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THE COLLECTED WRITINGS OF RABBI PINKY SCHMECKELSTEIN
NEW -- Ask Rabbi Pinky: A Gevaldickah Business Idea
I was sitting in Bais Medrish learning a beautiful Toisfois the other day when I received a “ding” on my Koisher smartphone – AKA my “not-so-smartphone” – informing me that I had received a new e-mail. I was excited, of course, because I thought that I had received a new Drasha from Aish, or from Gush, or from Chabad, or from Yeshiva University, or from Toirah.Com – those anti-Semites, or Yeshivassss Choivevei Toirah, those self-hating Jews, or from JOFA, those Shiksas. But no – it was a deep and insightful Shailah and business proposal from an anonymous Talmud named “The Emesah Menuval”.
I share the Shailah here with you, as well as my response, because I believe that every day provides new opportunities to learn Toiras Moishe Rabbeinu. Every moment!
You can be getting in an elevator and BAM!, the closing of the doors inspires a Chiddush. Or you can be getting into the same elevator and notice some Machsheifah with a tattoo, and just before you look away in disgust, you notice that the woman has the Shaym HaMefoirush tattooed over one large bosom, and the Yin/ Yang symbol tattooed over her other large Bosom, and you realize that her tattoos are a declaration that Hakadoshboruchhu keeps the Oilum in balance, either by feeding us and nurturing us and providing for our every need, or by flashing someone’s abundant Tzitz in front of us, thereby distracting us from getting into a fist fight over who will make a worse president, Hillary Clinton or Donald Trump, and instead driving us to find the nearest Bais HaKeesay to…. ummm.... Wrestle With The Rabbi, if you know what I mean….
Reb Pinky, Shlita
I am in the process of developing a new service for acheinu klal yisrael and your assistance on two matters. My first request is to ask you to head up the rabbinical bored to address regular halachic questions that will come up while providing our service. My second request is to ask your permission to use your name, see below. Yes your chashuva name has true marketing value.
Recently there was a news story about the first successful penis transplant. In addition, with all the gender confusion issues society is experiencing there appears to be a new market of donors and recipients. So we are planning on starting a new type of shadchan service for that very special makom mitzvah. As a side note this might be a real solution to the shidduch crisis. When the the bais yankiff principals and kallah teachers find out how many bochurim received an African dip stick they will lobby the rabbonim to remove the cheirem rebbanu gershom just so that each Jewish maidel should have the experience.
We're considering the name of the business to be "Sim na yirecheich tachas yireichi". And so here are my shailos for you. Can someone do a proper chalipin with this makom mitzvah? if a person receives a putz that doesn't have a bris, is he required to have a bris performed on this heiligah cheftza? and if a bris needs to be performed does it have to be done before or after the hardware is attached? in short is this a din in the cheftza or the gavra? and if someone receives a real generous cheftza do we now have a new definition of a gavra rabbah?
As you can see from the listing of questions above you will be kept very busy as part of the rabbinical bored. If the business grows I would offer you an option to join the bored of excuses.
Our product line is expected to include:
the deluxe Richard
the long john
the African dip stick
the Oscar Meyer (best for metzitzah b'peh) is a bracha required by the kurva?
the Veiner Shnitzel (best for metzitzah b'peh) is a bracha required by the kurva?
(we expect the product line to grow)
and for those women who don't want to feel anything perhaps we can offer the Pinky Schmeckel. Please confirm if you will grant us permission to use your name.
We are also accepting investors.
The Emesah Menuval
Dear Emesah Menuval,
Thank you for your wonderful letter and for including me in your business planning. Yes, indeed, modern science and modern medicine have enriched the lives of many. Of course, I do not believe in such Bubba Maises. I am tired of people trying to tell me that the earth is round and that the earth revolves around the sun. After all, the Gemarrah tells us otherwise, and WOULD YOU QUESTION THE ACCURACY OF THE GEMARRAH, YOU MECHUTZIFF?!?!
So an Erlichah Yid does not believe in modern science or modern medicine… unless of course he needs a kidney transplant, in which case he deserves to be raised to the top of the kidney recipient list, or is able to purchase a kidney harvested from a Kidney Farm, AKA a Gentile.
As I have written elsewhere – in http://rabbi-pinky.blogspot.com/2016/06/on-modesty.html -- it is becoming customary for Jewish Men to follow the lead of Jewish Women: Just as a woman out of modesty covers her Ervadickah hair with a Sheytel that is often more attractive than her real hair, so too men have started to wear artificial Schmeklach outside of their pants to preserve a man’s Tzniuskeit as well. And as a woman typically has several Sheytlach for different occasions, so too a man should have multiple SheytSchvantzes™.
Bameh Devarim Amurim? – When were these words said? When discussing the issue of modesty, and related specifically to an artificial supplement rather than a replacement.
However, your new business idea does not relate to modesty per se, but to a medical transplant, a replacement. Have you indeed sunk so low that you would suggest replacing that which the Aimishteh gave you with the Eiver of another? Sure, you would take a kidney, or a heart, or Eppis a piece of liver, if it will save your life. But an Eiver? Is such a thing permitted?
Well, as you know, CHAZAL knew EVERYTHING and anticipated such a situation. Reb Saadia Goyn wrote in his Sefer HaHakkarah that “On a man’s wedding night, a Chosson must introduce his Eiver to his new Kallah, whether it is a massive Babylonian Shoifar or a teeny-weeny-tiny Ashkenazic Dreidel. But if the Chosson is embarrassed by his Eiver, he may use a substitute.”
The Mechaber of the Shulkhan Arukh and the RAMAH have different interpretations of what Reb Saadia meant. According to the Mechaber, the term “a substitute” actually refers to a man’s Chavrusa, as in “Hey, Ploiny Almoiny, I am getting married tonight, but my Schvantzyl may not be up to snuff, so can you please ‘recite a Toisfois or two’ on my behalf?”
However, the RAMAH argues brusquely against this interpretation, referring to Reb Yoisaiph Caro as a “silly Sephardi sex maniac”, noting that such an action would be a Dioraisah of Eishas Ish and would cause the Chavrusa and the new bride to be Chayuv Misah, while entitling the young husband to a full dowry and inheritance from the bride’s family. Rather, the RAMAH suggests that the term “a substitute” refers to “an artificial alternative that supplements a man’s natural Bris Milah, enabling a Chosson to quickly bring pleasure to his Kallah so that he can get back to the Bais Medrish and learn Mussar for twenty hours a day”.
Of course, it is not clear what the RAMAH’s term “artificial alternative” means.
According to the Schvantz Mordechai, this refers to “an inanimate object” that complements a man’s natural Makoim HaMilah, referred to in Yiddish as a “Tdilldoy”.
However, according to the Tzitz Eliezer, an expert in Halachic medical questions, the term “an artificial alternative” can refer to “any form of supplement or replacement, even an organic replacement, as long as the alternative comes from a non-Pagan, which eliminates Hindus, Celtics, Wiccans, and Lubavitchers.” Unquote.
So, my beloved Talmid, the issue is Nisht Azoy Pashut, it is not so simple. It is not clear that penile replacement is Halachically acceptable. However, for those who feel strongly about it, Yaish Al Ma Lismoich – there is a credible Rabbinic to rely upon.
With regard to your offer that “for those women who don't want to feel anything perhaps we can offer the Pinky Schmeckel”, I take personal offense to that suggestion. My Bashert, Feigeh Breineh, has never complained even once about my equipment. Well… perhaps she has tried, but it is really difficult to make out what she is saying when she has her leather S&M mask on. So Shtikah K’Hoida’ah.
Ah Gutten Shabbos, You Menuval.
Rabbi Pinky Schmeckelstein
Yeshivas Chipass Emmess