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Friday, January 22, 2016

Parshas Bishalach


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THE COLLECTED WRITINGS OF RABBI PINKY SCHMECKELSTEIN

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Parshas Bishalach


In this week's Parsha, Bishalach, the Bnei Yisrael pass unhindered through the Yam Suf, while the Mitzrim drown, those Vilda Chayas. Following this great miracle, Moishe Rabbeinu sings Az Yashir, the "Song of the Sea," surrounded by a chorus made up of Klal Yisroel, with musical accompaniment by the London Philharmonic Orchestra, and with U2 serving as the opening act.

It's Gevaldik, man! Hey, somebody pass me the Bsomim!!

A Gemarrah in Chulin quotes Rish Lakish, who is troubed that Miriam Haneviya felt compelled to deliver her own song afterwards. What, Moishe Rabeinu's song wasn’t good enough? Suddenly women need to have equal time with men and copy everything that we do, including singing praises to Hakkadoshboruchhu?

I'm surprised that the Bnei Yisrael's sheep didn't feel left out and start singing a duet with the goats!

Asks Rish Lakish: What could Miriam have possibly been thinking?

According to the RIF, Miriam's motivation is purely philosophical: Miriam is fundamentally committed to the concept of equality between the sexes. He cites as proof a famous Medrish that notes that Miriam once burned her bra while preparing the Karban Pesach, the sacrificial Paschal lamb, and points out that Miriam used to always complain about getting paid 60% of what Aharaoin Hakoihain, the Menuval, was earning.

The RAMBAN argues Aderabbah -- Miriam was not interested in gaining gender equality at all! Rather, she was...err...more than happy to spend ALL of her time with women, if you know what I mean. He cites a Medrish that says that Miriam took six years off from her prophecy career to participate full time in the LPGA tour, and is frequently referred to in the Zoihar as "Big Butch Haneviya." She is in fact credited by most of CHAZAL for keeping Mishkav Nekaiyvah off the "Abomination" list and on the "Mitzvas Asei She'Hazman Grammah" list.

However, the Sifsey Chachomim hold Farkhert. They say that Miriam was solely focused on her singing career, and only performed following Moisheh Rabbeinu in order to attract interest in a three record album deal. They cite an MTV "Behind the Music" special that tells us that Miriam was always seen in a belly shirt, had a pierced navel, and was once engaged to Justin Timberlake for six months. Tragically, the Special tells us, her life spiraled out of control after an embarrassing "wardrobe malfunction", and when the Toirah says that Miriam spent two weeks outside of the encampment of Klal Yisroel due to leprosy, she was actually in rehab at the Betty Ford clinic.

Whatever the reason, Miriam's actions have bequeathed us a legacy. This is where we see the roots of Open Orthodoxy; Rabbahs -- Female Rabbis; Maharois – Female Almost-Rabbis; Yoi’atzois Halachah – Females with Rabbinic –level knowledge on Taharas Hamishpacha, menstruation, and orgasms, the Reform Movement, and the KKK. It is because of Miriam that women want to stop shaving their heads in Brooklyn, reveal an inch of their real hair in Monsey, have their own Minyan in Teaneck, have a “Partnership Minyan” with men in Manhattan, dance with the Torah in Lincoln Square, read from the Torah in Long Island, and bond with their sisters through membership in the Orthodykes. All because of Miriam.

Because of Miriam, women want to have jobs other than being teachers. They want to go to college, Chass V’Sholom. They want to drive, Rachmana Litzlan. And they even want the right to vote! All because of Miriam.

Miriam was the Shandah in the Midbar, and now Klal Yisroel suffers because our women want equality. They do not want to stay on their sides of the street or in the Ezras Nashim of the bus. All because of Miriam.

But that is not all. If Miriam would have stayed in the kitchen and had been watching the bread bake like she was supposed to instead of practicing make believe Chazzanus, we wouldn't have to spend a week and a half in constipated agony caused by eating nothing but Matzoh for eight days straight.

I would like to share a Maiseh Shehoyo: Last week I was at the Chassanah of the daughter of my insurance salesman. They had such wonderful schnapps that I got really Shikkur. In the morning, I was so hung over, I did Pisshin-Zein in the bathtub, gargled with my Neigel Vassar and flossed with my Tzitzis (which is quite efficient, since you can clean between sixteen teeth at one time).

My Bashert, Feigeh Breinah, could not join me at the Chassanah, since she said she needed to cook for Tisha Ba'Av and wax her head before going to the Mikvah. The next day she asked if I enjoyed myself, and I told her that other than being Mishtachaveh in the men's room for twenty minutes, I had a wonderful time. She wished me well as she went off to teach at the Bais Yankif, while I went back to bed to watch Dr. Phil and order in a pizza.

Such an Aishess Chayill. You should only be so lucky.

Ah Gutten Shabbos, You Minuval.

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Rabbi Pinky Schmeckelstein
Rosheshiva
Yeshivas Chipass Emmess

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