Parshas Tsav

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Parshas Tsav

This week's parsha, Tsav, is a complete repeat of Parshas Vayikrah. If you made it to shul last week, you should seriously consider sleeping in (unless there is a good kiddush).

The ROSH asked why the major elements of Vayikrah are repeated this week: animal slaughter, laws pertaining to specific rituals conducted by the Coihanim, etc. He concludes that Aroin Hacoihain, that minuval, was trying to take advantage and get people to pay twice for the same services, much like Roish Hashanah seats for members.

The RIFF vehemently disagrees. He says that the repetition stems from the fact that Tsav is based on "J" text sources, while Vayikrah is based on a mixture of "E" and "P" sources. I have no idea what he means -- I think this was written during the RIFF's famous apikoress phase.

The RADAK disagrees with both. He suggests that the Torah's repetition here is due to fact that the Parsha is typically read in March, right after the February sweeps are over. As is pointed out is Maseches Kesubois, we can expect many repeats after February until the May sweeps period, where in addition to totally new Parshiyois, we can also expect a Cosby Show reunion special and more best-of highlights from the Carol Burnett Show.

Finally, the RAN takes a different approach entirely. The RAN of course is famous for his benevolent attitude, as well as his facial ticks. He says the Torah repeated itself here to teach us that we should never give up on stupid people. No matter how much they don't understand a damn word we say, we should repeat ourselves again and again. I SAID: No matter how much they don't understand a damn word we say, we should repeat ourselves again and again.

I would humbly like to suggest a new pshat. It is said that the Rugachuga Rebbe once came to a town over Shabbos, and accidentally went to the wrong shul, an early Reform temple in the shtetl. After the Bas Mitzvah girl finished leyning the parsha, which happened to be Tsav, the Rugachuga was first on line at the shrimp table. When asked about the episode later, he replied that the Aimishteh, in his mysterious ways, had designed a different path for all of us to follow. Though two paths appear to be nearly identical, they often have different meanings and different trajectories. (That morning, his path led him to a place abundant in cocktail sauce.)

In our day, this divergence of personal choices and destinations could not be more stark. Take, for example, two principal apikoress institutions -- the Jewish Theological Seminary and Yeshiva University. YU, you ask? Well, as is well known, it is a great irony that everyone who attends Yeshiva University, a so-called Orthodox institution, either wants to go to Wall Street or become a lawyer. But everyone who attends JTS, a Conservative institution, wants to become a rabbi, and is also likely to date his/her chavrusa.

So while it might seem that the institutions are similar, graduates of both are each going about making the world a worse place in very different ways. The investment bankers and traders on Wall Street are harming the economy in the name of creating value (for themselves); the lawyers -- need I say more?

And the Conservative Rabbis? They oversee local institutions that are consistently responsible for the worst kiddushes on a Shabbos morning. Have you ever been to one? Cold bagels. Egg salad. Looking for cholent at a Conservative kiddush is like trying to find dirt under the Rebbetzin's nails before she goes the Mikva. Try as you might, it's just not there.

So if you do decide to go hear the Parsha this week, just make sure you go to an Orthodox shul. Or a Reform Temple. But if you do make it to a Reform Temple and there is a kiddush, be sure to be first in line, before the Rugachuga and his spiritual descendents eat up all the good stuff.

Ah Gutten Shabbos You Minuval