Thursday, January 10, 2019

Sefer Shmois Drasha

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Sefer Shmois Drasha


Rabboisai,

I would like to start this week’s Drasha by reminding you that we have recently started a new Sefer in Kriyas HaToirah, Sefer Shmois. I know you probably forgot, as you were likely checking out the talent in the Ezras Nashim while the rest of the Shul shouted together “Chazak Chazak VeNisschazayk!!”. You Mechutziff!

I always found it ironic that Sefer Beraishis, a single book, covers history from the dawn of creation, four billion years ago... err... six thousand years ago, rather, but then is followed by four long, action packed books that primarily focus on Yetzias Mitzrayim - the exodus from Egypt - and the wandering of Klal Yisroel in the Midbar, roughly a period of forty years.

What’s Pshat? Avraham Avinu was not as important as Moishe Rabbeinu? Yankif Avinu wasn’t as important as Aharon HaCoihain, the Minuval? Miriam wasn’t as nasty and deceptive as Rivkah Imainu?

Seriously, shouldn’t the Toirah have taught us a bit more about the hooliganism... err... acts of Chessed of the Shvatim and a bit less about the colors of the paint on the undersides of the bolts used for holding the Mishkan together on the second Tuesday in Sivan in an Ibbur Yuhr?Couldn’t we have had a bit more action that would justify a sequel to Sefer Beraishis? Maybe we could have had a little Mishkav Zachor between Adam HaRishoyn and the snake? Maybe we could learn a bit about the cruise entertainment on Noach’s Teyvah? Were there featured singers and comedians? Were there plumbing issues. Maybe Avraham Avinu ultimately decides to slaughter someone else’s son? Maybe the Shvatim could have sold another of their brothers into slavery in place of some of the laws the Baal Koireh Leyns from the Toirah ad nauseam as we are trying to have a good conversation with our friends?

Rabboisai, this is indeed the opposite question than what is posed by RASHI when he asks why the Toirah does not start with the first Mitzvah in the Toirah instead of feeding us Bubbah Maisahs about talking snakes, towers built into the sky, and several generations of brothers who constantly try to screw each other over.

The RASHBA responds to RASHI, noting that Sefer Beraishis is included as the first Sefer Toirah specifically to warn us to never trust any of our brothers, whether they come from different mothers, or are even hairy identical twins. Our brothers will screw us over every time, so we better make like Yankif Avinu and steal from our brothers first and run away at the first possible moment. The RASHBA notes that this understanding of Beraishis is critical in order for us to comprehend why it is that Moishe Rabbeinu leads Klal Yisroel out of Egypt, through the desert, and to the brink of the Promised Land, but Aharoin HaCoihain, Moishe’s back stabbing brother, gets the Kehunah for his descendants for all eternity. Instead of trying to read his compass while wandering the desert, Moishe should have taken a half hour to review the lessons of Beraishis and made sure that Aharoin, tea Menuval, mysteriously “disappeared” while searching for his golf balls in the sand trap at the Sinai Desert Classic.

But the Sifsei Chachamim hold Farkert. LeOilum, in reality, Beraishis teaches us absolutely nothing about relationships between brothers. Rather, Sefer Beraishis warns us about nasty wives and mothers. Sarah Imainu forces Avraham Avinu to send Hagar and Yishmael to die in the desert. Rivka Imainu prompts Yankif Avinu to lie to his blind father, steal his brother Eisav’s birthright, and borrow his father’s Lexis without permission. And Rochel and Leah: Where do I start? Let’s just say that the subsequent Halacha against one man marrying two sisters was inspired by this very bad idea...

But the RAMBAN holds that Sefer Beraishis is actually a critical preface to the remaining four books of the Toirah. Sefer Beraishis begins with the creation of the world. The sky. The water. The land. Trees. Insects. Animals. Human beings. But missing from either of the two creation stories at the beginning of the Sefer: Any reference to Klal Yisroel. The world is created by the Aibishter for the benefit of all of its creations. Even when we talk about the Avois and Imahois, we see them living side by side with others, in coexistence. Avram Avinu teams up with four kings to take on five other kings in a game of full court basketball. Egypt, Mitzrayim, is a place of refuge that opens its doors to others, to refugees, during a time of famine. In sum, the world is a place that seeks harmony. I am so inspired by this notion, that If you were here right now, you Vilda Chaya, I would give you a hug.

However, Sefer Shmois begins with a very different view of the world. The open door policy of Egypt accepting Klal Yisroel with open arms turns into enslavement. A Pharoah arises that “knows not Yoseph”; instead of coexistence we have the opposite: Oppression. Antagonism. Hostility.

Says the RAMBAN, if the Toirah only began with Sefer Shmois, we would believe that the world was created for Klal Yisroel and Klal Yisroel only. We would believe that other human beings do not count. We would believe that other elements of the Reboinoisheloilum’s creations - the sky and water and the animals - are unimportant. We would believe that the world is solely ours for the taking. In other words, we would be Republicans.

But, according to the RAMBAN, Sefer Beraishis serves as a counterbalance to the rest of Chamishei Chumshei Toirah. Sefer Beraishis reminds us that all humanity was created in Hakadoishbiruchhu’s image, even you, you Minuval. If Sifrei Shmois, Vayikra, Bamidbar and Devarim teach us the importance of safeguarding our own Yiddisheh society, Sefer Beraishis reminds us that we are not alone on this earth. The eagle and the heron are our brothers (five points if you identify the reference). The Bnei Yishmael are our cousins. And Hagar, Bilhah and Zilpah are hot Shiksas that we can shack up with, as long as our wives agree. In other words, Sefer Beraishis reminds us that it is OK to be Reform Jews. Or even Democrats, Chass V’Shalom.

I am reminded of a beautiful Maiseh Shehoya about the Chernobler Rebbe. The Chernobled was giving Shirayim to his Chassidim on a Friday night. He was taking scoops of potato kugel with his hands and tossing them down to his Chassidim sitting around the long table, moving clockwise. As he made his way around the table, he noticed that the next person in line to receive the Shirayim was not a Chassid, but the Shul’s handyman and groundskeeper Piotr Christianovitch. Without hesitation, he scooped up the next bit of potato kugel and tossed it to Piotr.

Afterwards, his key aide, Reb Menachem Shmaaser, asked him, “Rebbe, how come you have a piece of the holy kugel to the groundskeeper. Isn’t that wasting some of the divine blessing on a non-Jew.”

A big smile emerged on the Chernobler’s face, and put his arm around Reb Menachem and have him a hug. He then walked him towards the front door of the Shul, and in an unexpected mood, shoved Reb Menachem out the door, into the frigid -20 degree weather.

“Tell me Reb Menachem”, the Chernobler mockingly asked, “how does it feel outside without the Shabbos Goy to turn on the heat? Do you think that Klal Yisroel can do that ourselves? We cannot even change a light bulb.”

Reb Menachem responded. “What’s the big deal about turning on the heat. It’s not like if I did it wrong it can cause a nuclear accident...”

And so, Rabboisai, as we begin Sefer Shmois, let us remember the words “Chazak Chazak VeNisschazeyk”. Our strength is not only grounded in our community, but is also grounded in our collaboration and coexistence with the broader world.

Shoyn.

Ah Gutten Shabbos, You Minuval


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Rabbi Pinky Schmeckelstein
Rosheshiva
Yeshivas Chipass Emmess

Tuesday, January 01, 2019

NEW: The Peoples Democratic Republic of Yidden

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THE COLLECTED WRITINGS OF RABBI PINKY SCHMECKELSTEIN

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Rabbi_Pinky
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NEW: The Peoples Democratic Republic of Yidden



Rabboisai,


While I was away on my four-month hiatus... I received several notes of concern. Several. Only several. 


What the Tashmish HaMitah is wrong with you people? I prepare Toirah for you, day in and day out, בשבתכי בבתי ובלכתכי בדרכי, בשכבכי, ובקומי... And all I get are “several”? You Menuvals!!


You should all be ashamed of yourselves. You call yourselves Talmidim? Did you at least recite Tehillim to Hakadoishboruchhu for me? Or give money to Tzedakah in my Zchooossss? Or travel to Eretz Yisrael and place a little Kepitl into the Koisel, asking for a Bracha from the Reboinoisheloilum on my behalf? Or travel to Uman and make a LeChaim while chanting to the Aimishteh at the Kever of Rebbe Nachman? Or travel to Mecca to offer an animal sacrifice to Allah? Or visit the Vatican to light a candle and pray to Yushka? Or travel to India to light incense and chant in praise of Lord Shiva. Or travel to Woodstock and smoke some Besamim LeShame Shamayim while listening to some serious Rock? Or travel to Washington DC to tell President Trump that he is the BEST PRESIDENT EVER!


How could you know that I was off on the adventure of a lifetime. Traveling. At times undercover. At times appearing as the Erlichah Yid I am as I write this Drasha, and at other times appearing as a secularist with humanistic sensibilities combined with a strong Jewish identity that recognizes the critical importance of national and “tribal” self-determination, potato kugel, and having a clean towel at the Mikvah.


Ich Vais.


It started in Labor Day, early September. I received a call.


“Hello”.


“Mr. Schmeckelstein!”


“That is Rabbi Schmeckelstein to you!”


“Okay. Mr. Schmeckelstein, How would you like to do something special for your people?”


“Sir, I do not know who you are, but I have already given lot of Tzedakah this year. (At this point I jingled a handful of change in front of the phone.) How would YOU like to do something special for YOUR people?”


“No, Mr. Schmeckelstein, we are not asking for money. We would Iike to discuss you joining an organization that does very important work for the nation, where activities are strategic, and where your actions can make a significant contribution to the national future.”


“Listen, I am not into the whole Chabad Tanya thing. My liver cannot handle all the vodka. And that whole ‘wearing the Rebbe’s shirt under the Chupah’ thing is a little too pagan for my taste. But I am happy to make a donation to the Moshiach fund, to help pay for a full page ad in the New York Times. That will certainly bring about the redemption, because I know that I would change my entire lifestyle and religious beliefs after seeing an ad in the paper. It happens to me at least three times a week!”


“No, not that nation. Your other nation.”


“You mean the US government? I already contribute to the US economy by stealing less federal education funding that most other Yeshivas. I deserve a reward!”


“No. No. Not that nation.”


“Do you mean the State of Israel? Hey - I am a Jew, but not a citizen of Israel. I think it is terrible that the Zionist Toirah Haters are trying to force Erlicheh Yeshiva boys to abandon their rigorous Talmudic studies in order to sit lazily on the borders of Lebanon and Gaza and be Mevatel Toirah all day. In fact, all female soldiers - secular and religious - should leave the army immediately and join seminaries. And all the men should abandon their units and study Toirah Yoimum V’Layla. Israel needs an army of Toirah scholars, not an army of soldiers. Did Klal Yisrael have soldiers in Eastern Europe? Of course not! And that brought our people centuries of the most profound Toirah scholarship! Gosh I miss those days...”


“Mr. Schmeckelstein, That is closer to what I was discussing. Although it is not for the State of Israel. On the contrary. Our institution is committed to religious study for many years, later followed by military service. We believe that people cannot serve as soldiers for a great cause unless they have a solid spiritual foundation. So they must study for months, if not years. But they must also go through military training and activity on the ground to reinforce that training.”


“Makes sense. I am in.”


“Great! We will send you plane tickets in the mail. We will have a member of the leadership of the Army of God pick you up at the airport!!”


“I already told you. I am not into Lubavitch. I do not need a Tzivas Hashem guy to pick me up in Ben Gurion Airport in Tel Aviv!!”


“Who said anything about Tel Aviv? You will receive your tickets in the mail to Beirut International Airport, and a member of Hezbollah will be there to pick you up!!”


Shoyn.


Rabboisai - Maybe the Hezbollah and the Mullah’s in Iran are on to something... Maybe the Jewish answer to our cultural clash between tradition and modernity should be the intentional meshing of both. 


And so, I would like to officially announce the new mandate of Yeshivas Chipass Emess. Once and for all, we are going to bring about the world as it should be.


I will be officially relocating my Yeshiva from Brooklyn, in Eretz HaKoidesh, to a new homeland in Eretz HaCana’anim. My new Yeshiva will be located in the Jewish Quarter… Which is wherever I lay my Shtreimel! It is from there that we shall announce the establishment of a new Jewish entity - to be called “The Peoples Democratic Republic of Yidden” or the “PDRY” or, simply, “Memsheless Yidden”. 


As Rosheshiva of Yeshivas Chipass Emess, I will be the Supreme Religious Leader of Memsheless Yidden. I will also serve as its new Supreme Political Leader.


What will we stand for in Memsheless Yidden? Well- of course! Ruling a modern state requires Rules of the Community:


First off - We will be for law and order!! The Toirah tells us to keep Shabboskoidesh, and by Reboinoisheloilum we will keep Shabboskoidesh! And if someone is Mechallel Shabbos... Law and Order! Skilah for a DeOiraisa. Makkois for a DeRabbanan. Lots of Makkois!!


And when someone is guilty of Kurais... a punishment from Shamayim... let’s just say that we will “help” the sinner get to Shamayim a bit early... I am the Supreme Religious Leader, after all.


Second - We will be for security! As we all know - “Yisrael Betach BaShem” - We are secure because of our relationship to the Reboinoisheloilum. And how do we ensure that security? Through learning Toirah and performing Mitzvois. So... in Memsheless Yidden, all men will learn Toirah every single day! It will be the first Koilel Nation (TM).


What will the women do? Why - they will be mothers. And they will teach. And they will be accountants. And work on computers. And do medical billing. And one can be a judge, maybe. And they will also work in medical care... as Mikvah ladies. And they will cook and clean and perform every labor needed to keep their men learning in Koilel, just the way Hakadoishboruchhu likes them to.


Third - Our homeland stands for modesty. Modesty in thought and modesty in deed. People must be modest and realize that they are just temporary guests on the Aimisheh’s planet. Consequently... they must subjugate their will to... mine. They must commit allegiance to me... by promising to perform my every will, even when they are sick in bed with the flu, stoned, and watching old episodes of Spongebob. Even then they must be willing to get up and fetch me groceries.


Fourth - We believe in family. People must marry young. And have lots of babies. Lots of them. And single people? They are the embodiment of the Yetzer Harrah, only with two arms, two legs, and an Erva. They are dangerous, and must be married off immediately upon reaching puberty, or three years of age, whichever comes first.

Now, what happens if someone wants to leave Memsheless Yidden? Well, they can go. But they cannot take the children. The children belong to Klal Yisrael - which is now embodied in our Heiligeh community. And if someone tries to take our children away? Well... we will get them back. We have our ways...

Fifth – We are all about education! Especially diverse and well rounded education. None of this “All Gemarrah all the time” education. No! We also believe in studying Mishnah and Toseftah. We also like to balance the curriculum with practical subjects, such as how to recognize clothing with Shatnez and how to maximize government benefits. And we also have an athletic program, where students get to practice throwing rocks at cars.

Sixth – In the spirit of Kibuv Av, we believe in respect for elders, all elders. So if any of our adults are accused of anything, say… such as sexual abuse… we will make sure that the accused is defended by the best lawyers, and will pronounce his innocence to the world. And is he still is sentenced to jail, we will host a Kiddush in his honor before he heads off to jail.

So, you may ask, what is the difference between Memsheless Yidden and Eretz HaKoidesh in Brooklyn and Monsey and KJ, and that place up in Canada, you know, that place where the Chassidim speak Yiddish with a French Canadian accent? Or between The Peoples Democratic Republic of Yidden and Eretz Yisroel?

Some might suggest that our little community in Guatemala is a bit of a cult. However, we are just the same as the Toirah communities in Eretz HaKoidesh and Eretz Yisroel. We share the same values: Enforcement of the Rules of the Community instead of civil laws, men learning all day instead of working, modest behavior subjugated to the will of religious leaders, early marriages, denial of secular education, and a culture of protecting abusers. So you will feel right at home.

So please join me in my new community. And if you are one of the first to call, I will make sure that you get a clean towel every time you go to the Mikvah.

Ah Gutten Shabbos, you Menuval.

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Rabbi Pinky Schmeckelstein
Rosheshiva
Yeshivas Chipass Emmess

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