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THE COLLECTED WRITINGS OF RABBI PINKY SCHMECKELSTEIN
Ask Rabbi Pinky: On the Differences Between Misnagdim and Chassidim
I would like to share you would, my beloved Talmidim, some recent Shakevetaria from an important Toirahdicka forum that has broad relevance for all of Klal Yisroel. I have received permission to cite the questioners, but have taken slight editorial license in the interest of Derech Eretz.
Reb Avraham Y.S. asks:
“Why do Briskers have such big Schvantzls?”
As Avraham Y. S. has pointed out, Briskers do indeed have big Schvantzls. But it is not just Briskers - It is in fact all Misnagdim. This was reported in a study in the Harvard Medical Journal in a joint study conducted by the Harvard Medical School, Beis Medrish Gavohah of Lakewood, and Blueboy Magazine. The study found that Misnagdim like me have Schmeckels that are, on average, 20% larger than those of Chassidim.
The key question, of course, is why. There is extensive research on this topic, including current studies at the UCLA Medical School, Bar Ilan University Medical School, and the world renowned Shmaaser Institute located in Davos, Switzerland.
At the moment, the dominant theory is known as The MBP Hypothesis. The conjecture is that the Metzitza BiPeh applied by Chassidisheh Mohelim is executed with such suction that is causes long term damage to the Chassidic Phallus. It is observed that MBP is in general less frequent amongst Misnagdim, plus the Mohel, when he does perform MBP, does it without real enthusiasm, since Misnagdim, Litvaks in particular, are not particularly enthusiastic about anything.
However, an alternate theory relates to shrinkage in the Mikvah; since Chassidim frequent the Mikvah often, almost daily, their Shvantzyls dry out, in a process similar to the chapping of skin.
There is however a theory that was originally proposed by the 5th Lubavitcher Rebbe, that suggested that proximity of the Makoim HaMilah to the "holy sparks" in the attempt to bring Moshiach Tzeit has an impact on the size of the Chassidic Penis. However, the nonsensical nature of this hypothesis resulted in the 5th Rebbe being impeached, although he was allowed to retain his pension and other retirement benefits.
Finally, there is the Usage Hypothesis proposed by Charles Darwin in his oft overlooked study of the Jews of Minsk that suggests that Chassidic male Pru Urvu organs are smaller because the corresponding female Pru Urvu organs of Chassidic women are also smaller. And Misnagdisheh Shmeckels are larger because the Misnagdishe Erva is, quote, "open like the ground swallowing up Koirach".
But the research continues...
Pessy S. asks: Rabeinu Schmeckelstein, I have a Halachic question that you might have encountered in your extensive research. Maybe you can guide me with an answer.
Being that I have a partly Chassidisheh background .... am I destined for the Chassidisheh Petzel, as Leah was destined for Esav? I have been Davening so much since early adolescence for a Misnagdisheh Schvantzyl that my eyes are always red nowadays. Truth is, the redness is also partly due to how much weed I've had to smoke to comfort myself from the fear of the Chassidisheh Kleinikeit.
To make my problem even more complex, I've asked my sisters if they would switch with me on the wedding night if I'm betrothed and forced against my will to marry a Chassidisheh Petzel. None of them are willing to do so, as they can't wait to welcome their intended Misnagdisheh Schvantzyl into their "homes".
Pessy – My heart goes out to you. But rest assured, there is no reason to believe that as a Chassidisheh Meidel you are truly destined for a Kleineh Shmaaser. It is not Bashert. That is not how the Reboinoisheloilum rolls.
The key concern here is whether your petite Chassidisheh "Bayis" can in fact comfortably accommodate a Misnagdisheh Makoim HaMilah. But I do not think you should worry yourself with such ToirahDickah Maisahs. As a Bas Yisroel, you should be focused on reciting Tehilim praying for a good Shidduch, exchanging recipes with your friends, and collecting Styrofoam heads for the many Sheytlach you will be collecting, BeEzras HaShem.
With regard to husband swapping, obviously Leah Imainu was involved in such a situation with Ruchul Imainu. So from a Halachic perspective it is acceptable, even encouraged. To curry the favor of Hakadoshboruchhu, I suggest that in addition to burning the Jamaican Ketoiress while Davening, you should also go to the local Koihayn and bring a Karban, perhaps a nice sheep or, in this case, a Cock-er Spaniel.
There is a flip side on the medical findings however. There seems to be an inverse relationship between the Chassidisheh Kleinikeit and their... Ummm... MitzvaDickah activities. True, Chassidisheh Yingerman are 20% smaller, but they also tend to engage in "the mitzvah" twice as much. That is why Chassidic couples tend to have at least ten children. So it is not all bad news.
Ah Gutten Shabbos You Minuval.
Rabbi Pinky Schmeckelstein
Yeshivas Chipass Emmess