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Friday, March 31, 2017

On Cleaning Up America

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On Cleaning Up America


Greetings from my office in the White House, where I have been appointed by President Trump as the Special Advisor to the President on Unleavened Affairs.

Since taking on the prestigious responsibility, I have appointed a team to search the White House and all members of the Executive Branch to search for small pieces of bread, cookie crumbs, and any possible leaks about our non-discussions with Russia throughout the election campaign and during the transition. And I am delighted to announce that to date, no crumbs appear to exist.

People have suggested that the Trump Administration is off to a bad start, with the Russia scandal in the air, the healthcare reform bill being DOA, and "Twitter" becoming a dirty word. But what do I say? I quote Moishe Rabbeinu when he said, "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone!"

Wait, that wasn't Moishe - That was Yushka! Nevermind.

And so, I sit here in my office in the White House leading efforts to look for Chometz. Thankfully, due to the fiscal prudence of the new president, we had no headcount budgeted for my staff. However, we were able to borrow from the budget for "grounds keeping" at the White House, and have diverted the Mexican grounds keepers to come inside and search for bits of tortilla, burrito, and enchiladas, and next week I will sell them my Chometz. Then when Pesach is over I will buy back my Chometz and then expel the Mexican grounds keepers from the country.

Never mind that they are third generation American citizens - I cannot be bothered with such minor details. 

Of course, we have a big week coming up, with a vote in the Senate on the Supreme Court nominee. As the Toirah tells us, "Tzedek Tzedek Tirdoiph" - "Justice justice you shall pursue". RASHI asks, "Why does it say 'you shall pursue' instead of 'you shall find’?" And he answers that the Toirah is trying to tell us that we only need to "appear" to pursue justice, just to deal with public pressure. But, like Klal Yisroel in the desert, if you run in circles long enough, you can turn a quest that should only last a couple of weeks into forty years of aimless wandering. 

In the case of the Supreme Court nominee, this means that the Democrats will reject the highly qualified Republican nominee, after the Republicans last year stonewalled the highly qualified Democratic nominee. And at this pace there will be no more Supreme Court justices, as the eight sitting justices die out and the Senate cannot agree on replacements. And then we will no longer have to deal with "activist judges" or that messy "checks and balances" thing anymore. Shoyn.

Rabboisai, all too often in Shul and in the Bais Medrish I hear people being critical of the President of the United States. "He is a liar"; "He colluded with the Russians"; "He has a temperament unfit for the presidency"; "He has no idea what he is doing". And my response? Of course, I look to the best source of contemporary political commentary and insight in the world -- The Toirah given to Moishe Rabbeinu on Har Sinai 3,400 years ago. And what does the Toirah tell us?

As we all know the Toirah has three different types of commandment - Eidois, Mishpatim, and Choooookim.  

Eidois are Mitzvois, often Bain Adam LaMakoim, that have rational explanations in the Toirah, such as Shabboskoidesh. "Kee Sheyshes Yumim Usuh Hashem Yisborach Ess HaShamayim V'Ess HaAretz, OoBaYoim HaShviyi Shuhvass VaYinafash", "Because the Reboinoisheloilum created the heavens and the earth in six days, but on the seventh day He rested and chilled out".

Mishpatim are laws where the Toirah does not necessarily give an explanation, but the explanation can be logically derived. These are often laws that are Bain Adam KaChaveiro or between man in his environment. For example, when the Toirah tells us not to "covet" the property of others - We do not need Hakadoshboruchhu to explain this commandment. It is obvious: We need to worry about the tax implications of coveting, especially the tax code changes in the Administration under the Muslim, Communist, Fascist, Fanatical Christian Jeremiah Wright Loving Regime of Barack HUSSEIN Oibama.

And finally we have Chooookim, Mitzvois that have no clear explanation. Shiluach HaKan, sending a mother bird away from the nest before stealing her babies to eat for breakfast, is commanded, with a reward of "Arichas Yumim", "long life". Why is this Mitzvah equal in reward to the most difficult law of all, Kibood Av V'Aym. Why? What kind of stupid question is that, you Mechutziff!!!! It's a freaking Choyk!!!!

One of the most famous Chooookim is the famous Parah Adooooomah, the so-called Red Heffer. The Red Heffer is required for the ritual sacrifice that generates the ashes used to remove Toomasss Mayssss. What is a Red Heffer? It is a calf that is purely red - even two black hairs disqualify it. 

When we look as President of the United Stated Donald J. Trump, SHLITA, we are in fact looking at the Parah Adooooomah, the Red Heffer, who is designed to bring about the purification of America. He has a swash of red/ orange hair, or at least used to. And he clearly announced his role as our purifying agent in his campaign theme of "Make America Great Again". Purification.

Now, you may ask, "How can an irrational, random, "alternative facts" spreading, twitter typing, "pussy grabbing", story manufacturing, race baiting narcissist bring about the purification of America? It makes no sense!" And to that, I would answer you very simply - It is simply the same as a Parah Adoooooooomah: How can a red baby cow, burnt until it is a box of ashes, be able to purify someone who is impure from Toomasss Mayssss by simply being sprinkled with its ashes?

Well - You Apikoiress, it is a freaking Choyk!!! By definition, it is not supposed to make any sense, you Minuval!!

So even though you may not understand it, you as a member of Klal Yisroel are COMMANDED to have faith in President Trump SHLITA. I personally assure you: He will clean up this country from waste and corruption and legacy healthcare systems, and a convoluted, archaic tax code, and weakness in the face of our enemies the same way that I and my team will completely clean the White House from all of its Chometz!

I guarantee it. Or my name is not Pinky Schmeckelstein.

Ah Gutten Shabbos, you Menuval.


Rabbi Pinky Schmeckelstein
Yeshivas Chipass Emmess

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