Rabboisai
In the history of Klal Yisroel, all of our national heroes were complex.
I know, I know… that is not what you were taught in Yeshiva. You were taught that Avraham Avinu was a pure Tzadik, as were his son Yitzchak Avinu and his grandson Yankif Avinu. Avraham invented monotheism, circumcision, and the incandescent lightbulb. Yitzchak was so holy he never left Eretz Yisroel, though he did once take Rivkah Imeinu on a long weekend to Cyprus for their tenth anniversary, along with a hot Shifchah, two pairs of Tefillin and a Gartel. Yankif fathered twelve sons, Kenainah Harrah, and only one daughter, Baruch Hashem, which is exactly why they named a network of girls’ Yeshivois after him.
Moishe Rabbeinu was a Groisse Anav, a very modest person, who spoke with a speech impediment and was married to a woman who looked like Lizzo wearing a Shpitzyl. Aroin HaKoihain fathered the entire Kehuna, the traditional priestly class, who till this day insist on having their hands washed by others before getting up in the front of the Shul and casting spells like Harry Potter, Hermione Ginsberg, Ron Weaselstein and Rosheshiva Dumbledore. (“Avadah Kedavrah V’Yishmarechah!”)
Miriam HaNeviya was such an inspiring figure that more than a millennium later the Reboinoisheloilum dated someone named after her. And together they had a son...
Duvid HaMelech was the founder of the royal dynasty that held the monarchy of Yehuda, Judah, throughout the First Temple period, whose name we invoke as we pray for the arrival of the Moshiach, a central pillar of Jewish consciousness and culture for two millennia. How many times does his name appear in Davening every single day? Between the Shmoineh Esrei and various Tehillim, recitation of the name “Duvid” permeates the Davening. And how about the licensing and the merchandise? And don’t forget the naming rights. Can you imagine what kind of royalties his estate gets?
His son Shlomoi HaMelech was uniquely wise and successful. Brilliant. With his renowned wisdom he even invented an innovative non-invasive method of birth control - the Retroactive Abortion: Take a live baby and cut it in half using an AR-15. Ad HaYoim HaZeh, until this day, this remains the one form of abortion that the Republicans approve of and even encourage.
They were all picture-perfect role models.
Unless, of course, you actually bother to read the Toirah when you are sober, you Menuval! Then you discover that the reality is Nisht Azoy Pashut, it is not so simple. The truth can be jarring and uncomfortable. It is very much like the time you found out that your sweet, very Frum mother who always wears a big Shaytel once had a serious boyfriend whom she almost married instead of your father because he was better at finding her Gimmel-Spot.
When we really read about the Avois, Moishe, Aroin and Miriam, and Duvid and Shloimo, and examine the text with open eyes, we discover that these heroes were far from perfect. The Toirah details, almost shouts, the flaws and errors of the individual heroes, even as it tells us an idealized national narrative.
Avraham of course was the founding figure of Klal Yisrael. He also prostituted his wife with two political leaders and attempted to slaughter his own son. Hey, it may make for a great metaphor on Rosh Hashana, but if anyone in your family starts talking about hearing God’s voice telling them to slaughter their child… you had better call the police right away and try to have the individual committed to Ted Kaczynski’s psychiatric institution; I hear there is an opening.
Yitzchak is the most amorphous, least three dimensional major character in all of the Toirah. He is largely a reactive figure whom some Apikursim would go so far as to suggest was invented to serve as a bridge between Avraham, who is presented as the “patron saint” of the territories in the South, AKA Mamlechess Yehuda, the Southern Kingdom, and Yankif-Yisroel/ Yosaiph HaTzadick/ Menashe & Efrayim, who are the foundational figures of the Northern Kingdom, AKA Mamlechess Yisrael.
So what did Yitzchak accomplish? According to the Toirah, he basically did three things: He consummated his marriage the moment Eliezer arrived with Rivkah to their camp. According to CHAZAL Rivka was 3 years old, so Yitzchak was either a pedophile or CHAZAL were into really disturbing deviant child pornography. (Yes, there is a De’ah, a position, that suggests that Yitzchak and Rivka became engaged when Rivka was 3 years old, but the marriage was only first consummated when she got her first NidahTzait. But that suggestion is in direct contrast with what is written in the Passook.) Like his father, Yitzchak also prostituted his own wife with a local leader. And Yitzchak, the Alter Kacker Fryer, is regarded as a sucker for all eternity because he was so easily made a patsy by his Mechutziff youngest son.
And that youngest son, Yankif Avinu… Honestly, I do not know where to begin. While the Toirah suggests that his name reflects his holding Eisav HaRasha’s ankle (EKV) as they were emerging from their mother’s Erva, it has been hypothesized that the name Ya’akov may have been the name used in early Israelite oral folklore to represent a figure who so blatantly behaves in an underhanded or backhanded (EKV) manner. Yankif cheats his brother out of his rights as a first born. Yankif blatantly lies to his blind father. Yankif also uses trickery to maximize his gains at the expense of his father-in-law Lavan. (Take my advice: Do not ever hold up Yankif Avinu to your kids as a positive example of Kabeid Ess Avicha V’Ess Imecha. It will not end well for your family.)
Does the Toirah deny these abuses? On the contrary - Yankif is punished Midah Kineged Midah, in like fashion, for his behavior. He fools his father by disguising himself as his older sibling. In turn, he is fooled by Leah who feigns being her younger sister in their wedding tent. And Yankif is fooled by the bloodied Coat of Many Colors into believing that his favorite son was killed and eaten by either wolves or Fressers at a local Thursday night Scotch and Cholent Party. As RASHI notes quoting the Medrish in Beraishis Rabbah, “Payback is a bitch”.
In fact, I would go so far as to say that the Toirah’s extreme ambivalence about Yankif’s behavior is reflected in his being renamed after wrestling with a ManAngelAibishter figure. From that day forth, instead of being known as Ya’akov, EKV, “underhanded”, he is now known as Yisroel, translated by the Toirah as “Hakadoishboruchhu Perseveres”. I would suggest that perhaps the name originally meant “Yashar El”, “The Reboinoisheloilum is Direct/ Honest”. Sure, it is basic rebranding. But it worked for the stock performances of Philip Morris, now Altrea, and Facebook, now Meta. As pointed out by the RAMBAN, early in His career Hakadoishboruchhu — who has an MBA from Harvard Business School — spent two decades working in advertising and product marketing and was a big believer in both qualitative and quantitative market research. So He knew what He was doing.
Moishe Rabbeinu of course had anger management issues, which resulted in his not being allowed to enter Eretz Yisrael. Aron HaKoihain, the Minuval, never missed an opportunity to stab his brother in the back, be it in the Maiseh HaEygel, the episode of the Golden Calf, or in badmouthing Moishe Rabbeinu’s wife because she was a Cushite AKA African-Israelite AKA black. And of course, Miriam’s participation in that episode resulted in her getting Tzuhra’as, leprosy, being temporarily cast out of camp, and losing her sneaker deal with Nike, which RASHI describes as “‘Being Kanseled’ B’LA’AZ”.
Duvid HeMelech had a penchant for marrying women whose husbands died mysteriously, except for Bas Sheva’s husband, who was sent to battle with a one way map. Similarly, political rivals also died mysteriously, first and foremost Shaul HaMelech, for whom the Toirah provides a rock-solid alibi for Duvid, proving he was nowhere, nowhere(!) at all near the massacre of Shaul and Yoinasan, even though at that point he was allied with the Plishtim and the text tells us explicitly how Duvid kills the Amalaiki who was the sole witness to their deaths. Says the current Lubatcher Rebbe, Vladimir Putin is a direct descendant of Duvid HaMelech because Maiseh Avois Siman LaBanim - his “leadership style” is similar to Duvid’s, implying a familial relationship. Plus Duvid was known to manically isolate himself from Coivid Yud Tess and to rely heavily on the military support of the Craysee, the Playsee, and the Wagner Group.
Shloimoi HaMalech has ten Perakim dedicated to his good deeds in Sefer Melachim, the Book of Kings (Kings 1). But I suggest you read Chapter 11, Perek Yud Aleph. After you read that, you may start looking for the nearest church or mosque to ask for an application. In the words of the TANACH itself:
“Min HaGoyim Asher Amar Hakadoishborchhu El Bnei Yisrael Loi Savoi’oo BaHem, Va’Haim Lo I Yavoi’oo Bachem,mu Uchayn Yatoo Es Levavchem Acharei Eloheihem, Bahem Duvak Shloimoi Le’Ahava.” (Passook Baiz)
“Vayehee Le’Ais Ziknas Shloimoi, Nashav Heetoo Ess Levavoi Acharei Eloihim Acheirim, V’Loi Hayah Levavoi Shaleim Im Hakadoishboruchhu Eloihav Kilvav Duvid Uhviv
“VaYeilech Shloimoi Acharei Ashtoiress Eloihei Tzidoinim, Ve’Achareim Milkoim Shikutz Amoinim.” (Pesumkim Daled and Hay)
“Uz Yivneh Shloimoi Bamah Le’Chemoish Shikutz Moi’av BaHar Asher Al Pnei Yerushalayim, VeLaMoilech Shikutz Bnei Amoin.” (Passook Zayin)
“VaYissssanaph Hakadoishboruchhu BiShloimoi, Kee Nutuh Levavoi Mei’Im Hakadoishboruchhu Elohei Yisrael. ..” (Passook Tess)
“From the nations of which the Reboinoisheloilum had said, ‘do not join them, and they should not join you lest they turn your heart to follow their deities’, such Shloimoi clung to and loved.” (Verse 2)
“And in Shloimoi’s old age, his wives turned his heart to follow other deities, and his heart was not fully dedicated to the Reboinoisheloilum as his father’s heart had been.
“And Shloimoi followed after Ashtoiress the deity of the Sidonites (Phoenicians), and after Milkom the abomination of the Amonites.” (Verses 4 + 5)
“Then Shloimoi built an altar for Chemoish, the abomination of Moi’av, in the mountain facing Jerusalem, and to Moilech, the abomination of Amoin.” (Verse 7)
“And the Reboinoisheloilum was angry with Shloimoi because his heart turned away from the Reboinoisheloilum, the deity of Klal Yisrael…” ( Verse 9)
Boom! Mike drop. I bet you did not spend too much time discussing this Perek when you were in Yeshiva. Looks like Shloimoi was about as loyal to the Reboinoisheloilum as Trump was to his many wives and Mike Pence.
We are of course not the first generation to ponder these questions. CHAZAL discussed them in the Gemara, and they were a frequent subject of interpretation. They were occasionally the subject of debate with the Sadducees, the Christians, the Karaites and Lubavitch, who would often use the Pashut Pshat, the simple interpretation, to debate the Pharisees/ the Rabbis. Consequently, CHAZAL de-emphasized Pashut Pshat as part of traditional Toirah study. There was a heavy emphasis placed on Drash. There were some, like Ibn Ezra, who preferred to engage with the text directly, but most studied the text through the interpretation of RASHI, which heavily leverages Medrish and frequently turns sophisticated adult text and concepts into an ArtScroll coloring book for developmentally delayed children.
In the modern era, with the advent of the restoration of Hebrew as a colloquial language and advances in linguistics, archaeology, sociology and biblical scholarship, it is impossible to ignore the biblical details that have been patiently waiting for us. They are there in the text, and to ignore them is to declare that it is a beautiful day when it is raining outside, that blue is actually yellow even though it is obviously blue, or that Hunter Biden is innocent.
Based on the teachings of Saadia Goyn, we are meant to apply a rational approach to reviewing tradition, and if a claim does not stand up to reason, we need to reassess it. Why do you think that divorce lawyers are so busy?
What should we do when we discover that reality is complicated, that we have been indoctrinated with an idealized view of our national heroes, and that some of our early history has been presented in a glorified fashion? Should we reject our beliefs because our underlying assumptions are wrong? Or is it possible to replant our beliefs informed by our new fact base and yet still retain our basic values.
Or, to paraphrase Reb Yerachmiel Yoisaiph Yishayahu Jessup HaCoihain, can we handle the truth?
—-
I am reminded of a beautiful Maiseh Shehoya. The MAHARAL and his wife were once woken up by the president of the MAHARAL’s Shul, the Young Israel of Prague, banging on the door in the middle of the night. “Rabbi, rabbi!” The president shouted, “we heard that there is a pogrom coming in a few days. We need you to activate the Goilem!”
“I will look into it tomorrow” the MAHARAL called back without opening the door, as he was only wearing boxer shorts, his Arba Kanfois, and a black Homburg.
When the president went away, Rebbetzin MAHARAL asked her husband, “Yehudalah, what was that man talking about?”
“Nothing important” the MAHARAL replied. “I paid that 6 foot 8 Sheygitz from down the block a couple of dollars to chase away some Schnorrers, and now people think I have some sort of Frankenstein’s monster on the Shul payroll. Schmucks.”
“So why don’t you tell them the truth?” asked his wife.
“Are you crazy? Ever since that Goilem rumor started, Schnorrers no longer ask me for money, Baalhabatim no longer criticize my Drashois, my Talmidim are afraid to fall asleep in Gemara class, and donations to the Rabbi’s Discretionary Fund are up 32 percent!”
Rebbetzin MAHARAL scratched her head. “Nee, but what about the pogrom?”
“Very simple” the MAHARAL responded. “One of three things will happen. Either the pogrom never comes, or the pogrom starts but we survive, in which case people will thank the magical Goilem that no one has ever seen. Or we will all die. After all, we are Jews, and this is Central Europe.”
“Besides” the MAHARAL continued, “ever since the Goilem legend I have become famous. I am now a major influencer. I even have six million followers on TikTok!”
——
Rabboisai,
Religion is Divinely inspired and fashioned by man. “Toirah Loi BaShamayim Hee”; as understood by the Talmud, stewardship of our tradition lies in the hands of humanity. If the Toirah was written to tell us that people are complex, let’s accept those lessons, not deny them. Let us not whitewash our history and be afraid to ask difficult questions and follow those answers wherever they may lead.
We can handle the truth.
Our faith is based on our intellectual traditions, experiential customs, and cultural heritage. It is rich and complex and nuanced, and far more vibrant than any ArtScroll Mickey Mouse cartoonish portrayal of simplistic, one-dimensional caricatures of the leaders that the Toirah actually describes.
Yes, the Midrash exaggerates. But Midrash is a mix of ancient legends and traditions combined with speculative and highly creative conjecture. Be we do not Paskin by a Medrish, you Mechutziff — we do not consider Midrash to be legally binding or to be of equal historical authority as the text of the Toirah itself.
We are similarly not trapped in relying exclusively on the opinions or suggestions of CHAZAL, be they Tanaim, Amoiraim, Rishoinim, Acharoinim, intense Chassidim or cold-as-a-dead-fish Litvaks. We are allowed to entertain other ideas, old and new, as the Toirah is a living tradition, not a relic that died at Auschwitz or in the mass execution pits of Europe.
There is an infamous quote attributed to Charles Duell, the head of the US Patent Office, in 1898 “Whatever can be invented has been invented”. There are two problems with this quote. The first is that the statement is Tashmish HaMita-ing stupid. The second is that the quote is apocryphal and was never actually said. It is a form of circular logic designed to perpetuate a status quo and is disproven every single day. Kal V’Choimer, let us not be trapped in similar circular thinking, but be open to new understandings and new ideas even as we maintain our traditions and heritage, because “Toirah Loi BaShamayim Hee”.
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Rabbi Pinky Schmeckelstein
Rosheshiva
Yeshivas Chipass Emmess
http://rabbi-pinky.blogspot.com/
RabbiPinky@Gmail.Com
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