Subscribe To My Weekly Drasha

Send a message to with the word "subscribe"

Friday, October 14, 2016

On Tikkun Olam

To subscribe,send an e-mail to NPOJ8@YAHOO.COM with the word "Subscribe"





On Tikkun Olam


I am sorry if we are a little confused today while developing this Drasha. I just came out of a Colonoscopy and the anesthesia is still wearing off. The good news: They found no polyps, but they did find a few gold coins, my car keys and that remote control that has been missing for two years. The bad news: The gerbil is dead. Baruch Dayan Emmes.

While we are discussing a distasteful but real, and important, medical procedure, I cannot help but be reminded of a basic concept in Lurianic Kabbalah - the Kabbalah of the ARI ZAHL. The ARI envisions a cosmic accident that occurred in creation known as "Shviras HaKelim", the "Shattering of the Vessels", which left sparks of holiness scattered in the "dross", the filth that was meant to be expunged from the universe during the act of creation - or more specifically, the act of the Divine to create space for the universe within Itself, also known as Tzimtzum. And the role of Klal Yisroel, and humanity as a whole, is to rescue those holy sparks from the "dross" through good deeds and acts of kindness. That is referred to as "Tikkun Olam", the "Fixing of the World".

Rabboisai, if we were to assess how we are doing in this score, I am not sure whether we are finding holy sparks these days, or simply more "dross", more filth that threatens to encompass our fragile existence.

In the political realm, we are faced by many imperfect realities, whether we are discussing the Iran deal, the hundred-years-war that is the Arab-Israeli/ Israeli- Palestinian conflict, or the seemingly growing tide of anti-Semitism. Let's face it. Our existence as Jews is perpetually tenuous.

But let's look at it from a different angle: Jews are not at the center of the universe; I am sorry to break it to you - it is not all about YOU, you Menuval! (I hope you were sitting down for that one, you Mechutziff.)

There is a civil war in the Arab world - while its reverberations are felt by Israel, the United States, the U.K., Australia and other countries throughout the world, it has nothing to do with Israel. If anything, this is a Kulturkamph, an internal political, religious, and cultural struggle that has been simmering since the collapse of the Ottoman Empire and its temporary colonial successors. Similarly, all of Sub Saharan Africa is a disaster. The Jewish community in South Africa and the small communities in Kenya and Zimbabwe are fundamentally irrelevant to the gangland and mercenary leadership of a continent left bleeding by post colonial anarchy. And I am not even going to talk about Russia and the Ukraine, China, or the drug wars of Mexico and Columbia, and the poverty and inequities elsewhere across the globe.

Let's face it: The world is Farfucked.

Our Jewish experience is just one fragment of a world that is quaking. So while our existence as Jews is perpetually tenuous, our existence is still far more secure and self determined than it was 100 years ago, or 1,000 years ago. Plus we have Facebook.

So while we MUST always vigilantly protect our National and Tribal Jewish interests, we should also occasionally Shut The Fuck Up and realize that we are but a tiny fraction of the imperfect reality that we call human existence.

In the social realm, the rich get richer - which is OK in my book, but the middle class and poor are being left behind. Such are the seeds of social upheaval. Hillary Clinton/Bernie Sanders and Donald Trump did not emerge in a vacuum. So the U.S. is either about to become Socialist or to be turned into one big Trump casino. In either case, we are headed for bankruptcy.

And, of course, the Jewish world is a reflection of the broader trends.

I, Baruch HaShem, make a nice living, though, selling crystal meth, which subsidizes many Buchrim in their efforts to become the next generation of communal leaders. This year, Kenayna Hurrah, we have the largest class of Talmidim entering our Yeshiva! Consequently, we have even added some new classes to fit the modern rabbinate: President Richard Joel of YU will be teaching a class on "The Art Of Losing A Billion Dollars But Still Keeping Your Job"; Mordechai Willig of Yeshiva University, the RCA Bais Din, and the Young Israel of Riverdale will be teaching a course on "The Intricacies Of Covering Up Child Sexual Abuse in the Jewish Community"; And Jonathan Rosenblatt will be teaching a course entitled "Personal Hygiene - Up Close and Personal".

There are of course many less privileged members of our community. However, they clearly have not Davened to Hakadoshboruchhu with the right Kavvanah, are secretly putting bacon in their Cholent, or are being punished because some so-called-Jews are designating some so-called-women as so-called-rabbis. As the Toirah tells us, the Reboinosheloilum is an angry Aimishteh. Do not mess with Him. Trust me on this one; a few decades ago He took one look at Reform Jews in Germany and killed six million Jews without breaking a sweat. And, believe me, you do NOT want to hear about the time that the dinosaurs rebelled...



I am reminded of one of the great philosophical debates in history: Tzaddik V'Ra Loi - Why do bad things happen to good people. This question is age old. The book of Iyoiv - Job, as the Episcopalians and the Open Orthodox call it - struggles with that question. The Talmud as well. And the later religious philosophers and theorists.

The classic explanation is that man is rewarded for his good deeds and punished for his bad deeds. But as the book of Iyoiv states, Dos Iz Nisht Azoy Pashut - it is not so simple.

Others try to create alternate rationales for evil and suffering in the world. The RAMBAM rejects the notion of the Reboinosheloilum's involvement in human affairs. According to the RAMBAM, the world was created with its own rules, and Hakkadoshboruchhu does not intercede, save for a special few Jews from Egypt - including a Rabbi Doctor Philosopher who lived a thousand years ago, and the Frum owner of a beer factory who invested in a race horse which went on to win the Triple Crown, and is now going to make millions selling the horse's Zerah.

However, the Kabbalists sought mystical explanations for the counterintuitive nature of the universe. According to some, the different elements that comprise the Godhead - the ten Sephirois - interact in different ways. The Sephira of Din, or Justice, is the source of evil - essentially, evil is Justice gone awry in response to stimulus from other Sephirois.

However, there is an alternate explanation. The Ain Soif - the incomprehensible Source Of All - in order to create space for our world, withdrew into Himself. As It created sacred space, It moved the negative energies of the world into the space. As It was transferring some pure divinity in clay vessels, the vessels fell to the ground and shattered, scattering the holy sparks mentioned in the Reisha of this Drasha.


So Rabboisai and Rebbetznoisai, are we doing all we can to rescue the holy sparks? Is Judaism a garment we wear that we take off when no one is around? Or it is a way of life? Do we only care about Mitzvois Bain Adam LaMakoim, or do we care about Mitzvois Bain Adam KeChaveiroi? Are we the gold coins? Or are we the shit that lies beneath?


Ah Gutten Shabbos, You Minuval


Rabbi Pinky Schmeckelstein
Yeshivas Chipass Emmess

Tuesday, October 11, 2016

On Reciting Kaddish

To subscribe,send an e-mail to NPOJ8@YAHOO.COM with the word "Subscribe"





On Reciting Kaddish

Yisgadal VeYiskadash Shmey Rabbah...

I have been saying Kaddish in recent weeks in the wake of the passing of my uncle, Reb Velvel Henach Naftali HaGadol, also known as the VELHUNG, most noted for his commentary on the shape of Rashi script. The VELHUNG passed away after a long battle with a terrible disease that robbed him of his Toirah, as well as his collection of baseball cards from the Lithuanian Baseball League of 1941.

Kaddish is a strange prayer. It is in Aramaic, and declares fealty to the sovereignty of the Reboinoisheloilum. It is said as part of Davening, and, of course, by mourners themselves. Daily. Multiple times a day. On days when I say Kaddish both as a mourner AND Daven for the Amud, I recite Kaddish about 400 times. It is perpetual. Then I go home and recite Kaddish in my sleep. In a store, when a clerk brings me what I asked for, I reply "Umayn". When a waiter comes to me in a restaurant and asks me for my order, I respond "Brich Hu". And when I achieve my... errr... Makka BiPatish with my Bashert, Feigeh Breinah, I declare "Yehei Shmey Rabbah Mevorach LeOilam U'LeOlmey Olmayah". Shoyn.

What is the history and purpose of this custom, which in many ways is an anchor in ritual and popular participation in the Jewish liturgical service? And why is it an Aramaic prayer rather than a Hebrew prayer?

There is a famous Braisah brought down in Gemarrah Yuma that suggests that Kaddish is said in Aramaic to ensure a special bond between Klal Yisroel and Hakadoshboruchhu, since the Malachim, the angels, do not speak Aramaic. This is according to Rabbi Meir. But according to Rabbi Yehuda, the prayer of Kaddish is explicitly addressed to the angels, who are keeping score as to how many times a person meets his responsibility to say Kaddish for a loved one. And according to a Medrish in Eichah Rabbah, the Angels have an office pool to bet on who will say the most Kaddishes during their year of Aveilus. Almost every year the winner comes from the Lubavitch community: Not only do they insert several additional Kaddishes at the end of their Tfillois, but they also say Kaddish after reciting the obligatory, "Yechi Moreinu VeRabbeinu Melech HaMashiach LeOilum Vo'ed" after key daily events: After Davening, after Benching after meals, after getting some poor schmuck in the street to put on Tefillin even though he is dressed in a Santa outfit, and after Teeth Brushing.

Indeed, there are many types of Kaddish - A fact you do not realize until you have to say it 400 times a day. They are:

-- Chatzi Kaddish: The Half Kaddish recited multiple times by the Shaliach Tezibur -- the leader of the prayer service – To punctuate different segments of the prayer service, as well as to enable congregants to engage in a quick conversation with the person standing next to them.

-- Kaddish Sholem: The Whole Kaddish, typically recited once every prayer service, towards the end of the service. According to a Pnei Yehoishua, the purpose of this Kaddish is so that when a Shaliach Tzibbur accidentally stops halfway though, thinking that a Chatzi Kaddish was in order, members of the congregation can take turns humiliating the Chazan by screaming, “Nu, Tiskabel!!!!” at him at the top of their lungs.

-- Kaddish Yasoim: The Mourner’s Kaddish. This is the “bread and butter” of the year of mourning. Literally. There are people like me who are constantly going to Shul to recite this many, many times a day. Yet others hire a Litvak Yeshiva Bochur or some Hairy Chussid looking to supplement his Welfare, Food Stamps, Medicaid, and Section Eight by reciting Kaddish on behalf of someone who actually has a job.

-- Kaddish DeRabbanan: The Rabbi’s Kaddish. Like the regular Kaddish, it praises the Omnipresent and acknowledges Eternity. However, it also praises rabbinical scholars and their students, and the students’ students – essentially it is a prayer written by rabbis, praising rabbis. In other words, it is a bit like Congress voting to give itself a raise. This is also recited by a mourner, usually after content that includes rabbinic discourse, after a rabbinic lecture, or after an infomercial.

-- Kaddish D’Ischadasa: The Kaddish After Burial. This one is a lot of fun. Trust me. You have just buried a loved one, you are standing at the graveside, and then the rabbi asks you to recite this Aramaic tongue-twister in front of a bunch of crying relatives. About a half an hour before I needed to say this, the rabbi slipped me a Viagra; he said that “performance anxiety” was common the first time…

-- Kaddish Achar Hashlamas Masechta: Kaddish recited after completing a tractate of the Talmud. This is quite the opposite experience from the Kaddish After Burial. This comes at the end of a very long, complicated page of Aramaic, which, among other things, lists all of the sons of the Sage Rav Pappa. With that many children, it is a wonder he ever had time to get out of the house.

There are also a few lesser known forms of Kaddish

-- Kaddish D’Nittel: Special Kaddish recited on Christmas asking Santa for the most expensive gifts in the store.

-- Kaddish D’Gemoorrah: Kaddish recited after completion of a long cycle of events. This is typically said by Ashkenazim during half time of the Superbowl and during the seventh inning stretch during World Series games, and by Sephardim after the finals of a Soccer tournament.

-- Kaddish D’Kiddush: Kaddish recited upon completion of a bottle of good single malt Scotch or good tequila at a Kiddush after Shul on Saturday. When you can no longer pronounce the Aramaic without completely slurring your words (“Yehei Shmayay Robot… ummm… Robert…. Whatever…”) then it is time to go home and sleep it off.

Of course, the fundamental question one asks about Kaddish is “why?” Why do we say Kaddish in the first place? What is the purpose or intent of this tradition? To answer this properly, we need to review the history of prayer in general and Kaddish in particular.

Once upon a time, there was no Tefillah in Klal Yisroel. There – that is the truth. Worship was done by the priesthood on behalf of the nation and on behalf of individuals. This was the purpose of the first Bais Hamikdash, the Holy Temple, and all of the local Mikdashim. (Sure, you were told growing up that there were no other Israelite temples than the one in Jerusalem, but a quick trip to Arad and other archaeological sites will prove otherwise.) Perhaps there was an occasional festival that was celebrated by the broader populace, like Pesach – celebrated by the popular sacrifice of the Karban Pesach, Shavuois - celebrated by eating from the first fruits, and, of course, Shabboskoidesh, the weekly Sabbath, celebrated by refraining from work and trying to avoid being caught while checking in on Facebook.

However, during the Babylonian exile, the Jews needed to live religious life in Babylon, Alexandria and elsewhere without the Temple. Public reading of the Toirah, and likely prayer, became a part of the life of the common Jew. This phenomenon flourished during the Second Temple era, resulting in the emergence of the synagogue (itself a Greek word), and was more formally institutionalized after the destruction of the second Bais Hamikdash, reflecting the need to have a mechanism to engage the Divine, as well as a place to discuss politics, sports and the local Hot Chanies with your friends on Saturday mornings.

As Tefillah evolved over the centuries, the liturgy grew. First it was primarily comprised of Psalms and select Biblical writings. Later it incorporated Rabbinic compositions and then Piyut, liturgical poetry and prose. Among the compositions was the Kaddish. It is likely that Kaddish was originally composed to end a study session – hence composition in Aramaic, the Jewish lingua franca of the Talmudic period. However, at some point, Kaddish was adopted as a prayer for mourners to recite at the end of prayer services. The first extant documentation of a Kaddish for mourners is in the thirteenth century writings of the Or Zarua, who wrote that Kaddish should be inserted at the end of the Prayer book, right before the letters to the editor and the daily crossword puzzle.

Ironically, of course, Kaddish has no reference to death. It has no reference to the afterlife. It is actually an acknowledgement of the sovereignty of the Divine in eternity. So why are mourners required to recite Kaddish? This is the subject of a famous Machloikess.

According to the Netziv, the Kaddish is recited in order to pronounce ultimate faith in the Divine by someone who suffered a personal loss – That no matter what happens in this world, the mourner acknowledges the Aimishteh’s ultimate mastery of the universe. Consequently, the Netziv holds that someone should recite the Kaddish in the months after losing a loved one, going bankrupt, or getting a permanent ink stain, ruining his favorite shirt.

However, according to the Netziv’s Rabbinic arch nemesis, the Brisker Ruv – Reb Yoisheh Ber Soloveitchik – Kaddish is recited by the mourner for a more spiritual purpose – to power the transition of the Niftar’s Neshama, the soul of the person who passed away, towards the afterlife in Gan Eden. It is like providing fuel for the travel of the soul. However, not all fuels are equal. For example, when I, a great Ruv, say Kaddish, it is like rocket fuel. When a Shmendrick like you says Kaddish, it is like unleaded regular at the local gas station. And when a Reform Jew says Kaddish, Chass V’Sholom, it is like lighting a couple of wet twigs on a cold winter day.

Given the complexity of fulfilling one’s responsibility to say Kaddish at the three different prayer services every day, CHAZAL struggled to find an appropriate metaphor to describe the commitment.

According to the Ba’al HaChavas Da’as, it is like visiting a hotel that has set meals, and making sure to construct your schedule around those meals.

According to the Ketzois HaChoishen, saying Kaddish is like trying to catch an airplane flight three times a day for eleven months straight.

However, according to the Chasam Soifer, it is like having to constantly report in to a needy girlfriend or wife, and it is for this reason that we only say Kaddish for eleven months instead of a full year, so that we can get that woman off our backs already, for Reboinoisheloilum’s sakes.

I am reminded of a famous Maiseh Shehoya about the Vilna Goyn and the Baal Shem Toiv. The Gruh and the BESHT were each traveling to collect money for their respective movements. One Shabboskoidesh they ended up in the same Shul in the town of Yapchik. When the Gruh looked up from his Davening and saw the BESHT walk in, he stormed over to him, screaming at the top of his lungs, “Hey, Charlie, don’t you people believe in Zman Kriras Shmah?!”

The BESHT stared at the Gruh for a moment and the said in a forceful voice, “Reboinoisheloilum! IT knows how to say something that was not written down on a piece of paper by his Rebbe!”

They argued vociferously until the end of Davening. But when it came time for Kaddish, they both stopped immediately and began to recite the Kaddish in unison. The BESHT was saying Kaddish for the passing of his mother. And the Gruh was saying Kaddish following the recent death of his beloved black Labrador Retriever, which unbeknownst to the Gruh, was the source for the fur on the BESHT’s Shreimel.

As Jews, there are many things that divide us. Some are serious and border upon the existential. Some relate to cultural shifts and the balance between tradition and modernity. And some relate to the painful tension between Mistvois Bain Adam LaMakoim and Mitzvois Bain Adam LeChaveiroi.

But Kaddish is one thing that unites us. It reminds us of how infinitesimally small we are. In the words of the Paytan:

“Muh Anu. Meh Chasdeinu. Mah Tzidkoisainu, Mah Yeshuoisainu, Mah Koichainu, Mah Gevuroiseinu

“Mah Nomar Lifanechah HaShem Eloikeinu V’Eyloikei Avoiseinu

“Halo Kol HaGiboirim KeAyin Lifanecha

“VeAnshey HaShaym KeLoi Hayu

“VeChachamim KiVli Madah, U’Nevoinim KiVli Haskel

“Kee Roiv Ma’aseihem Toihu, V’Ymei Chayeihem Hevel Lifanechah

“U’Moisar Ha’Adam Min HaBeheima Uyin

“Kee Hakol Hevel”

“What are we? What are our lives? What is our kindness? What is our righteousness? What is our salvation? What is our strength? What is our bravery?

“What can we say before you, Reboinoisheloilum our Hakadoshboruchhu, the Aimishteh of our ancestors?

“The mightiest of men are like nothingness before you, and the men of renown are as if they never existed

“Wise men are like people without knowledge, and the insightful are like people without any sense

“For the majority of their accomplishments are meaningless, and the days of their lives are nothingness before you

“And mankind’s supremacy over the animals is a fantasy

“Because all of existence is emptiness.”


Gmar Chassima Toivah, You Menuval


Rabbi Pinky Schmeckelstein
Yeshivas Chipass Emmess

Yoim Kippur Drasha

To subscribe,send an e-mail to NPOJ8@YAHOO.COM with the word "Subscribe"





Yoim Kippur Drasha

You good for nothing Menuval, you have sinned all year long, and now you are going to pay for it!

From Kol Nidrei at sundown until the blowing of the Shofar, you will be cramped into an overcrowded room surrounded by unshowered, unshaven men whose empty stomachs are growling louder than the chazzan. But look at the bright side: at least you get your exercise. Between the frequent and incessant beating of your chest and the four instances of full kneeling, you have become a Moslem Tarzan. Shkoiyach.

Chazzal spent many, many hours contemplating the true meaning of Yoim Kippur, while awaiting the horses to reach the finish line. There is a famous machloikess (rabbinic debate) in Yuma on the subject between Bais Shammai and Bais Hillel. Bais Shammai holds that the true commandment of the Toirah is that you should sin all year long, and then repent on Yoim Kippur. Bais Hillel, on the other hand, holds that you should strictly avoid sin all year long, and then enjoy a nice honey glazed ham right after Kol Nidrei. Of course, this is one of the fourteen instances when we hold like Bais Shammai (along with such critical issues as not using toilet paper on Shabbos and the infield fly rule.)

The Reshoinim struggled to define the metaphor by which we can understand how the Jewish People should look upon a single day in which they can redeem themselves for past mistakes and plan for the next year without the aid of a good tax advisor or financial planner.

According to the Rabbeinu Tam, Yoim Kippur is like an all day telethon, where the Aimishteh is raising funds and support for the coming year, and you are asked to contribute of your soul. The ROISH disagrees, using the same metaphor, but reversing it. Says the ROISH, YOU are hosting the telethon, and are appealing to the Rebboinoisheloilum for his support, and you refuse to go off the air until He is ready to write you a check. (And if He pledges 75 dollars or more, you'll send Him an autographed CD of Luciano Pavoratti in concert.)

The RIF holds that the true metaphor for Yoim Kippur is that of the annual performance review. Hakkodoshboruchhu is your manager, and at review time, He reaches out to your colleagues, your superiors, your subordinates, and your clients, soliciting feedback on your performance. He looks at your numbers. He checks how often you have been absent or late to shul. He then synthesizes the information and decides your fate. Will you be terminated? Will you get a raise? Will you get a better bonus? Will you get a hot new secretary?

But how can you protect yourself as the Aimishteh's employee? How can you best ensure a positive year? According to the Pas Akum, this metaphor explains one of the age old questions, which is: Why does Sukkois so closely follow Yoim Kippur? Say the Aimishteh decides to terminate you. What can you do? Can you prove wrongful dismissal? Says the Pas Akum, we stand before Hakkodoshboruchhu four days after Yoim Kippur and wave our phallic looking palm branches at heaven as if to say, "if you terminate me, I'll sue you for sexual harassment!" And in the current politically correct environment, even He has to be careful.

We prepare for this holiest day of days with the greatest degree of sobriety. We set aside Ten Days Of Atonement for spiritual introspection. We say Selichois, special prayers beseeching the Aimishteh for forgiveness. We blow the shoifar, which is intended to strike an internal chord of repentance. And we wave a live chicken over our heads.

In the time of the Second Temple, there was a great debate over this strange practice. The Prushim (Pharasees) held that before Yoim Kippur, every Jewish male should take a chicken by the legs, wave it over the heads of his loved ones, as if to absorb their sins, and then send the chicken off to slaughter. We have recently learned from the Dead Sea Scrolls that the Essenes, on the other hand, held that before Yoim Kippur every Jewish male should choke the chicken, if you know what I mean. Given that the Essenes are not doing too well these days, I guess that was the wrong approach.

There is a famous story of Rabbi Chaim MiVerlozhin. Reb Chaim was traveling from town to town in Inner Mongolia, trying to raise money for his Yeshiva's IPO. When Yoim Kippur came, Reb Chaim went to the only shul in town just in time for Kol Nidrei. "We're sorry," he was told, "but you can't get in without a ticket." Not having purchased a ticket in advance, Reb Chaim was sent away, denied the opportunity to daven on Yoim Kippur in a minyan.

The next morning, as Reb Chaim went downstairs in the small hotel in which he was staying, the host greeted him saying, "Rabbi, please join us. The missus just made up a huge breakfast, including a fresh batch of muffins." Reflecting on his experience the night before, on his rejection at the shul and at the prospect of having to daven for the next sixteen hours by himself, Reb Chaim took off his yarmulke, sat down at the table, and began to serve himself.

That night, the Aimishteh came to him. "Reb Chaim," the Aimishteh said, "why did you sin today?"

"I'm sorry, Aimishteh. I was so drained by the ticket thing I just had to grab a bite to eat," Reb Chaim responded.

"No, you fool," the Aimishteh replied. "Why did you let all that nice bacon go to waste?"

Repentance, and sin, are somewhat in the eye of the beholder. So when you are standing before the Melech Malchei Hamelachim at Neilah, don't just mouth the words; picture it as a conversation, one on one. Before you beg for forgiveness, establish rapport. Tell a couple of jokes. Ask the Aimishteh how He's doing. Ask about the wife and kids. Sure He's busy, but a little brown-nosing never hurts.

Gmar Chassima Toivah, You Menuval


Rabbi Pinky Schmeckelstein
Yeshivas Chipass Emmess

Sunday, October 09, 2016

Presidential Endorsement by Rabbi Pinky Schmeckelstein: Donald J. Trump

To subscribe,send an e-mail to NPOJ8@YAHOO.COM with the word "Subscribe"





Presidential Endorsement by Rabbi Pinky Schmeckelstein: Donald J. Trump


Shtayt in Passook, it says in the Toirah: Sefer Republicans, Parshas 2016 Presidential Race, Perek Lamud Chess, Passook Aleph through Passook Yood Tesssss:

(א) Vayoimer Donald El Billy Bush Leymor -- And Donald sayeth to Billy Bush, saying.

(ב) "I moved on her, and I failed. I’ll admit it.”

(ג) “Whoa,” said, Billy Bush, who was also knowneth by his nickname, Burning.

(ד) “I did try and fuck her. She was married,” Donald said.

(ה) "And I moved on her very heavily. In fact, I took her out furniture shopping.”

(ו) “She wanted to get some furniture.”

(ז) “I said, ‘I’ll show you where they have some nice furniture.’”

(ח) “I moved on her like a bitch, but I couldn’t get there. And she was married."

(ט) And Donald paused thoughtfully.

(י) "Then all of a sudden I see her, she’s now got the big phony tits and everything. She’s totally changed her look.”

(יא) At that point, Donald and Burning saweth Arianne Zucker, the actress waiting to escort them to the town well.

(יב) “Your girl’s hot as shit, in the purple,” said Burning.

(יג) “Whoa!” Donald sayeth. “Whoa. I’ve got to use some Tic Tacs, just in case I start kissing her.”

(יד) “You know I’m automatically attracted to beautiful — I just start kissing them.”

(טו) “It’s like a magnet. Just kiss. I don’t even wait.”

(טז) “And when you’re a star, they let you do it. You can do anything.”

(יז) “Whatever you want,” agreeeth Burning Bush.

(יח) And the Donald sayeth, “Grab them by the pussy.”

(יט) “You can do anything.”

(Editorial note: Translation courtesy of Art Scroll, 2016.)

Rabboisai, this recently rediscovered scroll has caused great shock waves across Klal Yisroel and all of the Nations of the world. "Donald is a false Messiah," some even claim. But Donald is a great man, a man of nuance, of layers. As CHAZAL teach us, Shivim Panim LaToirah”, “There are seventy faces to the words of the Toirah.” So to study and truly understand the Donald is no different than studying Yankif Avinu, Aroin HaKoihain, and Dovid HaMelech. We do not hold by Pashut Pshat, but must understand the Pessukim through the prism of CHAZAL.

Yankif Avinu approaches his blind father dressed in the clothing of his brother Eisav, and proceeds to steal his elder twin's birthright. While the Torah in Pashut Pshat implies some degree of criticism of Yankif’s behavior, and the circumstances arranged by Hakadoshboruchhu to have Lavan switch Leah for Rochel may be understood as Midah KiNeged Midah, a punishment whereby Yankif is penalized for his dishonesty by being the victim of a similar dishonest action, CHAZAL go out of their way to demonize Eisav. While the Toirah presents him as the unchosen brother, CHAZAL present Eisav as evil through and through – just like you, you Mechutziff -- and fundamentally whitewashes the dishonesty of Yankif. An ignoramus like you might believe that Yankif did something wrong, but CHAZAL teach us that Eisav deserved every misdeed done to him. After all, Eisav was a hairy Sheygitz who turned faking respect for his father into a lifelong Hollywood act. He was such a good actor, he even showed up at his father’s burial and mourned. What a faker!

Aroin HaKoihain responds to Moishe Rabbeinu's disappearance on Har Sinai by creating the Eigel HaZahav and driving Klal Yisroel into idolatry a mere 40 days after receiving the Toirah. Upon descent from the mountain, Moishe shatters the Luchois, and together with Aroin, crushes the burnt Eigel into water, forces Klal Yisroel to drink of the waters, and then sets the Levi'im to massacre 3,000 people. But what of Aroin HaKoihain, the Minuval? A MeChutziff like you might have thought that Aroin committed a mortal sin, a crime against the Aimishteh Himself. But you would be wrong, you Vilda Chaya!! CHAZAL teach us that Aroin was simply stalling for time. He started off with 15 minutes of stand-up comedy, followed by singing a few Sinatra songs. Then he gave an inspirational speech, based on the teachings of Tony Robbins. Then he read a few of Shakespeare’s sonnets. So the Eigel was just the next step on his stall tactics. Aroin was a Tzaddik! How can you not have understood that, you Shkutz?!?!

Finally, as is well known, Dovid HaMelech saw Bassssheva bathing naked, across the valley. She was very beautiful, and also very married to Uriah HaChiti, one of Dovid’s most loyal soldiers. But Dovid sent for Bassssheva to be brought to him, and he slept with her. And when he found out that she was pregnant, Dovid HaMelech ultimately arranged for Uriah to be killed on the battlefield, after which Nosson HaNavi, Nathan the Prophet, came to Dovid to express the displeasure of the Reboinoisheloilum.

Now, a Menuval like you might understand this episode in a terribly negative light. But the Talmud tells us that Dovid HaMelech was indeed without sin. What appears to us in the Pashut Pshat, the plain meaning of the Passook, as Dovid HaMelech seducing a married woman, impregnating her, and having her husband killed, was actually the will of Hakadoshboruchhu, even though the Toirah says quite the opposite! No, the Aimishteh really wanted Dovid HaMelech to seduce Bassssheva, for through her would emerge the next king, Shloimoi HaMelech, and the line of Moshiach Tzitdkeinu, the Messiah. You may have thought that Dovid HaMelech was at best a seducer and at worst a rapist, but he was acting at the will of the Reboinoisheloilum. Thank you CHAZAL! We would never have figured this one out by ourselves without your deep whitewash… errrr… insights into the underlying truth.

And so it is with Donald. In Pashut Pshat, Donald has indeed used unacceptable language, objectifying women in the basest terms, admitting to trying to seduce a married woman, and acknowledging that he at times is driven to kiss and grope women by the Makoim HaErva. But if you believe this at its simplest level, you would be wrong, you Am Ha’aretz!

In fact, what we see from this episode are the thoughtful actions of a natural born leader. First, a leader must be able to admit his flaws. Donald in fact does this, in Passook Baiz, "I moved on her, and I failed. I’ll admit it.” The Donald shares with us a sensitive story, how in fact he took the woman in question furniture shopping, trying to help her be a good Balabusta, a good home maker.

And how committed was he to helping her? Passook Chess tells us BeFeirush, explicitly, “I moved on her like a bitch”, he supported her in her shopping quest the way a mother dog takes care of her young pups. He is truly a Tzaddik!

Finally, perhaps the most disturbing Passook is the methodology recounted by Donald as to how best to exploit one’s celebrity and aggressively court a woman, Shtayt in Passook Yood Chess, Donald suggests to Billy “Burning” Bush that one should “Grab them by the pussy.” This indeed does sound demeaning, dismissive of woman, and an example of sexual harassment, if not an outright criminal act of sexual abuse and exploitation. But if that is what you believe, it is because you are too stupid to understand the Passook. In fact, Donald is suggesting that you help a woman, first and foremost, by holding her pet cat for her, say, when she is reading Tehillim, or dropping her children off at Yeshiva. What reads like an act of sexual aggression is in fact an act of Gemilas Chassadim, kindness and generosity.

And it is indeed this innate kindness and generosity that compels me to formally endorse Donald Trump for president.

Indeed, even if one were to take this Parsha literally, without the interpretation of Chazal, how is this any different than any actions committed by Bill Clinton? How is it any different than the acts of enablement by Hillary Clinton, who persecuted the victims of Bill?

Now, of course Bill Clinton has already been president, is not running for president, and while accused, has never been found guilty of forcing himself on a woman, even as those woman have been funded by millions of dollars coming from various anti-Clinton donors, and even as the Starr Commission and many other public investigations spent millions on exploring every rumor about Bill Clinton. And as none of those alleged encounters have been proven, assertions of Hillary Clinton’s role in their cover up are vague, at best.

Bill Clinton did of course in fact have an affair with a White House intern, and was impeached for it. It is inexcusable, and is a stain on his legacy. But that episode is long gone from our political discourse, the same way that the creamy white stain, once it was removed from Monica’s blue dress by the dry cleaners, is no longer present.

More important, Donald Trump’s deserving leadership is proven in many other ways:

-- Donald Trump is opposed to the presence of illegal immigrants, will expel them once elected, and will create a wall between the United States and Mexico. This is terrific news! I am sick and tired of going to a restaurant and having the kitchen help not understand a word I am saying! The Mexicans have been stealing our jobs; instead of illegal Mexican immigrants working in restaurant kitchens or in lawn care or in construction or in child care, those jobs should rightly be given to American citizens! Why, I know dozens of families in Brooklyn, Monsey, and KJ where the men have no work, and as a result are forced to sit and learn in Bais Medrish all day, Rachmana Letzlan. These Bochrim, instead of Shteiging while sitting on their asses, will now be able to take up the employment opportunities created by shipping those undesirables back to Mexico!

Now the best part: With a wall between Mexico and the United States, we will have the opportunity to perform many Mitzvois more easily. People living along the border will be able to use the wall as one wall of their Sukkas. This is a tremendous cost savings. And with a physical wall along the border with Mexico, all we need are walls along the border with Canada and walls along the East and West coasts in order to enclose the entire United States – serving as one massive Erev. What a Kiddush Hashem!!

Now, some of you may be wondering whether we, as Klal Yisroel, should be more sensitive to the plight of immigrants, given that the United States was founded as an immigrant nation, and that many of us, our parents, our grandparents, and great grandparents came to the country as immigrants, some legally and some in any way they could. But that was fundamentally different! After all, they were Jews fleeing anti Semites! How can you argue against their being let into this country, you self-hating Jew?!

-- Donald Trump counts among his supporters David Duke, the KKK, and various White Supremicist groups. It has been reported on many occasions that reporters of Jewish descent who have written critically of Trump have been subjected to unprecedented anti-Semitic attacks, including messages about how “Hitler forgot you” and “you should burn in the ovens”. Now, some are critical that Trump has not adequately disavowed the words and actions of these “alt activists”, as they are referred to in the Media. But… let’s face it… all of these attacks have been reported by the left wing media, which is controlled by Jews!

I do not like the Jewish Media, with their liberal sentiments and their big noses and their aspiration for world government. So why should I expect anti-Semites to like them either? After all, I am not a hypocrite!

-- Donald Trump boastingly joked during the first debate about how he is smart for not paying taxes, and subsequent reports suggest that he may not have paid personal federal income taxes for twenty years following a big loss and a large bankruptcy. Some would suggest that this is a core inconsistency for a man claiming to be a successful businessman and a fiscal genius.

But there is no inconsistency here: I have not paid taxes for the last twenty years either! And neither has anyone else I know. I say: Let the suckers…. Errrr…. Goyim pay taxes, while the rest of us focus on Avoidas Hashem, studying Toirah, and mastering the complex Sugya that is the “Tax Loss Carry Forward”

-- Donald Trump speaks about banning Moslems from entering the country, and assailed the parents of a fallen Moslem American soldier who addressed the Democratic convention. Should we be troubled by this? Of course not! After all, all of ISIS are Moslems. So of course we should keep all Moslems out of the country.

And, of course, the Russians, who are currently putting nuclear capable weapons on territory contiguous with Poland, are Orthodox Christians. So of course we should keep all Orthodox Christians out of the country. And Catholics? Do you know how many Jews they killed throughout the centuries? Of course we should keep all Catholics out of the country. And the Germans killed the Jews during the Shoah, so we should of course keep all Germans out of the country. And since many Germans are Lutherans, we should keep all Lutherans out – and in fact all who follows in the steps of Martin Luther -- meaning all Protestants, out of the country.

And the members of the Black Lives Matter movement are all black. So of course we should keep all blacks out of the country. And the Japanese attacked the US at Pearl Harbor. And the North Koreans are going nuclear. And the Chinese are taking all of our jobs. So of course we should keep out all Asians. And the British, because of the terrible job they did in Mandatory Palestine.

And, of course, Bernie Madoff is a Jew, as are numerous white collar criminals all over the country. So of course we should keep all Jews out of the country.

So, in fact, the only people who should be allowed in the country are the Native Americans. We can certainly support Donald Trump’s logic on this topic.

-- Donald Trump promises to fix our economy by negotiating with American debt holders – the countries and institutions that hold Treasury Bills and other forms of federal debt. And I applaud him for it! Why should America, the strongest economy in the world, have to pay our debts? NO ONE understands bankruptcy laws better than Donald Trump! So why not put those laws to work for US? We should be paying pennies on the dollar! And if they do not like it, what are they going to do? Not sell to us? Put sanctions against us? Go to war with us?

So what if US Treasury Bills are the cornerstone of the world’s economy, the definition of “risk free debt” in financial circles? This country was not built on avoiding risks. Did the founding fathers avoid risks when declaring independence? Did Lincoln avoid risks when freeing the slaves? Did Reagan avoid risks when he attacked Grenada? Did George W. Bush avoid risks when he attacked Iraq?

No. Leadership is built on taking risks. So if President Trump is able to renegotiate the US debt at the risk of causing the collapse of the global financial markets, it is a risk that I, for one, am willing to take. I will of course have to check that my Israeli, Canadian, EU, Saudi, and Russian citizenships are all up to date… just for documentation purposes, of course.

-- Donald Trump is committed to getting NATO to pay their fair share, those freeloaders. NATO has been the cornerstone of Western security since 1945. But NATO is sooooooo 1970s. Russia is no longer an enemy: Putin is a strong leader, a leader who is popular in his country, a leader whose own national media never criticizes him… and lives to talk about it.

All the freeloading countries should start to pay their fair share… or they are out of NATO! Germany? Who needs them in NATO! How dangerous can a Germany, disconnected from the Western powers, with a struggling economy, and left to fend for itself against the Russian threat, possibly get?!

-- Finally, there is Eretz Yisroel. Donald Trump is good for Israel. He is great for Israel. His daughter and grandchildren are even Orthodox Jews. And his principle advisors on Israeli policy read the New York Times and the AIPAC daily briefing; what other expertise could they possibly need?

Yes, Donald Trump is good for Israel. The misguided US agreement with Iran is an example of the worst agreement even negotiated! As Donald has said, rather than avoid nuclear proliferation, let’s embrace it! Why should the US have paid billions to Iran to get rid of its nuclear materiel. It is only natural that all countries in the world will get nuclear capabilities. So which way are we better off – with Israel as the only nuclear power in the region, and a united global effort to keep Iran nuclear free for the next ten years? Or with a nuclear Iran, a nuclear Saudi Arabia, a nuclear Egypt, and a nuclear Turkey? If all countries in the Middle East are nuclear, then there is no threat, because of the notion of mutual self-destruction. If one country gets nuked then all countries get nuked. It is actually a very democratic solution to the 100 year old Arab-Israeli conflict and the thousand year old Sunni-Shiite conflict. And, as we know, everyone in the Middle East behaves like rational actors, so what could possibly go wrong?


And so, I, on behalf of Yeshivas Chipass Emmess, wholeheartedly endorse Donald Trump as the next president of the United States. He will lead this nation forward with grace, style, an even temperament, and by grabbing the country by the pussy.

Ah Gmar Chassima Toivah, You Minuval

Rabbi Pinky Schmeckelstein
Yeshivas Chipass Emmess