BUY MY BOOK, OR I WILL SELL ONE OF YOUR KIDNEYS!
IGROIS PINKY -- THE SECOND COLLECTION OF
THE WRITINGS OF RABBI PINKY SCHMECKELSTEIN
Rabboisai, I hope you have been saving up your money, because after
this week's parsha, Parshas Eikev, you are probably going to need to
spend some quality time with your analyst. That is because in
Parshas Eikev, Moishe Rabbeinu reminds Klal Yisroel of all of their
misdeeds in the desert: from complaining about desert conditions --
to the Eigel Hazahav, the Golden Calf -- to the Miraglim, the
rebellion against the conquest of the Promised Land -- to the
refusal to pay brokers' fees for the tent dwellings in the
wilderness. The threat, as Moishe states, is that if Klal Yisroel
doesn't behave, the Aimishteh will withhold rain from falling.
The Yayin Mevushal points out that this Parsha is the basis for the
Kabbalistic view of Hakkadoshboruchu and Am Yisroel as being
soul mates in an erotic male/ female relationship, with the Aimishteh
designated the masculine role. He sophomorically notes that the
Parsha clearly equates a long, indulgent build up of the
Rebboinoisheloilum's happiness and satisfaction with an occasional
liquid emission released from the sky.
Building upon this line of thought, the ARI ZAHL suggests that the
male/ female dynamic is actually meant to be a husband/wife
relationship. And pointing at this Parsha, he suggests that the
frequent threats made by the Aimishteh against Klal Yisroel prove
that He is a chronic wife abuser.
In a famous Gemarrah in Soitah, Rav Shayshess asks in the name of
Rav Hamnuna in the name of Rav: Why does the Aimishteh always have
to threaten Klal Yisroel-- why can't He simply emphasize the
positive? Abaya responds that Moishe and the Reboinoisheloilum
actually liked to tag team as good guy/ bad guy, based on something
they once saw on an old episode of CSI. He suggests that the
real reason Moishe was not allowed into Eretz Yisroel was that
Hakkadoshboruchhu preferred to always play the bad guy role and
didn't want to take turns.
However, Rava vehemently disagrees and suggests that Abaya should
spend more time learning Toirah and less time watching cable
television. Rava suggests that Hakkadoshboruchhu feels compelled to
remind Klal Yisroel of their wrongdoing because of their damned
short memory. They pray for emancipation, yet quickly forget the
evils inflicted by the Egyptians prior to the Exodus. They pray for
a Bais Hamikdash, but forget how when it stood it was a platform for
abuse. They pray for a return of Malchus Bais Dovid, the Davidic
monarchy, though forget how it was often a platform for corruption
and idol worship.
Look at your own life, you worthless minuval. You pray for health,
yet abuse your body. You pray for rain, then you complain about it.
You pray for a loving, kind wife, yet would gladly give up an arm to
be mezaneh with your hot shiksa secretary. You pray for peace and
unity among all the Jewish People, yet the only people you hate more
than Hamas and Ahmadinejad are that guy who sits two rows ahead of you at shul and that bitch two blocks away who wears tight jeans and a shaytl.
I am reminded of a maiseh shehoyo. I was recently traveling through
the shtetl in Minneapolis, sharing Divrei Toirah for a nominal
honorarium of 5000 dollars a speech, plus expenses. That Friday
night, I found myself offering a vort at the local Conservative
Synagogue. As I stood at the Bimah, I looked down at a congregation
filled with women with yarmulkas and women sitting next to men,
while behind me on the Bimah sat a female Rabbi and Cantor.
Upon my return to the Yeshiva, I mentioned my shock and horror to my
rebbe, the NPOJHARTHA, regarding the gross violations of modesty and
the reversal of gender roles. He replied that we should not look
upon the Conservative Movement with contempt; rather, we should
view all of its congregants with love, as indeed we are all brothers
and sisters, members of the tribe of Klal Yisroel, who standing
together, side by side, received the Toirah from the
Reboinoisheloilum at Har Sinai, and are forever united by that cosmic
And, in his soft spoken voice, he added that if anything, we should
feel pity, since they will all burn in the eternal fires of hell and
have their living flesh devoured by maggots and scorpions because of
their corruption of the Aimishteh's commandments, while we dance on
their graves, doing the hora and the choo choo train conga line, and
then dance on the graves of the other Jews who have committed
abominations before Hakkadoshboruchhu, including: the Reform, the
Conservative, the Chasidim, the Modern Orthodox, the ultra left wing, the ultra right wing, people who make more money than me, people who make less money than me, people with hotter wives than mine, people married to meeskeits, Woody Allen, all lawyers, all representatives of Amway, all people whose employers took government bailout money, and anyone who reads this Dvar Toirah.
So the key message of the warning in this Parsha is: though you have
the best of intentions, you may as well give up now. Because after
120 years, there will be a limited number of people who get to sit
alongside the Aimishteh in His throne. And I have no intention of
giving up my seat for you, you minuval.
Ah Gutten Shabbos You Minuval.