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THE COLLECTED WRITINGS OF RABBI PINKY SCHMECKELSTEIN
On Restoring Order To The World, And Making Klal Yisroel Great Again
I think it is time to make a Mishuberach.
For whom? Why, for the Reboinoisheloilum, of course!
Let's face it: Hakadoshboruchhu has had a pretty tough year. Interest rates have just gone up after many years, but the enormous national debt is beginning to deter foreign investment. The Republicans are doing their best to destroy each other... which may prove, once and for all, that the Aimishteh is actually a Democrat, Chass V'Shalom. And that last James Bond movie was another disappointment. How can we have the finest actor since Sean Connery in the role matched with scripts that belong to Scooby Doo cartoons?
Oh, and the entire Reboinoisheloilum-damned world is falling apart! ISIS. Syrian refugees. Global terrorism. I wish the news would focus on the more critical issues facing the world, like Kaitlin Jenner or the new Star Wars movie.
Rabboisai, something is indeed wrong in the world. Something that is hard to identify. The world seems, somehow, off-kilter.
I believe that there are hints at why this is, in a Mishnah in Avois, Perek Aleph, Pasook Hey:
ה. יוסי בן יוחנן איש ירושלים אומר, יהי ביתך פתוח לרווחה, ויהיו עניים בני ביתך. ואל תרבה שיחה עם האישה--באשתו אמרו, קל וחומר באשת חברו; מכאן אמרו חכמים, כל המרבה שיחה עם האישה--גורם רעה לעצמו, ובטיל מדברי תורה, וסופו יירש גיהינם.
5. Yoissi Ben Yoichanan of Jerusalem said: Let your home be wide open, and let the poor be like members of your household, although do not let them touch the remote control, lest they lose it. And do not engage in excessive conversation with a woman. This is said regarding one's own wife; Kal V'Choimer with the wife of another, especially if she has great legs. From this, the Chachumim said: One who excessively converses with a woman causes evil to himself, neglects studying Toirah, and, in the end, he will have earned time in Gehenim, and be forced to do errands around the house by his wife.
How many of us can say that we behave in a manner consistent with the words of Reb Yoissi Ben Yoichanan? Can we honestly say that in our everyday lives we keep an adequate distance from women?
I know that I try my best: I sit on the bus every morning on the men's side of the Mechitza; I employ only men at my yeshiva, Yeshivas Chipass Emmess - As rebbes, as business managers, as accountants, as secretaries, as cooks, and even as Mikvah Ladies; and at home, I do not even speak to my Bashert, Feigah Breinah - we communicate through sign language, morse code, smoke signals, and, Bi'Shas Ha'Chak, through flatulence.
Toisfois asks a Gevaldik Shailah on this Mishnah: If men are not supposed to converse with women, how are we to procreate and continue the species? And more important, what should Chassidic men do at night if they are not supposed to go to strip clubs?
The ROISH answers with a Givaldikkah Chiddish: He points to the very next Mishnah in Avois:
ו. יהושע בן פרחיה ונתאי הארבלי קיבלו מהם. יהושע בן פרחיה אומר: עשה לך רב, וקנה לך חבר, והוי דן את כל האדם לכף זכות.
6. Yehoshua ben Perachiah and Nitai of Arbel received the Toirah from (the earlier members of the Mesoirah of Toirah descent). Yehoshua ben Perachia says, "Make for yourself a Rabbinical mentor, and purchase for yourself a friend, and judge every person with the benefit of the doubt."
Says the ROISH, this Mishnah answers the question regarding women. In a world of Toirah, we no longer need to marry; we simply need a Rebbe, someone to learn with, and no more. And if we ever get horn... errr... a Taivah, we should simply "purchase" a friend. $50 for a half an hour of hot adult action is a lot cheaper than buying some woman an expensive dinner, sharing 50% of your salary and 401K, or paying Yeshiva tuition. And how do you know that the $50 toothless Kurva is without STDs? Well, the Seifah of the Mishnah tells us that we should always "Dan Esss Kol He'Adam LeKaf Zchuss", we should "judge every person with the benefit of the doubt." So don't worry about it. Der Aimishteh Tzu Helfen - the Reboinoisholoilum will watch over you and ensure your safety... just as He did in Poland between 1939 and 1945. In other words, for $50 you are guaranteed to get Farfucked.
The RAN, however, disagrees, referring to the ROISH as a "frustrated little Litvak". He says that Mishnah Vuv, the sixth Mishna, has absolutely nothing to do with the fifth Mishnah. LeOilum, says the RAN, there should be women in our lives. We just have to be cautious that we not engage with them excessively on non-professional issues. If we are at work, we should keep the conversation focused on the professional issues at hand. If we are at home, we should speak to our wives and daughters about household issues, such as cooking, cleansing, and repairing the roof. And it we are with our lovers, we should not be thinking about them, but should be focussing our Kavvanah on the Gedoilim, the Gemarrah, and Oig Melech Ha Bashan.
Yes. Woman are at the core of our ills. Excessive male association with women, and female exhibitionism are the sources of all that is wrong with the universe. This fundamental truth is recognized by the Gedoilim of our generation:
-- According to the Jerusalem Post published on November 2, 2015, "Prominent national-religious leader Rabbi Shlomo Aviner spoke out strongly on Monday against religious women serving in the IDF, saying they are contributing to the destruction of the State of Israel...'The State of Israel is the foundation of the throne of God in the world. Whoever harms the soul of the state also harms the state itself. A girl who enlists to the IDF with the claim that she wants to contribute, is indeed contributing – she is contributing to the destruction of the state.'" The message is clear: Women are destroying the State of Israel!
-- According to the Jerusalem Post on December 5, "Rabbi Aharon Leib Shteinman, the most senior haredi rabbi in the Ashkenazi non-hassidic haredi world, was quoted by a close associate as saying that a man had asked him if he should let his daughter go to university. Shteinman replied that to do so would be worse than stealing money since material goods may be recovered but the 'spiritual damage' of permitting the young woman to achieve higher education could not be undone."
In the very same article, we are told that a senior haredi rabbi recently suggested at a conference for high school principals held in Bnei Brak that higher education for women constitutes a more severe blow to the haredi world than the Holocaust. Rabbi Aviezer Peletz was quoted by the Kikar Hashabbat news website as saying, “The furnaces of this generation are burning more than the furnaces of Auschwitz, more than the cellars of the inquisition with all their tortures, these are spiritual furnaces.”
-- And Rabbi Modechai Willig, in his own essay on Torah.Org published in August, 2015, cast a shining light to the future of true Toirah Judaism when he declared, "the inclusion of Talmud in curricula for all women in Modern Orthodox schools needs to be reevaluated. While the gedolim of the twentieth century saw Torah study to be a way to keep women close to our mesorah, an egalitarian attitude has colored some women's study of Talmud and led them to embrace and advocate egalitarian ideas and practices which are unacceptable to those very gedolim." Those uppity bitches!
Yes, Rabboisai, all evils in the world, Hakadoshboruchhu's kingdom, are caused by women. They are leading us astray, and will drive Klal Yisroel and Kol Ha'Oilum Kooloh, to Shmad.
It is with this backdrop that the Heiligeh RCA had the foresight and wisdom to put up one more Geder to remind women to mind their places and stop with this Narishkeit of becoming rabbis. Rabbi Avraham Gordimer, SHLITA, one of the holy drafters of the RCA resolution reiterating the RCA's ban or ordaining women as rabbis and banning any so-called "Rabbas" or "Maha- Rats" from being hired into a religious or educational capacity by any Orthodox institution under their titles, wisely asked in an essay published on the Arutz Sheva website published on November 11, 2015, "why can we not recognize the sheer greatness of Jewish women in their age-old roles as wife, mother, educator/morah and rebbetzin/rabbanit?... Women in these capacities have built, sustained, inspired and carried the Jewish People through thick and thin. These roles are at the bedrock of our Mesorah (tradition) and are at times overlooked by those seeking to introduce and innovate."
Baruch HaShem! It is based on the wisdom of these Gedoilim that I make sure to keep my Bashert, Feigeh Breinah, barefoot and pregnant and in the kitchen at all times. In fact, right now she is preparing a soufflé in the kitchen, being careful not to slip on the water on the floor, which recently spilled from her Erva when her water broke, as she is preparing to give birth to our 32nd child. But don't worry, she will have plenty of time to finish the soufflé before I take her to the hospital - I am in the middle of a complicated Sugya in Bubba Basra, so I am going to need at least another hour to review the Meforshim before I am ready to take her.
I am reminded of a famous Maiseh Shehoya. Rabbi Dov Ber ben Avraham, the Maggid of Mezeritch, one of the Baal Shem Toiv's principal disciples, was once traveling through the Ukraine, raising money to buy his Chassidim Kuchmas, traditional fur hats for the cold winter. In those days, early on the Chassidic movement, rebbes did not travel in personal transport vehicles, but traveled by wagon, often accessed at the local stations in the towns along the travel route.
The Maggid had arrived early at the station in Babruysk, and was seated on a bench reading The Byelorussian Times when a beautiful, buxom blond woman, scantily clad and wearing a big crucifix, approached him.
"Are you a Chassidic Jew?" the woman asked in a throaty voice, whole her gaze focused on the Maggid's olive green eyes.
"I am indeed" replied the Maggid, trying his best to focus on his newspaper.
"Well.." the beautiful woman began, bringing her head rights next to the Maggid's, and whispering softly in his ear. "I would like you help with this fantasy I have. I would like you to come back to my apartment, and let me run my fingers through your Tzitzis and uncurl your Payis with my tongue. Then I want you to spend the whole night making sweet love to me, and bring me true Chassidic joy as many times as you can."
The Maggid slowly looked up from his newspaper, stroked his beard, looked the woman in the eye, and responded with a soft but stern voice. "Nu, young lady. So what's in it for me?"
As we see from the Maiseh Shehoya, women have throughout the generations led our men astray. Was it not Chava who led to humanity's fall from Gan Eden? Was it not Miriam who sowed discord amongst Klal Yisroel in the wilderness and was punished with Tzara'as? Was it not 300 of Shloimoi HaMelevh's wives who forced him to introduce Avoidah Zorah into the Bais HaMikdash, and also kept him perpetually exhausted?
Now, of course, some Talmidim may cite the accomplishments of women in previous times and in our own. Yes, we know all of the arguments that the so-called "Open Orthodox" will make: The Gemarrah and Chazal lived in a time of different sensibilities, and even Chazal leave openings for greater roles for women in religious leadership and give concrete examples of select exemplary women throughout history. Women in our days are equal beneficiaries of secular education and are as accomplished as men in business, the sciences, the arts, and increasingly in political life. Indeed, German Chancellor Angela Merkel was just named time Time Magazine's Person of the Year for navigating Europe through the abyss of 2015, assuming a global leadership role left open by President Barak HUSSEIN Oibama's dithering on key global challenges.
And when we look at women in the Bais Medrish, the so-called "Open Orthodox" will argue, women are proving themselves to be as capable as men in Talmudic scholarship.
But no matter.
As the Gemarra teaches us in Soitah, Daf Chuff, Amud Aleph (BT Sota, 20A)
רבי אליעזר אומר כל המלמד בתו תורה <כאילו> לומדה תפלות
Rabbi Eliezer says, one who teaches his daughter Torah, (it is as if) he teaches her Tiflus (folly).
And because Rabbi Eliezer says it, it must be true. And if anyone argues the issue with me, I will stick my fingers in my ears and start reciting Kaddish.
So our failures, or, rather, your failures, you Menuval, to distance yourself from women has brought the world to the brink of destruction. One very concrete example: In a Shtetyl in North America, a woman by the name of Rebbetzin Chana Adel Bas Yentah Frumah was named "Teacher Of the Year" by the township - from among all of the qualified candidates in the public school system and the local Yeshivas, across all genders. She is in fact the first teacher NOT from the public school system to receive this reward.
Should we, as Klal Yisrael, be proud of the accomplishment? Of course not! Because SHE IS A WOMAN! And not only that, she has been named "Teacher Of the Year" while teaching at an all boys Yeshiva! I am sorry! She is not a teacher - She is a Boy T.O.Y. And she is leading the Talmidim astray!!
So what can we do to restore balance in the world created by the Aimishteh?
Rabboisai, we must return to the basics. We must work to help Hakadoshboruchhu restore order to the world, by learning Toirah, by doing Mitzvois, and by rescuing the lost holy sparks scattered in creation.
Join me, and we will return this world to male dominance, just as the Reboinoisheloilum intended! Let us double the amount of time we spend in Koilel, and make our wives work twice as hard to raise the children and support the family, Let's subjugate our women, and make Klal Yisroel great again!
Just please do me one favor... Please do not share this Drasha with my Bashert, Feigah Breinah. I am scared shitless of her.
Ah Gutten Shabbos, You Menuval.
Rabbi Pinky Schmeckelstein
Yeshivas Chipass Emmess