in the region, and a united global effort to keep Iran nuclear free for the next ten years? Or with a nuclear Iran, a nuclear Saudi Arabia, a nuclear Egypt, and a nuclear Turkey? If all countries in the Middle East are nuclear, then there is no threat, because of the notion of mutual self-destruction. If one country gets nuked then all countries get nuked. It is actually a very democratic solution to the 100 year old Arab-Israeli conflict and the thousand year old Sunni-Shiite conflict. And, as we know, everyone in the Middle East behaves like rational actors, so what could possibly go wrong?

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And so, I, on behalf of Yeshivas Chipass Emmess, wholeheartedly endorse Donald Trump as the next president of the United States. He will lead this nation forward with grace, style, an even temperament, and by grabbing the country by the pussy.


Ah Gutten Shabbos, You Minuval.

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Rabbi Pinky Schmeckelstein
Rosheshiva
Yeshivas Chipass Emmess