THE COLLECTED WRITINGS OF RABBI PINKY SCHMECKELSTEIN
Hakadoshboruchhu's Endorsement of Mitt Romney
“Boruch Atta Adonoi Eloihainu Melech HaOilum Asher Kiddishanu BeMotzvoisuv ViTzivanu LeHisataif BaTzitziss”
That is the Bracha that Mitt Romney makes every morning before donning his magical Mormon underwear, and the Bracha that, Imirtza HaShem, will be recited by all American children in school right after pledging allegiance to the flag of the United States of America.
We stand at the dawn of winning a religious Holy War against the Democrats and their leader Barack HUSSEIN Oibama, with their calls for the redistribution of all of our wealth, their hatred of Israel, and their sheltering of terrorists.
Have you ever asked yourself why the public never saw the body of Oisama Bin Laden after he was allegedly killed? Have you ever wondered why Oibama has never shown his real birth certificate? Have you ever wondered why Barack HUSSEIN Oibama and Oisama have never been seen together? It is because they are in fact one and the same person!
Indeed, without realizing it, we have been living under an Al Quaida regime for the last four years. That's why Oibama closed the prison in Guantanamo Bay, he stopped the US policy of using drones to target Al Quaida leaders and operatives, and he refused to impose sanctions on Iran. However, he did issue a Presidential Decree requiring that all federal employees pray to Allah five times a day.
Why does Oibama not meet with Prime Minister Binyamin Netanyahu? It is not because Bibi is a callous, cynical, two faced prick looking to avoid making any sort of political compromise while trying to extract American military and political commitments by using the Israel Lobby and congress to put pressure on the President. No. It is because Oibama is really Oisama, and he hates ALL Jews, so he refuses to meet with them. In fact, the only reason that Oibama became the first president to hold an annual Seder in the White House is because he wanted to force Jews to eat more Matzo to intentionally constipate them. He is a clever Soinay Yisroel indeed.
Why do you think Oibama has failed to fix the American economy? It is not because we are in a cyclical depression, built upon speculation and greed and wars that were not funded, as well as a perfect storm of global economic mismanagement. It is because Oibama is Oisama, and he is trying to destroy America from the inside, by eroding its economy by providing food stamps to the poor and extending healthcare to the uninsured. If the Aimishteh wanted the poor to have food and the uninsured to have healthcare, He would have given them money. Clearly He wants them to starve to death and die on the streets.
Why did Oibama end the war in Iraq and why is he winding down the war in Afghanistan, and why did he "lead from behind" in Libya and why does he refuse to fight in Syria? Because Oibama refuses to fight his Muslim Brethren. Because Oibama is Oisama, and Reboinoisheloilum knows that Muslims never fight against each other. Ever. Ever.
In fact, word on the street is that in a second Oibama administration, after Hillary Clinton steps down as Secretary of State, Oibama will nominate Ahmejinidad to the role. Or Khaddafi's remaining son. Or Bashir Al Assad when he is out of a job. Or Fidel Castro, if he wants to tip his hat to the Latino community.
So it is only Romney and Ryan who truly love America. They are inspired by Yoisaiph Smith and Yushka Pandra, and only want the best for this country and for Klal Yisrael.
According a Braisah in Kiddishin, Yitzchak Avinu was unable to distinguish between Yankif and Esuv because he was blind. And just as Yitzchak could not afford healthcare and had to do without, so should everyone who cannot afford healthcare do without. So, even though the poor get their care in the most expensive way - through the emergency room - we do not want to adopt a more cost effective policy since we do not want to be Oiver on Baal Toisiph.
Indeed, Romney believes that government does not create jobs; businesses create jobs. And that is why he pledges that when he becomes president he will create 12 million new jobs, I assume by doing absolutely nothing, since government does not create jobs.
Romney promises to lower taxes and cut spending. Boruch HaShem. He paid a 14% tax rate last year, and maybe next year he will only have to pay 12%. (Luckily I paid a 0% tax rate last year because I was able to take off the five-lane-Olympic-sized-Mikvah I built in my basement as a write off.)
Oibama/ Oisama has been letting in immigrants and illegal aliens in record numbers. No wonder there are not enough jobs for Americans. In fact, I recently hired a Rebbe to give a high level Gemarah Shiur who just snuck across the border from Mexico. I pay him five dollars a day and do not provide insurance, so I will be able to limit the tuition increase for my Yeshiva to only 15% next year.
Romney and Ryan have committed that they will not encourage illegal immigrants to leave the country; they only want to discourage them from staying. I will say, as a direct descendant of people who came over to America on the Mayflower, I don't believe in immigration either. Ich Vais Voos, who will they let in next?
Most importantly, a Romney-Ryan administration will get government out of our lives - less taxes, less regulation, less interference in our daily affairs. But Boruch HaShem, they will make sure that the government has a say in what goes on in our bedrooms. No abortion, Boruch HaShem, because life begins not at birth or at fetal viability, or even at conception, but at erection. And note that it is the man who has the erection, not the woman, so it is illogical that she should have any say in the murder... errr... matter.
Rabboisai, four more years of Oibama mean four more years of having a Marxist Communist Muslim in the White House. He is unAmerican. By the way, my opposition to him has nothing whatsoever to do with the color of his skin. Of course not! Never, never! I just hope that when he leaves the White House they do an inventory of valuables, and remove the posters of Malcolm X from the walls of the Lincoln Bedroom.
Romney on the other hand is completely American. Look up the word Shaygitz in Wikipedia and you find his picture. This is what the President of the United States should look like! Broad shouldered. A full head of hair. Beautiful white teeth. Skin that glows like Moishe Rabbeinu coming down from Har Sinai. A blond wife. And a pair of woolen Tzitzis tucked into his magical Gatkes.
And that is why Hakadoshboruchhu is endorsing Mitt Romney. The Aimishteh has studied all the issues and reviewed all the facts. He has weighed all the arguments made by the Republicans (the Reboinoisheloilum only watches Fox News, of course), and He has asked me, as His official spokesman on earth, that I pronounce an endorsement of Romney on His behalf. And any disagreement with His stated political opinion will be an affront to Hakadoshboruchhu that will yield you the punishment you deserve - four more years of Oisama... errr... Oibama.
My Beloved Talmid,
You may take joy or feel anger at this week's Drasha. In either case, you are both an ignoramus and a Mechutziff. This Drasha is intended as satire (you can look the word up in the dictionary). It is not intended as either a direct or an indirect endorsement of anyone. Rather, it is intended as a commentary on American political discourse in general, and American Jewish political culture in particular. It is a satire of dogma, and how allegiance to dogma interferes with genuine analytical evaluation and assessment. (I am sorry if these words are too big for you, by the way.)
The fact that I feel I have to write this disclaimer reflects the sad state of our democracy, and our community. Vote for whomever the hell you like. We can only hope that our bipartisan political system will find a golden path reflecting a balance of perspectives, as we are told once existed in the Sanhedrin.
As for me, I plan to vote for Rosanne Barr because we have never had a woman or a Jew as President before. We can break two glass ceilings in one shot. Her political platform is therefore irrelevant.
Ah Gutten Shabbos You Minuval
Rabbi Pinky Schmeckelstein
Yeshivas Chipass Emmess