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Thursday, April 13, 2017

Pesach at the White House

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Pesach at the White House


Greetings from my office in the White House, where I served as "Special Advisor to the President on Unleavened Affairs" leading up to Pesach. I am proud to announce that my title changed after Bedikah at the White House on Sunday night to "Special Advisor to the President on Bedikah Affairs". 

Prior to Passover, this involved inspection for Chometz. But for eleven months of the year I will be inspecting "women bleeding from their wherever". The good news: I have been able to find a vendor who can produce Bedikah cloths with the picture of the White House emblazoned on them. (Thank you cousin Mendy!!!) Which just goes to show that when President Trump talked about "grabbing women by the pussy", he was actually speaking in support of a Mitzvah Dioraisah. What a Tzaddick!!

It has been quite a wonderful start to Pesach. I had the pleasure of leading the annual White House Seder. Jared recited the Kiddush. Ivanka hid the Afikoman. And President Trump Tweeted the Four Questions. 

The tradition of holding a White House Seder was actually established by that anti Semitic Jeremiah Wright loving Islamic fundamentalist Former President Barack HUSSEIN Oibama. His Seder used the ubiquitous Maxwell House Haggadah that many of us grew up with. But President Trump has evolved the tradition. Donald Trump's initial instinct was to use the official Starbucks Haggadah; unfortunately, there is none. However, Starbucks would be happy to sell you a vanilla soy iced frappicino with an extra shot for $30 dollars. Which may sound expensive.... unless you have ever ordered a cup of coffee in Trump Tower.

Steve Bannon suggested an alternate Haggadah - the Der Sturmer Haggadah. In it, Klal Yisroel are easily distinguished from the other nations because of their hooked noses, their money bags, and their portrayal as rodents. And the Egyptians are recognizable by their blond hair, blue eyes, and muscular features. But we decided against the Der Sturmer Haggadah because the liturgy was edited to read "Shfoich Chamuscha Al HaYehudim...". So that was out.

So we finally settled on creating our own Trump Administration Haggadah. In it, Jared is portrayed as the Chacham, the Wise Son, Steve Bannon is portrayed at the Rasha, or the Wicked Son, Betsy DeVos is portrayed as the Tam, or Simple Son, and Sean Spicer is portrayed as the She'Einoi Yoidayah Lishoil, the Son Who Is Incapable of Asking Questions. According to a commentary by RASHI, this son refers either to a very young child, or to a complete fucking moron.

Indeed, many of us found out on the Second Day of Yuntif in the newspaper or after Yuntif about Sean Spicer's declaration in comparing Bashir Assad to Adolf Hitler, that, "Someone as despicable as Hitler … didn’t even sink to using chemical weapons." This is of course 100% accurate on multiple dimensions: 1) Hitler indeed did not use chemical weapons in combat, likely owing to his trauma from trench warfare during WWI; 2) From the Nazi perspective, Jews, Gypsies, Poles, Russian Soldiers, Communists and the countless others murdered with Zyklon B gas were sub-humans, so were not in anyway comparable to Syrian civilians; and 3) Zyklon B, used to kill millions, is not a chemical weapon; it is an insecticide. So of course Sean Spicer was 100% accurate!!!

Of course, Sean Spicer did backtrack and apologize for his statements, noting that "Hitler did not kill his own citizens", a position which I am sure is reassuring to all descendants of  German Jews killed throughout the War, including in Auschwitz in 1943 and 1944. And, of course, Sean Spicer noted that chemical weapons were only used by Hitler in "Holocaust Centers". That was of course very considerate of Hitler! 

Indeed, in the middle of Jerusalem, there is a "Holocaust Center"; I took my family there during my last visit, and registered some family names that did not appear in their archives. In Washington, there is another "Holocaust Center", which people come from all over the country to visit. Kenayna Harrah. There is even a "Holocaust Center" in downtown New York. (True story: I once went to a Bat Mitzvah there; my Basherte Feigeh Breinah and I were seated at the "Auschwitz" table, but my kids were sent to "Dachau".) And there are a few other "Holocaust Centers" scattered throughout the world.

Hitler of course had a far more progressive ideology when it came to "Holocaust Centers". He had a handful in Germany, but most in Poland and today's Belarus. They did not all have pools or health clubs, but they almost all had showers. Many had different activities - some had Pilates, some had hard labor. And all were very effective at helping inmates... errr... members lose weight. A lot of weight. And some of the "Holocaust Centers" even had free bussing!!

So it is an exciting first Pesach at the Trump White House. We are already planning for the first Shavuois. President Trump will be giving Shiur on The Art Of The Deal, Steve Bannon will be giving Shiur on Breitbart News, and Sean Spicer will be giving Shiur on Mein Kampf.

Ah Gutten Moed, You Menuval.


Rabbi Pinky Schmeckelstein
Yeshivas Chipass Emmess

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