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Wednesday, November 11, 2015

On the Curse of Eve


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THE COLLECTED WRITINGS OF RABBI PINKY SCHMECKELSTEIN

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On the Curse of Eve


Rabboisai,

I had a massive challenge this week. There was an ingredient that I needed for a recipe - I am actually trying to recreate the formula for Soita Juice - the liquid that will prove whether a woman is a Soitah or not - and I did not know the Koisher status of it. What's Pshat saffron? Is it an animal, or a vegetable or an herb? And if it is a vegetable or herb, does it have bugs crawling all over it, rendering it inedible for kosher reasons, like broccoli and asparagus in our day?

So I reached out to the OU, the OK, the Chuff K, the CRC, the BADATZ and the other reliable Hashgachois, kosher supervision agencies, but none had a satisfactory answer. Which doesn't mean that they do not know; more likely, it means that commercial negotiations with suppliers are pending.

Finally, I was referred to the world expert on Safron, who, as fate would have it, is a Frum Jew. So I called Ariel Goldberg for input, so that I could determine the kosher status of this key ingredient. But alas, when Ariel Goldberg picked up the phone, my hopes were shattered. As it turns out, Ariel Goldberg is a woman, and, consequently, any insight that she might offer on a Halachic question is like asking a deaf man to sing Stairway To Heaven. Women are simply not qualified to render Halachic decisions.

We are told in the Torah that the Reboinoisheloilum created our foremother in Gan Eden out of the rib of Adam HaRishoyn, so as to keep him company as an "Ezer Kinegdoi", a "Help Mate". Yet Woman was fundamentally flawed from the start. Apparently Hakadoshboruchhu only had part of the architectural plans from his original model, Adam, and missed a major component; His new creation did not include a Makoiym HaMilah, a "Gid" in semi modern Hebrew, a "Zayin" in Hebrew slang, or a Schmuck, Putz, Schmeckel, Schvantz, Schlong, Petzyl, Shmaaser in various forms of Yiddish slang. (Isn't it amazing that our ancestors in Eastern Europe had as many names for their private parts as Eskimos have for snow?) Chava lacked a penis, and this led to her poor judgment in being enticed by a snake, as well as in burning the Challah on Erev Shabbos.

Humanity, and women in particular, were indeed cursed by this design flaw in Gan Eden, a flaw that affects us Ad HaYoim HaZeh, until this day. Because of this fundamental flaw, women are not able to serve as Heads of State, no matter how much Angela Merkel and Margaret Thatcher would argue to the contrary. Women are not able to serve as doctors or lawyers or scientists. According to RASHI, Marie Curie was not a woman scientist, but a man who had his "business" shot off in World War One. Woman are incapable of serving as CEOs or COOs of companies. Facebook, IBM, HP, Xerox, Yahoo, Oracle, General Motors, Lockheed Martin, General Dynamics, Pepsico, Kraft and many other companies have only appointed women as figureheads, so that the person who washes the dishes in the office and sweeps up at the end of the day has a nice title. It is an "affirmative action" thing. It is just another example of the left wing conspiracy trying to take over this country.

The fact of the matter is, "Nashim Da'ason Kalois Hayn", as CHAZAL teach us, women are of simple minds. That is why Egypt, Iran, Iraq, Syria, Lebanon, Yemen, Saudi Arabia and many other respected countries in the world have not had a female head of state. Ever. That is why the Vatican has never had a female Pope and will not agree to having female Catholic Priests. And these guys are the experts, on the cutting edge!

I do not know about you, but. I start every morning with Brachois. Baruch Ata Adoeshem, Elikainu Melech Ha'Oilum... Sheloi Usani Goy, Sheloi Usani Uved, Sheloi Usani Ishah, etc. Blessed Art Thou Oh Aimishteh, Our Hakadoshboruchhu, King Of The Universe... Who did not make me a Gentile; Who did not make me a slave; WHO DID NOT MAKE ME A WOMAN, FOR REBOINOISHELOILUM'S SAKES!!!

And I mean it!

It is with all of this background that I have to proclaim my full, 100% support, for the leadership demonstrated by Rabbis Gil Student and Avraham Gordimer in using a rare procedural move at a recent gathering of the Rabbinical Council of America (RCA), the mainstream Modern Orthodox umbrella group of rabbis in the United States, to bring to the floor and pass a resolution reaffirming the RCA's opposition to the rabbinic ordination of women, and declaring a mandatory boycott against hiring any woman with a Rabbah or Maharasssss title into any position of educational authority in a Jewish institution, including the role of teacher.

Boruch Hashem!!! The last thing we need in our society are competent female educators and role models!

I prefer to look up to the current generation of leaders: Mordechai Willig - Who as the primary supporter of Boruch Lanner, clearly believes that it is OK to sexually abuse women, as long as you do not teach them Gemarah; Herschel Schachter, who would rather have sexual abusers run free than sit in jail with "Schvartzes" (his word, not mine); and Jonathan Rosenblatt, who loves to make sure that his Talmidim are REALLY clean before teaching them Toirah!

It is critical that we block women from taking on additional responsibilities in our community! As RAMBAM teaches, we cannot have a woman serve as a king or, by inference, in any position of leadership. This is due to the ruling on Serara in Hilchois Melachim. Now, never mind the fact that in general, we do not necessarily Paskin like the RAMBAM, ever - his full treatise of Mishnah Toirah is a magnificent work of scholarship, but is viewed as an input to Halachic discourse, not as binding Halacha LeMaisah. Never mind the fact that many of his positions stand in contrast to alternate Halachic positions before and after - whether it was the positions of the Gaonim and others that he disagreed with, the RAMBAM's own positions that were frequently attacked by the RAMBAN in Spain in a subsequent generation, or the many other Rabbinic scholars who felt license to debate the RAMBAM throughout the ages. And never mind the fact that he lived 900 years ago in Muslim Egypt, where undoubtedly women in society were seen in a completely subservient light. And never mind the fact that the RAMBAM, also a famous doctor, represented the cutting edge of his day, but frankly we go to modern doctors for modern medicine, and do not rely on his medical text books either. The fact of the matter is that on this one issue, we absolutely hold like the RAMBAM, because Hakadoshboruchhu forbid that any leader of Klal Yisroel should be missing a penis. After all, what would the Goyim say? Next thing you know, we will be giving Smicha to orangutans and gerbils, and I for one do not look forward to hearing a Drasha being delivered by a mouse-like creature talking about the Parshas HaShavua while running in a wheel.

It is critical that we block women from taking on additional responsibilities in our community! The well know Braisah tells us that women could in theory be called up to read from the Toirah, but we do not do it because of Kvoid HaTzibur, out of respect for the congregation. The RIF suggests that this expression related to concerns about public modesty - Men in the congregation may hear a woman's voice and begin masturbating like chimpanzees. The RAN suggests that this expression reflects the concern that a menstruating woman would bleed all over the Bimah, and it would be embarrassing to the congregation to have the carpets cleaned every week. And the ROISH suggests that Kvoid HaTvibur simply suggests that it would be offensive to the congregation to have someone called to the Toirah who is missing a penis. After all, reading from the Toirah is akin to Moishe Rabbeinu receiving the Toirah on Mount Sinai, and he certainly had a penis, at least according to most Rishoinim.

So women should absolutely not be given additional responsibilities in our community, not serve as Rabbis/ Rabbahs, Maharasssss's, Yoatzois Halacha, officers in synagogues, teachers, or leaders of play groups. And, as cited by my Rebbe, Mordechai Willig, we should stop teaching Gemara to women, as now they are uppity bitches who do not know their place in society. We should also stop allowing women to attend higher education, as this gives them the idea that they can contribute to broader society. And we should reverse the Bais Yaakov movement and stop educating our women altogether. In fact, I plan at the next RCA gathering to propose a resolution that all women be chained to a central post in every Jewish home all day and every day, with a chain just long enough to move around from the kitchen to the bedroom. I think 20 feet long is more than enough in most homes.

The only exception of course will be Koilel wives, who will be let off of their chains long enough to raise their ten kids and work three jobs a day.

Now, Boruch Hashem for the initiative of Rabbis Student and Gordimer! There are a lot of minor distractions in the Jewish community, but they have kept the community focused on the single most important issue. Sure, the RCA could spend its time focusing on:

-- Addressing the plague of sexual abuse in our community
-- Addressing the plight of Agunois, women who are trapped in quasi marital limbo because their husbands refuse to grant them a Get, a religious divorce certificate
-- Broadening the scope of Jewish education
-- Addressing the yeshiva tuition crisis
-- Delivering unity to Klal Yisroel at a time of economic, political and social divide, and
-- Focusing on intellectual relevance at a time when many people are abandoning the faith in droves.

But luckily, Rabbi Student and Gordimer have kept the RCA focused on the most important issue of our day: Keeping leadership out of the hands of people lacking a penis.

I am reminded of a famous Maiseh Shehoya brought down in a Braisah. It was LAG Be'Oimer, and Bais Shammai and Bais Hillel were having their annual friendly competitive sports outing. This year, instead of softball, they decided to play volleyball. And this year, Bais Hillel brought in a couple of ringers - a couple of the wives of the Talmidim who had been members of their college volleyball teams.

When the female members of the Bais Hillel team showed up on the field, the Bais Shammai team protested. Bais Hillel said that no rules were violated by allowing women to play, but Bais Shammai protested that it was indeed against the rules, and if not against the rules, it was at least against the spirit of the rules. After Bais Hillel refused to change its team line up, Bais Shammai refused to play, and went protesting to the Roman Authorities. The year was 67 CE, and the rebellion against Roman rule was breaking out, along with an accompanying Jewish civil war, with Bais Shammai and Bais Hillel on different sides. In the end, there was much loss of life, and the Second Bais Hamikdash, the Second Temple, was destroyed.

But at least no women were allowed to play in the Bais Shammai - Bais Hillel volleyball game. Boruch Hashem!

Because the last thing you would ever want to do is improve your team performance by adding a team member who was born without a penis, Chass V’Sholom.


Ah Gutten Shabbos, You Menuvelessss


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Rabbi Pinky Schmeckelstein
Rosheshiva
Yeshivas Chipass Emmess

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