On Toirah, Tefillin, and the Attack-Of-The-Erva

THE COLLECTED WRITINGS OF RABBI PINKY SCHMECKELSTEIN

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Rabboisai,

This Drasha is dedicated to my Rebbe Muvhak, Rabbi Steven Pruzansky SHLITA, who has once again brave stood up for tradition by resigning his role in a conversion Beis Din out of concern that adding a female presence to the conversion process might water down Halacha Le'Moishe MiSinai.

May we one day be Zoicheh to return to the glory days of yore, where efforts to modernize and incorporate greater sensitivity and contemporary sensibilities will be finally defeated, so we can return to the grand tradition of Lithuania, Yemen, and Afghanistan.

Pinky

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On Toirah, Tefillin, and the Attack-Of-The-Erva


Rabboisai,

Klal Yisroel is under a threat like it has never been before in our 3,000 year history. Worse than the threat of the Mitzrim. Worse than the destruction wrought by the Assyrians and the Babylonians combined. Worse than the Persians, the Yevanim, and the Romans, Yemach Shemum. Worse than the Medieval persecutors in Western Europe, the Moslem persecutors in the Middle East, and the Crusaders, may they rot in Hell. Worse than the Shmad of the 20th Century and the marauding Islamic Fundamentalists committed to the destruction of Israel.

Klal Yisroel is under the Attack-Of-The-Erva.

Everywhere you turn, the Ervas are chipping away at Halachah. They started with wanting education – I spit on the Bais Yaakov Movement! They wanted the vote. Now they want to read from the Toirah and put on Tefillin. Next thing you know, they are going to want to pee standing up!

The role of women in Klal Yisroel is clear from the Sources:
-- “Praiseworthy is the one whose children are male and woe unto the one whose children are female” -- Babylonian Talmud, Pesachim, 65A
-- “May the words of Toirah be burned rather than transmitted to women” -- Jerusalem Talmud, Soitah 16A
-- “Whoever teaches his daughter Toirah teaches her obscenity” -- Babylonian Talmud, Soitah 21B
-- “Ecstasy when you are here with me, well; Girl it's ecstasy when you are here with me, uh huh” – Barry White

With the role of women so clearly defined, one must ask oneself why the Reboinoisheloilum even created them. In Beraishis we read how Chava was created from Adam HaRishoyn’s rib. There is a famous Medrish in Beraishis Rabbah that suggests that the word “rib” is a euphemism, that indeed Hakadoshboruchhu created woman out of Adam’s Schvantzyl, and that she was originally meant to be a man, and we were all intended to be homosexual males. But an accident that occurred during the Bris Milah left the Aimishteh with no other choice than to cut the whole business off and leave an orifice. Lucky for all in attendance, the bagels, lox, whitefish and herring were spectacular that morning, so no one really cared.

Indeed, the female organ, the Erva, is a mysterious entity reminiscent of the Tohu VaVohu that existed before the Reboinoisheloilum created the universe. It is a site of mystery and wonder, as inexplicable as the Ein Soif Itself – the primordial matter from which all existence was created. The universe as we know it. The stars, the planets. The earth and the sky. Flora and fauna. Mankind itself. Yes, the Erva is like the unknowable source of all. No wonder it is so difficult to make it happy, and it is always full of surprises. In fact, one night when I was being Mekayaim the Mitzvah with my Bashert, Feigeh Breinah, I felt a blockage and found the remote control that had been missing for six months.

So how can so-called “Rabbis” seek to expand the role of women in traditional Judaism? As a man, every morning I proudly recite the Bracha, “Baruch Ata Adoishem, Eloikaynu Melech HaOylam, SheLoi Usani Ishah!” And I mean it!! Is this not the reflection of the broader perspective of Yiddishkeit on the status of women as Hakadoishboruchhu intended? And I have passed these very Traditional Jewish values on to my children. My two daughters proudly recite the corresponding Bracha for women, “Baruch Ata Adoishem, Eloikaynu Melech HaOylam, SheUsani Kirtzoinoi”. And they live their lives according to that very basic philosophy. My oldest daughter, Reizel Pudding, is 25 years old and already has eight children, Kenayna Harrah. I cannot even remember all of their names, so I call them “Hoishiya”, “Ess”, “Amechah”, etc. When she gives birth to her eleventh I am going to really be in trouble. And my younger daughter, Bracha Levatalah, will Imirtza HaShem be getting married soon, and will then Be’Ezras HaShem be having her first child. Hopefully in that order.

If we look at the “Rabbis” that are driving the Attack-Of-The-Erva, we can clearly see that they are driven by the most evil of motives.

“Rabbi” Avi Weiss was the first American “Orthodox” “Rabbi” to give “Smicha” to a “Rabbah”. I hear he also once let a cat Daven Mussaf, and last year gave Maftir Yoinah to a head of lettuce.

What could possibly possess someone with Rabbinic training to ordain a woman? No woman in the world can do what a man can do! Women cannot be doctors or lawyers or heads of state. They cannot be professors or teachers or accountants. They cannot be soldiers or race car drivers or pilots. They cannot be research scientists or investment bankers. Have you ever heard of a CEO who was a woman? What Narishkeit! My Aimishteh – my Bashert can barely clean our toilets, no matter how many times I order her to!!

I think the Israeli Rabbanoos was 100% correct in rejecting his authority as a so-called-“Orthodox Rabbi”. In the 1980s Avi Weiss was beaten up by a bunch of Polish thugs outside of Auschwitz while he was protesting the efforts of extremist Catholics to negate the Jewish connection to the death camp. Why should the Poles have all the fun? Good for the Rabbanoos! Well done!

And “Rabbi” Tully Harcsztark, so-called “Principal” of the so-called “Modern Orthodox” so-called “High School” located in so-called “Riverdale”. How can you possibly trust him? I have two rules in life: Never eat Korean food because you never know what the hell is in it. And never trust a guy whose name you cannot possibly spell without using a cheat sheet.

There are only two good things I can say about the guy. One: His name, translated, means… errr…. Double Shverkeit. No wonder all the women were crazy about him in college and that he is now being considered as the next spokesman for Viagra. And Two: His last name is worth 75 points in Scrabble. He would make one hell of a triple word score!

What is his logic in allowing girls to put on Tefillin in his school. Sure, it seems that RASHI, RAMBAM, Rabeinu Tam, Rabbi Zerachiya HaLevi, the RASHBA and possibly the Mechaber of the Shulchan Aruch allow it. But what did they know?

Clearly, there is a strong alternative position, as put forth by the MAHARAM, the Koil Boi, the RAMA, the Vilna Goyn, and Pope Pius the XII.

But the issue of women wearing Tefillin was decisively settled in the early 20th Century by the RAGAM, Reb Groucho Marx, when he famously Paskened, “Whatever it is, I’m against it!”

Of course, even those that believe a woman may choose to wear Tefillin differ on whether or not a woman who takes on a Mitzvas Asey SheHaZman Grammah – a time bound positive commandment, to which women are never obligated – is required to make a Bracha. This is a Shailah that I myself have researched extensively on a personal matter: Does my Bashert, Feigeh Breinah, have to make a Bracha every time I tie her up with my Tefillin and whip her with my Gartel?

Ashreinu, lucky for Klal Yisroel, that we have great luminaries to protect us from the Attack-Of-The-Erva. On such matters, I look to my Rebbe Muvhaks, my principle teachers, to guide me. My first Rebbe Muvhak, Rabbi Herschel Goldwasser, has been strangely silent on this issue. But, thankfully, my other Rebbe Muvhak, Rabbi Steven Pruzansky, has once again bravely stood up to defend Yiddishkeit and Klal Yisroel. Rabbi Pruzansky has courageously questioned the religious commitment and integrity of the so-called “girls” who have committed to wearing Tefillin every day. He has also incisively suggested that the motivation for allowing the girls to wear Tefillin was the search for tuition dollars.

These statements are consistent with the heroic stands that Rabbi Pruzansky has taken over the years in defense of Klal Yisroel. He brilliantly referred to any Jews who voted Democratic in the last US presidential election as “idiots”. He steadfastly supported Israel by trying to block a fundraiser for the Friends of the IDF in his Shul because he disagreed with the army following orders in implementing the withdrawal from Gaza. He insightfully referred to Israeli soldiers as "Storm Troopers". He brilliantly attacks every Israeli government for ever engaging in any form of negotiation in pursuit of peace. He has gallantly challenged the integrity of Yeshivat Chovevei Torah, its leaders, and the Open Orthodoxy movement as a whole. He has bravely and consistently expressed contempt for all Jews who differ with his form of traditional Jewish observance. He tenaciously criticized the many victims who suffered sexual abuse in MTA and YU for speaking out about their lifelong mental pain and suffering because the abuses are past the statute of limitations. And he valiantly wrote a note to a judge asking for leniency in the sentencing of a convicted Orthodox pedophile.

Rabbi Pruzansky has been a staunch defender of the Jewish Way, which is currently suffering the onslaught of the many other Jews who are not blessed with his Solomonic wisdom and prophet-like vision for Klal Yisroel. He has worked to protect all of us from the dark forces by attacking all the Jews who seek to undermine Yiddishkeit and Israel. Boruch Hashem, Artscroll is rumored to be preparing a collection of his most important essays in defense of Klal Yisroel, simply titled “My Struggle”. But to reflect the Traditional Jewish values that Rabbi Pruzansky protects, the book will be titled by its Yiddish translation...

Rabboisai, we are currently undergoing the Attack-Of-The-Erva. We must stay strong and steadfast, and remember that it was Chava’s weakness that cast us out of paradise. And if we let them succeed, the Ervas might just take over Klal Yisroel, and then they may decide to deny us the right to read from the Toirah, wear Tefillin, or worship the Reboinoisheloilum in a manner that reflects our sincerity and our conscience.

Ah Gutten Shabbos, You Minuval.

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Rabbi Pinky Schmeckelstein
Rosheshiva
Yeshivas Chipass Emmess