THE COLLECTED WRITINGS OF RABBI PINKY SCHMECKELSTEIN
You are receiving this because you have subscribed to the NPOJ newsletter: Words of Torah Dripping With Sarcasm and Condescension.
To subscribe,send an e-mail to NPOJ8@YAHOO.COM with the word "Subscribe"
On Intelligent Design
I would like to share with you news about a contribution I recently made to a worthy cause: I am pleased to say that a few days ago I gave a sizeable sum to Chevron.
I was in Brooklyn on Roish Choidesh meeting for hours with a small group of Talmidim and supporters. And as I was on my way home, I sensed a real void, an emptiness. So I pulled over and filled up my ’73 Pontiac Safari station wagon with $54 dollars worth of unleaded at my nearest Chevron. That’s three times Chai. Or nine times the cost of the average meal at Burger King. Shoyn.
I share this story with you because you are my Talmidim, my beloved students, and even though you are worthless, good for nothing Minuvals, I still teach you, because Chass V’Sholom you should end up in a so-called-yeshiva that teaches Apikursus, such as evolution. Or English literature.
So what’s Pshat that we are descendant from apes, anyway? Ich vais, my Bashert, Feigeh Breinah, is, of course, on her father’s side… But how can people believe that the Gevaldik wisdom that defines this world is somehow the result of a continuous process of transformation? Only a Mechutziff would believe that the universe is older than 6,000 years, or that the dinosaurs did not die in the Mabul, or that Chava, Adam’s mate, wasn’t created out of Adam’s rib, or that Bradley, Adam’s other mate, wasn’t created out of one of his Schvantzlach.
Let me ask you: Did you ever see a DNA? Voos iz givehn ah double helix? Did RASHI write about DNA? As everyone knows, he had Ruach HaKoidesh, so if RASHI did not mention it, it must not exist! Did the RAMBAM write about DNA? And he was a doctor, for Reboinoisheloilum’s sakes. As everyone knows, he studied medicine for six years while sitting in the Bais Hakeesay!
Let me ask you: If you took a bottle of ink, shook it up, and threw it on a blank sheet of paper, would it give you the Talmud Babli? Would it give you the writings of Shakespeare? Would it give you the twelve volume collected works of Penthouse letters?
Of course not! So how can you say the world “evolved”? How can you say that Hakkadoshbaruchhu did not create the world in six days?
Perhaps you will say that it does not really matter…
-- I can choose to believe in Shayshess Yemai HaMaaseh or I can believe that Beraishis is not meant to be taken literally. Does it really matter?
-- I can keep strict kashrus, or I can choose to drink coffee at a Hooters, Chass V’Sholom. Does it really matter?
-- I can choose to believe in the Aimishteh who led us out of Egypt, or I can believe in His only son who He sent to Earth to die for our sins. Does it really matter?
Well, it matters, you Minuval. This world is defined by change. But Yiddishkeit has never changed and must never change! The way we worship the Reboinoisheloilum is word for word consistent with the Toirah given to Moishe Rabbeinu on Har Sinai by Hakadoshboruchhu.
And how did it happen? Klal Yisrael fasted and prayed for forty days and forty nights as Moishe Rabbeinu ascended the mountain, the fur on his Shtreimel shimmering in the wind throughout his long climb, his dangling Payis bobbing up and down with each step. Moishe did not wear leather shoes, as he was standing in a place of holiness. Instead, he wore rubber soled sneakers bought from Lands End – which luckily came in white.
Up the mountain Moishe Rabbeinu climbed, weighed down by his supplies – papyrus, writing implements, and food and water. The Medrish Tanchumah tells us that to conserve space, Moishe took up energy bars, but he also ate some local vegetation, for roughage. He also carried a small bag of toiletries, to tend to his human essential. Hey, forty days and forty nights is a long time.
At the top of the mountain the Aimishteh began to dictate: “Beraishus Barah Me Ess HaShamayim V’Ess Ha’Aretz”…”Heenay HaEitz Ve’Heitzim, W’Ayeh Haseh LeOilah”…”Loi Sevashel Gedi beChaleiv Imoi”…”Shma Yisroel I am your Reboinoisheloilum, I am Echadddddduh.”
As the Gemmarah in Taainis tells us, this first text-based component took ten days to complete. Moishe would have to take occasional breaks because his hand hurt. Or he would momentarily run out of ink and need to refill.
The next twenty days were focused on pure Halacha, which was memorized. How would Klal Yisroel know what was banned as work on Shabbos Koidesh? Hakadoshboruchhu patiently explained that the laws of work are derived from the activities used in building the Mishkan. He continued with Halacha LeMaaseh, explaining how electricity is like fire and/or Makeh BaPatish in that it closed circuits, opened circuits and lit the electrons in the TV when someone turned on “VEEP” on HBO on a Shabbos, and therefore that was considered a Melacha.
The Reboinoisheloilum patiently explained that women must cover their hair for the sake of modesty, and that the best way to do that is by donning the aggregated displaced real hair of some Caucasian non-pagan woman to cover one's own natural Prusta locks.
Yes, Moishe received the Toirah from the Aimishteh on Sinai, and we keep His words as delivered that day, never turning neither right nor left. I know this must be true, because this is what my Rebbe told me, and his Rebbe told him before that, and his Rebbe told him before that. And my Rebbe would never lie.
Unless, of course, he was on trial for embezzling from the government.
Or he was protecting a child molester.
Or he was trying to deny custody to a divorcing parent who was no longer observant.
Or he was using his access to women coming to him for marital or personal advice to seduce and rape them.
Or he was running a mafia-like operation in which he extorted money from desperate women and their families to force their husbands to give them a Get by kidnapping them and putting cattle prods to their genitals.
Then he might perchance find motivation for a teeny, tiny little lie…
It is time to take back Judaism.
Ah Gutten Shabbos You Minuval.
Rabbi Pinky Schmeckelstein
Yeshivas Chipass Emmess