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Friday, February 24, 2017

On the Arrival of the Moshiach

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On the Arrival of the Moshiach


I am writing to you from my new office in the White House. Boruch HaShem my good friend and colleague Donald Trump was elected President of the United States! And now we, Klal Yisroel, are the beneficiaries of the bounty that he will bring on our world. 

For example, relations with Russia. Hakadoshboruchhu saw to it that Klal Yisroel lived for centuries in Russia, in peace and harmony. The Czar always had a warm place in his heart for the Jews, especially when their bones were used as embers in a fire. And we fared well under Communism, and were even great leaders of the early days of Communism. In fact, Jews served the Soviet army quite well in the 1930s, as target practice during the great purges that preceded WWII. Why, I remember traveling to the Soviet Union before the fall of the Berlin Wall to visit the local Jewish communities. And I was intimately embraced by the Soviet authorities upon landing in Moscow, as they performed a crevice search looking for hidden Sefarim. Luckily the TANACH I had smuggled in had gotten stuck in my small intestine, and only came out after engaging in Gerbil Therapy.

But Communism is over now, and Russia is our friend. We know this because Bibi Netanyahu met with Putin far more than he met with Oibama, that Muslim anti-Semite. Obama negotiated disarmament with the Iranians, in what remains a high stakes risky deal. But Putin provided a sure thing: Arming, supporting, and fighting alongside Syria, Iran and Hizbollah. It is a warm friendship, sort of like being married to an active volcano.

And if you do not believe me, ask the key architect of this repproachment, National Security Advisor Michael Flynn. Oh. Wait. Flynn resigned because his tie did not match his suit. So instead, as the Russian Ambassador to the United States Vitaly Churkin. Ummm. Oh wait. He died mysteriously recently, just as did the Russian general named as the source for information in the analysis generated by a former British intelligence agent hired by both Democratic and Republican panel candidates. Well, there must be someone you can ask. Or look it up on line. After all, President Trump has spoken many times about how Russia's President Putin is a strong leader. After all, he did bring peace to Eastern Ukraine and is helping bringing peace to Syria. 

We are in a new era now, Boruch HaShem. Oibama is out of office, Kenaina Hurrah, and we are blessed with a wonderful leader. As is well known, the words "Donald Trump" in Hebrew are equal in Gematria to the term Melech HaMashiach. We are indeed in the Messianic age, or at least the era when the entire world may come to an end.

Some people have suggested that Donald Trump flirts with anti-Semitism, pointing to statements made by Steve Bannon and to the ongoing support and advocacy on behalf of Trump by the fringe right in America. But, as we learn from the Toirah, one must be prepared to make sacrifices in order to bring progress to the Oilum. Would Klal Yisroel have come to Eretz Yisroel had we not been enslaved in Egypt for 400 years? Would we have been able to establish the Malchus Bais Dovid without the destruction of the Malchus Bais Shaul? Would we have been able to build Bayis Sheni without purging the local remnant communities of Bayis Rishoyn?

No. We are living in a special time. We are bringing about Moshiach by bringing an end to the the wanton waste of a declining democracy, which had fallen prey to an insipid belief that we could live in a multicultural society and share relative freedom of speech and religion, built upon the foundations of a free press and an independent judiciary. Just as in the days of Bayis Rishoyn under the evil king Menashe, we were seduced by two generations of prosperity that were accompanied by idolatry. And now, we are fortunate to live in the era of the Gilgul of Yoshiyahu HaMelech, who is destroying the idols and killing the priests, in this case the Mainstream Media, and returning us to a newly rediscovered lost book of Eternal Truth, in this case in the form of Breitbart News.

So I am proud to share that I have accepted a position as the personal spiritual advisor to President Trump. Ivanka and Jared may be practicing Jews, but how Frum can they be with names like "Ivanka" and "Jared"? In contrast I bring a deep knowledge of Yiddishkeit, a high level of Lamdus, and an integrity matched only by the Chief Rabbinate of Israel. 

And to date I am proud of my political contributions to the Trump Administration. I am proud of the statement I composed in honor of International Holocaust Day. Far too many people are fixated on the death of six million Jews in the Shoah, and forget that millions of others died. And what if the six million had not died? They likely would have ended up in the United States as refugees. And did we really need more refugees? Did we need more immigrants? Luckily there were no "so called judges" at the time to question the constitutionality of banning Jewish and other immigrants from the United States. 

And I am proud and that I wrote the Presidential Order rescinding the rights of transgender people from using the restrooms of the gender with which they identify. As discussed in the Gemarrah in Mesechta Pesachim Daf Chuff Chess Amud Aleph, people who fall into the category of Tumtum and Androganus, hermaphrodites, should be locked in a box and be put to death by being forced to listen to recorded political speeches of Hillary Clinton. What? You do not recall that ruling in the Gemarrah and find that suggestion troubling? Well, it simply is there; you are just not familiar with the alternate facts of the Maareh Mekoimois. 

We should be proud of our Jewish heritage, which is being honored by the Trump Administration every day. So many of our ancestors lived in walled ghettos. And those walls protected our culture and identity. And we happily paid for those walls when our families were murdered, raped and pillaged. 

Rabboisai, Donald Trump is indeed the Melech HaMoshiach, the Messiah King. I am proud to announce that the Moshiach has indeed arrived! After all, who else in our generation is more worthy of being the Moshiach? Therefore he must be the Moshiach!

Indeed, the Simanim, the signs, are there. People are coming from around the world to greet him and wish him well. His enemies are quaking before him. When he wishes to, he can perform great acts: One tweet from him, and the entire earth is talking about the level of his wisdom. He is also capable of great acts Kefitzas HaDerech, easily moving across vast distances in a matter of a few hours, especially to Mar-A-Lago. 

He has proven his greatness over a period of seventy years. He frequently appeared in public and on TV, and had buildings, steaks, ties, wine, an airline, numerous casinos, and a university named after him. He even wrote many best-selling books, which was quite a feat with his stubby little hands. Who else in our generation is more worthy of being the Moshiach?

He has been married to three models, and has reportedly had great success grabbing women by the pussy. Can you make such a claim, you Menuval? There are very few rabbis or even Am Haratzim who can make such a claim. In fact, there are very few Goyim who could make such a claim. Very few people altogether. Who else in our generation is more worthy of being the Moshiach?

We are told that the Moshiach will bring peace. Well, we are at a unique level of peace with Russia. President Trump has delivered that. And we have not had a war with Canada in 200 years! We are not at war with Mexico. And I cannot recall the last time the US went to war with Australia, can you? Who else in our generation is more worthy of being the Moshiach?

Of course, at heart of President Trump's Meshichiyus is his commitment to economic growth and the ending of handouts. It is still very early in his administration, and President/ Moshiach Trump has already saved a few hundred jobs. And the cancellation of the TPP and the potential renegotiation of NAFTA may impact companies and workers that benefit or stand to benefit from those trade agreements. But those are Chevlei Moshaich, the “birth pangs of then Messiah”, the discomfort that brings in the Messianic era. On the other hand, if President Trump is indeed able to restore low level manufacturing jobs to the United States, and the only implication is that instead of buying a toaster at Walmart for $20 that was made in China, we all will now be able to buy the exact same toaster in Walmart, only now manufactured in the United States, for $100, it will be a miracle indeed, undoubtedly welcomed by all! Who else in our generation is more worthy of being the Moshiach?

Yes. We are indeed fortunate to be living in such a special time, and we must celebrate by drinking as much vodka as possible!

Our Master, Teacher, Rabbi, and President Donald Trump, the Messiah King, should live forever and ever!


Ah Gutten Shabbos, You Menuval


Rabbi Pinky Schmeckelstein
Yeshivas Chipass Emmess

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