Parshas Pinchas

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Parshas Pinchas

This week's Parsha, Parshas Pinchas, is named after me.

After all, Moishe Rabbeinu certainly had Ruach Hakoidesh, and could easily foresee the day, 3500 years in the future, when a full bearded white man wearing a long black Bekesheh and a big, black felt hat would use electronic pulses to share deep insights on the words of the Reboinoisheloilum with people like you – Minuvals who need an occasional five minute break from surfing porn, Facebook, or reading a Goiyushah newspaper, Chass V'Shalom. Isn’t it obvious? No wonder Moishe Rabbeinu was always so optimistic about the future of Klal Yisroel!

By sheer coincidence, of course, this week’s Parsha is also about Pinchas Ben Elazar -- the grandson of Aroin Hacoihain, the Minuval -- who at the end of last week's episode emulated the benevolent, sympathetic, and merciful connection between Hakadoshboruchhu and Klal Yisroel by slaughtering an Israelite man and his Midianite girlfriend by impaling them with both with a single spear mid coitus and initiating a plague in which 24,000 people died.

Reb Hai Goyn asks the Shailah: Who were these 24,000 people? Was interdating such a widespread activity for the holy Dor Mattan Toiraseinu that it required a plague? Why not simply have an Republican Party Convention and charge the participants retail? What’s pshat?

According to Rabbeinu Tam, the plague that killed 24,000 people was not only targeted at people who were dating Midianites; the targets also included insurance salesmen, fundraisers, lawyers, telemarketers, and members of the teachers' union.

But the Mordechai disagrees. He holds that none of the people who died in the plague were dating Midianites. Rather, all were members of Klal Yisroel who were supporters of Hillary Clinton.

But the question about the centrality of Midianite women to this Parsha does not fall away so easily. A Gemarrah in Chulin asks: Why was Moishe Rabbeinu immune to the plague targeted at members of Klal Yisroel involved with Midianite women? Indeed, Moishe’s wife herself was in fact the daughter of a Midianite priest, a Shiksa, for Reboinoisheloilum's sakes!

Rav Ashi points out that we Darshin from this an important Halacha: While interdating is banned, intermarriage is still acceptable, as long as the marriage represents a step up in social class. He notes that Midian was considered to be the cultural elite of Late Bronze Age Near Eastern society. According to Rav Moishe Feinstein, in our age this ruling would apply to Episcopalians, hedge fund managers, wealthy Wall Street donors to the Clinton campaign, and members of "the liberal media", unquote.

But Rish Lakish holds Farkhert. He holds that interdating is not only acceptable, it is encouraged. Rather, it is intermarriage that is not permitted, even when the woman converts. However, Rish Lakish notes, CHAZAL tell us that intermarriage is in fact permitted with a convert, but only if the conversion has been overseen and approved by one of the four ultra Orthodox guys in the Israeli rabbinate with a lofty classical rabbinic education and a full Swiss bank account.

----

There is a Medrish, however, that tells us that the plague did not actually kill 24,000 people. LeOilum, only 4,000 people died. However, the Toirah improperly included in its count an extra 20,000 people who were projected to die during the remainder of the year. This, however, never actually occurred; however, Klal Yisroel made an insurance claim for the death of 24,000 people and received full payment, plus federal aid. This resulted in an accounting scandal and a significant decline in Market Value for which Moishe Rabbeinu was held responsible.

According to this Medrish, the actual reason Moishe was not allowed to enter the Promised Land was because he was sentenced to 25 years in a minimum security penitentiary and had to pay $2 million shekels in fines and back taxes. But he was allowed to host a Bar Mitzvah for his grandson, Seymour, in the prison lounge. What a Kiddush Hashem!!

----

The M'EERIE asks a separate, very important question on a different part of this Parsha: Why is the story of Pinchas juxtaposed with a listing of the clans of the tribes of Israel, followed by a discussion of property and inheritance rights highlighted in the story of the Bnois Tzeluphchud?

As we all know, the daughters of Tzeluphchud request the right to inherit their father's property, given that he had no sons. After consulting with the Aimishteh and several leading estate lawyers, Moishe Rabbeinu accepts their argument. So, what does one story have to do with the other?

The Bais Yoiseph gives a beautiful Pshat: He suggests that the Toirah put the stories together to teach us that if a parent dies and you cannot agree with your siblings over an equitable division of assets, you are allowed to drive a spear through their stomachs, just as Pinchas did.

But Reb Shmiel Kalbasavua suggests farkhert, that the reason that Klal Yisroel at this point - in the desert, prior to entering Eretz Yisroel - were already engaged in property ownership disputes is because they were beginning to process their mortgage applications. And the story of Pinchas teaches us that whenever you show up to the closing, always be prepared for the worst.

I, the RAPAS (Rav Pinky Schmeckelstein), would like to suggest an alternative explanation for the episodes being presented together. If we contemplate the result of the petition of the Bnois Tzeluphchud - that they ultimately gained land inheritance rights - these young Bais Ya’akov girls were instantly considered desirable. Even if they had one eye and seven arms between them, they were women who owned property, and that made them nice catches.

So this week's Parsha comes to teach us that this rule applies to Midianite women as well: A Midianite woman who eats pork, worships idols and is regularly mezaneh with farm animals is also desirable, as long as she owns real estate.

Like Donald Trump, she may be a disgusting human being with a track record of bankruptcy, have a foul mouth, be a race baiter and disdainful of American war heroes like John McCain, be a hypocrite, have possibly ties to Russian investment and the Russian government, lack in relevant experience, and have an uneven temperament.

But as long as she has real estate, and is not a Democrat, she is welcome with open arms.

Mi KeAmcha Yisroel!

Ah Gutten Shabbos You Minuval

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Rabbi Pinky Schmeckelstein
Rosheshiva
Yeshivas Chipass Emmess

Parshas Chukass

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Parshas Chukass

This week's Parsha, Parshas Chukass, has more action than an episode of Desperate Housewives. Let's see:

-- There are four confrontations with other nations, three of which result in wars
-- There are two rebellions of Klal Yisroel against the Aimishteh
-- Moisheh Rabbeinu, undoubtedly prompted by his good-for nothing brother, Aroin Hacoihain, the minuval, hits a rock and loses the right to enter Eretz Yisroel
-- Aroin Hacoihain dies (or at least he claims to; I think he actually returns to Egypt to open a falafel stand in a strip mall)
-- We learn about the Parah Adumah, the laws of the red heffer.

Once again, we are confronted by the key questions: Why do the Jews always rebel, those Behaimas? And why doesn't Hakkadoshboruchhu just wipe them out once and for all? (That way, we wouldn't have to read from the Torah every week and I could get home by 11:00 am, in time to watch the end of Saturday morning cartoons -- Er, I mean learn Daf Yoimi.)

If we look at all the grievances that Klal Yisroel raised in the desert, they are largely around sustenance (food and water), security (in the face of hostility from local nations) and leadership (either panic in the absence of Moishe, or challenging his authority). They frequently long to return to Egypt, where they likely still have active bank accounts and unredeemed frequent flyer miles. They never long for a hot shiksa or a ham sandwich, unlike you, you mamzer.

According to the Tzitz Eliezer, all of this boils down to one simple question: Why did the Aimishteh have to make it so difficult on Klal Yisroel? If we are warned against entrapment in the rule known as Lifne Iyver, is not the Reboinoisheloilum bound by the same rule? If He has already selected the Bnei Yisroel as the Chosen People, rescued them through the Exodus, split the sea, given them the Toirah, etc., why can't He just cut them a little slack? Does He really need to constantly test them? Give them some water, for Reboinoisheloilum's sake. Maybe even give them a coke machine in the desert. Provide catering. Give them machine guns; Oig Melech Habashan's bows and arrows won't stand a chance.

Is it that He is bitter? Is it that He likes to see Klal Yisroel suffer, or that He seeks validation from their prayers? Does He enjoy inflicting plagues that wipe out 10,000 minuvals at a time?

This question relates to a tale about the MAHARAL Mi-Prague. One Sunday afternoon the MAHARAL was taking the Golem for a leisurely walk in the zoo in downtown Prague. Noticing a gum wrapper on the floor, he pointed to it and said, "Goilem, please don't ever litter like that." The Golem stared at him blankly, and then suddenly picked him up and threw him over the fence into the monkey cage. The monkeys proceeded to climb on his beard, swing from his tzitzis, and make Mei Raglayim on his hat.

That night the Reboinoisheloilum came to the MAHARAL in a dream. "Why did you let the Goilem humiliate me today in the zoo?" the MAHARAL asked? The Aimishteh, half paying attention, looked up from His newspaper and responded, "Iyoiv (Job), I kill his whole family and he doesn't complain, but you get upset at a dry-cleaning bill!" Upon waking up the MAHARAL immediately renounced his faith and joined the Ethical Humanist Society. (He later returned to the faith when he was told by his congregation that they would not allow him to collect his pension otherwise.)

So the MAHARAL, trying to do a good deed, ends up being punished. Was it wrong that he renounced the faith? Is it wrong for Klal Yisroel to panic in the desert or make what seem like reasonable demands? Indeed, was it wrong for me, when I visited Eretz Yisroel last month, to insist on getting a steep discount on my real estate investment, because while I love the Land of Israel, I suspect the value of my property on a hilltop overlooking Shchem is not going to go up anytime soon?

There is a gemarrah in Yoomah that brings down a famous machloikess between Rava and Abaya. The debate goes as follows: Rava holds that in shul on Yoim Kippur everyone must kneel on the floor four times. His reasoning is that this must be done to show humility before the Aimishteh. But Abaya holds that only half of the congregation has to kneel, while the other half stands around and gossips about the schmucks lying with their knees on dirty paper towels and their faces on the floor. Abaya explains that according to him, there actually is no God, and religion is simply a human construct. He proves the nonexistence of God from a possuk in Beraishis, Perek Yud Daled. Abaya concludes that there is no better way to commemorate this fact than to gossip on the most somber day of the year.

Toisfois comments that real argument here is not about whether or not the Aimishteh exists. Koolay Alma Lo Pligi – everybody knows -- that both Rava and Abaya were thrown out of yeshiva for being atheists, as well as for smoking on Shabbos. Rather, their argument is over the nature of the universe: Rava believes in Karma, that for every action, there is a counter-action. But Abaya holds that everything in the world happens completely at random.

This week's Parsha stands as additional proof of Abaya's position: No matter what they do, Klal Yisroel cannot win. They have to starve. They are attacked. When they complain, they are smitten. Moishe Rabbeinu, for all his personal sacrifices, doesn't even get to enter Eretz Yisroel. And to top it all off, the Bnei Yisroel are told that if they sprinkle each other with the ashes of a red calf all of their spiritual impurities will magically go away.

No, look as hard as you will, you will not find a rational center to the world. Which is why we are required to keep three basic precepts: Judge others as if we were the Reboinoisheloilum; complain as much as possible about the most insignificant things; and act as if we know all the answers about everything, rather than admit ignorance even once, chass v'sholom.

If we follow these basic principles, we may create Hakadoshboruchhu for ourselves and generate a rational nexus for the world. We may save money. And, most importantly, we just might make ourselves more attractive to hot Shiksa desperate housewives.

Ah Gutten Shabbos You Minuval

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Rabbi Pinky Schmeckelstein
Rosheshiva
Yeshivas Chipass Emmess

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NEW -- Ask Rabbi Pinky: A Gevaldickah Business Idea


Rabboisai,

I was sitting in Bais Medrish learning a beautiful Toisfois the other day when I received a “ding” on my Koisher smartphone – AKA my “not-so-smartphone” – informing me that I had received a new e-mail. I was excited, of course, because I thought that I had received a new Drasha from Aish, or from Gush, or from Chabad, or from Yeshiva University, or from Toirah.Com – those anti-Semites, or Yeshivassss Choivevei Toirah, those self-hating Jews, or from JOFA, those Shiksas. But no – it was a deep and insightful Shailah and business proposal from an anonymous Talmud named “The Emesah Menuval”.

I share the Shailah here with you, as well as my response, because I believe that every day provides new opportunities to learn Toiras Moishe Rabbeinu. Every moment!

You can be getting in an elevator and BAM!, the closing of the doors inspires a Chiddush. Or you can be getting into the same elevator and notice some Machsheifah with a tattoo, and just before you look away in disgust, you notice that the woman has the Shaym HaMefoirush tattooed over one large bosom, and the Yin/ Yang symbol tattooed over her other large Bosom, and you realize that her tattoos are a declaration that Hakadoshboruchhu keeps the Oilum in balance, either by feeding us and nurturing us and providing for our every need, or by flashing someone’s abundant Tzitz in front of us, thereby distracting us from getting into a fist fight over who will make a worse president, Hillary Clinton or Donald Trump, and instead driving us to find the nearest Bais HaKeesay to…. ummm.... Wrestle With The Rabbi, if you know what I mean….

Shoyn.

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Reb Pinky, Shlita

I am in the process of developing a new service for acheinu klal yisrael and your assistance on two matters. My first request is to ask you to head up the rabbinical bored to address regular halachic questions that will come up while providing our service. My second request is to ask your permission to use your name, see below. Yes your chashuva name has true marketing value.

Recently there was a news story about the first successful penis transplant. In addition, with all the gender confusion issues society is experiencing there appears to be a new market of donors and recipients. So we are planning on starting a new type of shadchan service for that very special makom mitzvah. As a side note this might be a real solution to the shidduch crisis. When the the bais yankiff principals and kallah teachers find out how many bochurim received an African dip stick they will lobby the rabbonim to remove the cheirem rebbanu gershom just so that each Jewish maidel should have the experience.

We're considering the name of the business to be "Sim na yirecheich tachas yireichi". And so here are my shailos for you. Can someone do a proper chalipin with this makom mitzvah? if a person receives a putz that doesn't have a bris, is he required to have a bris performed on this heiligah cheftza? and if a bris needs to be performed does it have to be done before or after the hardware is attached? in short is this a din in the cheftza or the gavra? and if someone receives a real generous cheftza do we now have a new definition of a gavra rabbah?

As you can see from the listing of questions above you will be kept very busy as part of the rabbinical bored. If the business grows I would offer you an option to join the bored of excuses.

Our product line is expected to include:

the Richard
the deluxe Richard
the long john
the African dip stick
the Oscar Meyer (best for metzitzah b'peh) is a bracha required by the kurva?
the Veiner Shnitzel (best for metzitzah b'peh) is a bracha required by the kurva?
the Shmuck
the Putz
the weiner
(we expect the product line to grow)

and for those women who don't want to feel anything perhaps we can offer the Pinky Schmeckel. Please confirm if you will grant us permission to use your name.

We are also accepting investors.

The Emesah Menuval

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Dear Emesah Menuval,

Thank you for your wonderful letter and for including me in your business planning. Yes, indeed, modern science and modern medicine have enriched the lives of many. Of course, I do not believe in such Bubba Maises. I am tired of people trying to tell me that the earth is round and that the earth revolves around the sun. After all, the Gemarrah tells us otherwise, and WOULD YOU QUESTION THE ACCURACY OF THE GEMARRAH, YOU MECHUTZIFF?!?!

So an Erlichah Yid does not believe in modern science or modern medicine… unless of course he needs a kidney transplant, in which case he deserves to be raised to the top of the kidney recipient list, or is able to purchase a kidney harvested from a Kidney Farm, AKA a Gentile.

As I have written elsewhere – in http://rabbi-pinky.blogspot.com/2016/06/on-modesty.html -- it is becoming customary for Jewish Men to follow the lead of Jewish Women: Just as a woman out of modesty covers her Ervadickah hair with a Sheytel that is often more attractive than her real hair, so too men have started to wear artificial Schmeklach outside of their pants to preserve a man’s Tzniuskeit as well. And as a woman typically has several Sheytlach for different occasions, so too a man should have multiple SheytSchvantzes™.

Bameh Devarim Amurim? – When were these words said? When discussing the issue of modesty, and related specifically to an artificial supplement rather than a replacement.

However, your new business idea does not relate to modesty per se, but to a medical transplant, a replacement. Have you indeed sunk so low that you would suggest replacing that which the Aimishteh gave you with the Eiver of another? Sure, you would take a kidney, or a heart, or Eppis a piece of liver, if it will save your life. But an Eiver? Is such a thing permitted?

Well, as you know, CHAZAL knew EVERYTHING and anticipated such a situation. Reb Saadia Goyn wrote in his Sefer HaHakkarah that “On a man’s wedding night, a Chosson must introduce his Eiver to his new Kallah, whether it is a massive Babylonian Shoifar or a teeny-weeny-tiny Ashkenazic Dreidel. But if the Chosson is embarrassed by his Eiver, he may use a substitute.”

The Mechaber of the Shulkhan Arukh and the RAMAH have different interpretations of what Reb Saadia meant. According to the Mechaber, the term “a substitute” actually refers to a man’s Chavrusa, as in “Hey, Ploiny Almoiny, I am getting married tonight, but my Schvantzyl may not be up to snuff, so can you please ‘recite a Toisfois or two’ on my behalf?”

However, the RAMAH argues brusquely against this interpretation, referring to Reb Yoisaiph Caro as a “silly Sephardi sex maniac”, noting that such an action would be a Dioraisah of Eishas Ish and would cause the Chavrusa and the new bride to be Chayuv Misah, while entitling the young husband to a full dowry and inheritance from the bride’s family. Rather, the RAMAH suggests that the term “a substitute” refers to “an artificial alternative that supplements a man’s natural Bris Milah, enabling a Chosson to quickly bring pleasure to his Kallah so that he can get back to the Bais Medrish and learn Mussar for twenty hours a day”.

Of course, it is not clear what the RAMAH’s term “artificial alternative” means.

According to the Schvantz Mordechai, this refers to “an inanimate object” that complements a man’s natural Makoim HaMilah, referred to in Yiddish as a “Tdilldoy”.

However, according to the Tzitz Eliezer, an expert in Halachic medical questions, the term “an artificial alternative” can refer to “any form of supplement or replacement, even an organic replacement, as long as the alternative comes from a non-Pagan, which eliminates Hindus, Celtics, Wiccans, and Lubavitchers.” Unquote.

So, my beloved Talmid, the issue is Nisht Azoy Pashut, it is not so simple. It is not clear that penile replacement is Halachically acceptable. However, for those who feel strongly about it, Yaish Al Ma Lismoich – there is a credible Rabbinic to rely upon.

With regard to your offer that “for those women who don't want to feel anything perhaps we can offer the Pinky Schmeckel”, I take personal offense to that suggestion. My Bashert, Feigeh Breineh, has never complained even once about my equipment. Well… perhaps she has tried, but it is really difficult to make out what she is saying when she has her leather S&M mask on. So Shtikah K’Hoida’ah.

Ah Gutten Shabbos, You Menuval.

---------

Rabbi Pinky Schmeckelstein
Rosheshiva
Yeshivas Chipass Emmess

NEW -- My Israel Tour Diary

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NEW -- My Israel Tour Diary


Rabboisai,

I was on a plane coming back from Yeshiva business in Eretz Yisroel. After protesting to the anti-Semitic flight attendants, Resha’im Arrurim, that I could not possible be seated next to a woman on the airplane, especially one who weighed 400 pounds and smelled like matjes herring, I was seated next to a Feineh Mensch who was similarly dressed to me. Boruch Hashem.

So we began to speak to each other. What is your name, I asked him. "Reb Shloimoi Libi" he responded. Where are you from, I asked him. He responded that he is from Far Rockaway. In response, I told him that I am from Boro Park, Ir HaKoidesh.

I then asked him where he learned. He responded "Baltimore. And you?" I responded "BMG".

We then started comparing which Rabbanim we had gotten Brachois from while in Eretz Yisroel. Reb Shloimoi told me that he received a Bracha from Belzer Rebbe. I told him that I had received a Bracha from the Gerrer Rebbe. He told me that he received a Bracha from the Rosheshiva of Ponovitch. I responded that I received a Bracha from the Rosheshiva of the Mir.

And so it went.

I told Reb Shloimoi that I visited the Kever of the Babba Sali, and he responded that he visited the Kever of Ovadiah Yoisaiph. I told him that I visited the Kever of Rav Issur Zalman Meltzer, and he responded that he visited the Kever of the Chazoin Ish.

Advantage Reb Shloimoi.

Then we started comparing where we Davened.

Reb Shoimoi told me that he had Davened Shacharis at the Maaras HaMachpelah, Mincha at Kever Rochel, and Maariv at the Koisel HaKatan (a small part of the Western Wall only accessible in the Moslem Quarter). I responded that I had Davened Vasikin at the Koisel, Mincha at Kever of Rabban Shimon Ben Gamliel, and Maariv in Tzfas, on the hill where the Ari ZAHL and his acolytes would Daven on Friday nights (that is where the prayer Lecha Dodi was introduced).

Advantage me.

I mentioned that during this trip to Eretz Yisroel, I took a side trip into Jordan, and said Tehillim at Nebe Mussa, the site believed to be where Moishe Rabbeinu observed the Promised Land from across the Jordan River and then went off to die. Reb Shloimoi responded that he went up to Har HaBayis and secretly recited Tehillim while being watched by members of the IDF, the Waqf, the U.N., and the Better Business Bureau.

Advantage Reb Shloimoi.

Reb Shloimoi mentioned that en route to Eretz Yisroel he visited Uman in the Ukraine, and Davened at the Kever of Rabbi Nachman of Bresslov, while being escorted by a bodyguard. I responded that en route to Israel I stopped in Bagdad and Davened at the Kevarim of Abaya and Rava, while wearing a flak jacket.

Advantage me.

I mentioned that I protested at the Women’s Tefillah (Tiflus) Group at the Koisel, and was nearly arrested. Reb Shloimoi reported that he protested at the Jerusalem Pride (Toieivah) Parade, and was arrested.

Advantage Reb Shloimi.

At mealtime, Reb Shloimi insisted that he only eats BADATZ Hashgacha, as he does not trust the Rabbanut when it comes to Orlah and possible leftovers from Shmitah. I responded that I only eat meat that I slaughter myself, and, in order to avoid the Chashash of Orlah and Shivi’is, I only eat produce that carry the Hasgacha of HAMAS in Gaza.

Advantage me.

I told Reb Shloimi that while in Israel, I heard great Shiurim from Reb Zeidel Wolf Rosenbaum and from Reb Berl Rokach. He responded that he heard fantastic Shiurim from Reb Nissel Rosenbaum and from Reb Mordechai Dovin Unger.

Advantage Reb Shloimi.

Reb Shloimi told me that he had trouble reaching the Koisel one evening because of some swearing in ceremony being held by “the IDF army”. (Author’s note: I actually heard someone say those words on a plane two weeks ago, after I had the privilege to witness that Tekes HashBa’Ah for a brigade of Israeli paratroopers.) I replied that I lay my body across an archaeological dig at the side of a construction site, to prevent the self-hating-anti-Semites from Chass V’Sholom disturbing Philistine bones.

Advantage me.

I told Reb Shloimi that I had carried $1,000 in Shaliach Mitzvah money which I used to endow a new Shas to a Yeshiva in Bnei Brak. Reb Shloimi responded that he had carried $10,000 in Shaliach Mitzvah money which he contributed to the political coffers of the Degel HaToirah political party.

Advantage Reb Shloimi.

Finally, Reb Shloimi boasted about how at eight days old, his Bris Milah was performed by the most prominent Moihel in Far Rockaway, and that the Moihel performed Metzitza BiPeh Melei’ah, without the use of a glass tube. I responded that at eight days old my Bris Milah was performed by the finest Moihel in all of Brooklyn, who also performed Metzitza BiPeh Melei’ah, and that to ensure that the Zchus lasts me for my entire life, I have my Bashert, Feigeh Breineh, perform Metzitza BiPeh on me once a month, and twice if I am really lucky.

Definitely advantage me.

-------

Rabboisai, I share this episode with you because, in retrospect, I am not proud of it. This exchange, this competition, if you will, is focused on Mitzvois Bain Adam LaMakoim. It is focused on service to the Divine, with little or no consideration for our fellow man. Would that we equally value Mitzvois Bain Adam LeChaveiroi, valuing considerations of other human beings.

I am reminded of a famous Maiseh Shehoya about the Kutzker Rebbe. As is well known, the Kutzker stressed poverty and humility amongst his Chassidim, so that worldly concerns would not serve as a distraction. Many of his Chassidim were known to walk around in tattered clothing, and some even used cabbage leaves to cover their heads, instead of hats. (Note: This is in fact documented.)

At the end of his active life as a Rebbe, the Kutzker had his famous episode, where at the Shabbos Table he splattered his wine, extinguishing the Shabbos candles, and declared to all in attendance, “Lessssss Din V’Lessssss Dayan”, a famous expression from the Aggadah meaning “There is no Law, and there is no Judge”.

That night, the Reboinoisheloilum came to him in a dream. “Menachem Mendel”, Hakadoshboruchhu asked, “What are you doing? You are fucking with my shit!”

The Kutzker panicked. “Amishteh”, he replied, “Sorry about the whole Shabbos candles and existential crisis thing. I had a bad day. The Lulav isn’t quite standing up the way it used to, if you know what I mean.”

The Reboinoisheloilum responded. “Menachem Mendel, I do not care about the Shabbos candles. And your blasphemous statement did not bother me. Do I look like a judge to you, for Mysakes?”

“However”, continued Hakadoshboruchhu, “when you stress humility to your Chassidim and make them live like they are paupers, you are not teaching them values, you are creating a cycle of poverty, since they cannot support themselves and their family, and making them look like total Schmucks. Remember, Menachem Mendel, ‘Humility’ is NOT the same as ‘Humiliation’. And if you cannot tell the difference, then you probably ought to retire and play golf.”

In the morning, the Kutzker decided to follow the Aimishteh’s advice, and committed to becoming a recluse for the last twenty years of his life. The only regular appearances that the Kutzker would make was at the Oorah Annual Chinese Auction, where every year he would bid on a new Lexis, but would never win. However, he would always go home with a consolation prize: a new head of cabbage, which would address his head-covering needs for the entire year.

Ah Gutten Shabbos, You Minuval


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Rabbi Pinky Schmeckelstein
Rosheshiva
Yeshivas Chipass Emmess