NEW: The Peoples Democratic Republic of Yidden

To subscribe, send an e-mail to NPOJ8@YAHOO.COM with the word "Subscribe"

====================================================

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/pages/Rabbi-Pinky-Schmeckelstein/621655891273622

====================================================

THE COLLECTED WRITINGS OF RABBI PINKY SCHMECKELSTEIN

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Rabbi_Pinky
====================================================

NEW: The Peoples Democratic Republic of Yidden

Rabboisai,

While I was away on my four-month hiatus... I received several notes of concern. Several. Only several. 

What the Tashmish HaMitah is wrong with you people? I prepare Toirah for you, day in and day out, בשבתכי בבתי ובלכתכי בדרכי, בשכבכי, ובקומי... And all I get are “several”? You Menuvals!!

You should all be ashamed of yourselves. You call yourselves Talmidim? Did you at least recite Tehillim to Hakadoishboruchhu for me? Or give money to Tzedakah in my Zchooossss? Or travel to Eretz Yisrael and place a little Kepitl into the Koisel, asking for a Bracha from the Reboinoisheloilum on my behalf? Or travel to Uman and make a LeChaim while chanting to the Aimishteh at the Kever of Rebbe Nachman? Or travel to Mecca to offer an animal sacrifice to Allah? Or visit the Vatican to light a candle and pray to Yushka? Or travel to India to light incense and chant in praise of Lord Shiva. Or travel to Woodstock and smoke some Besamim LeShame Shamayim while listening to some serious Rock? Or travel to Washington DC to tell President Trump that he is the BEST PRESIDENT EVER!

How could you know that I was off on the adventure of a lifetime. Traveling. At times undercover. At times appearing as the Erlichah Yid I am as I write this Drasha, and at other times appearing as a secularist with humanistic sensibilities combined with a strong Jewish identity that recognizes the critical importance of national and “tribal” self-determination, potato kugel, and having a clean towel at the Mikvah.

Ich Vais.

It started in Labor Day, early September. I received a call.

“Hello”.

“Mr. Schmeckelstein!”

“That is Rabbi Schmeckelstein to you!”

“Okay. Mr. Schmeckelstein, How would you like to do something special for your people?”

“Sir, I do not know who you are, but I have already given lot of Tzedakah this year. (At this point I jingled a handful of change in front of the phone.) How would YOU like to do something special for YOUR people?”

“No, Mr. Schmeckelstein, we are not asking for money. We would Iike to discuss you joining an organization that does very important work for the nation, where activities are strategic, and where your actions can make a significant contribution to the national future.”

“Listen, I am not into the whole Chabad Tanya thing. My liver cannot handle all the vodka. And that whole ‘wearing the Rebbe’s shirt under the Chupah’ thing is a little too pagan for my taste. But I am happy to make a donation to the Moshiach fund, to help pay for a full page ad in the New York Times. That will certainly bring about the redemption, because I know that I would change my entire lifestyle and religious beliefs after seeing an ad in the paper. It happens to me at least three times a week!”

“No, not that nation. Your other nation.”

“You mean the US government? I already contribute to the US economy by stealing less federal education funding that most other Yeshivas. I deserve a reward!”

“No. No. Not that nation.”

“Do you mean the State of Israel? Hey - I am a Jew, but not a citizen of Israel. I think it is terrible that the Zionist Toirah Haters are trying to force Erlicheh Yeshiva boys to abandon their rigorous Talmudic studies in order to sit lazily on the borders of Lebanon and Gaza and be Mevatel Toirah all day. In fact, all female soldiers - secular and religious - should leave the army immediately and join seminaries. And all the men should abandon their units and study Toirah Yoimum V’Layla. Israel needs an army of Toirah scholars, not an army of soldiers. Did Klal Yisrael have soldiers in Eastern Europe? Of course not! And that brought our people centuries of the most profound Toirah scholarship! Gosh I miss those days...”

“Mr. Schmeckelstein, That is closer to what I was discussing. Although it is not for the State of Israel. On the contrary. Our institution is committed to religious study for many years, later followed by military service. We believe that people cannot serve as soldiers for a great cause unless they have a solid spiritual foundation. So they must study for months, if not years. But they must also go through military training and activity on the ground to reinforce that training.”

“Makes sense. I am in.”

“Great! We will send you plane tickets in the mail. We will have a member of the leadership of the Army of God pick you up at the airport!!”

“I already told you. I am not into Lubavitch. I do not need a Tzivas Hashem guy to pick me up in Ben Gurion Airport in Tel Aviv!!”

“Who said anything about Tel Aviv? You will receive your tickets in the mail to Beirut International Airport, and a member of Hezbollah will be there to pick you up!!”

Shoyn.

Rabboisai - Maybe the Hezbollah and the Mullah’s in Iran are on to something... Maybe the Jewish answer to our cultural clash between tradition and modernity should be the intentional meshing of both. 

And so, I would like to officially announce the new mandate of Yeshivas Chipass Emess. Once and for all, we are going to bring about the world as it should be.

I will be officially relocating my Yeshiva from Brooklyn, in Eretz HaKoidesh, to a new homeland in Eretz HaCana’anim. My new Yeshiva will be located in the Jewish Quarter… Which is wherever I lay my Shtreimel! It is from there that we shall announce the establishment of a new Jewish entity - to be called “The Peoples Democratic Republic of Yidden” or the “PDRY” or, simply, “Memsheless Yidden”. 

As Rosheshiva of Yeshivas Chipass Emess, I will be the Supreme Religious Leader of Memsheless Yidden. I will also serve as its new Supreme Political Leader.

What will we stand for in Memsheless Yidden? Well- of course! Ruling a modern state requires Rules of the Community:

First off - We will be for law and order!! The Toirah tells us to keep Shabboskoidesh, and by Reboinoisheloilum we will keep Shabboskoidesh! And if someone is Mechallel Shabbos... Law and Order! Skilah for a DeOiraisa. Makkois for a DeRabbanan. Lots of Makkois!!

And when someone is guilty of Kurais... a punishment from Shamayim... let’s just say that we will “help” the sinner get to Shamayim a bit early... I am the Supreme Religious Leader, after all.

Second - We will be for security! As we all know - “Yisrael Betach BaShem” - We are secure because of our relationship to the Reboinoisheloilum. And how do we ensure that security? Through learning Toirah and performing Mitzvois. So... in Memsheless Yidden, all men will learn Toirah every single day! It will be the first Koilel Nation (TM).

What will the women do? Why - they will be mothers. And they will teach. And they will be accountants. And work on computers. And do medical billing. And one can be a judge, maybe. And they will also work in medical care... as Mikvah ladies. And they will cook and clean and perform every labor needed to keep their men learning in Koilel, just the way Hakadoishboruchhu likes them to.

Third - Our homeland stands for modesty. Modesty in thought and modesty in deed. People must be modest and realize that they are just temporary guests on the Aimisheh’s planet. Consequently... they must subjugate their will to... mine. They must commit allegiance to me... by promising to perform my every will, even when they are sick in bed with the flu, stoned, and watching old episodes of Spongebob. Even then they must be willing to get up and fetch me groceries.

Fourth - We believe in family. People must marry young. And have lots of babies. Lots of them. And single people? They are the embodiment of the Yetzer Harrah, only with two arms, two legs, and an Erva. They are dangerous, and must be married off immediately upon reaching puberty, or three years of age, whichever comes first.

Now, what happens if someone wants to leave Memsheless Yidden? Well, they can go. But they cannot take the children. The children belong to Klal Yisrael - which is now embodied in our Heiligeh community. And if someone tries to take our children away? Well... we will get them back. We have our ways...

Fifth – We are all about education! Especially diverse and well rounded education. None of this “All Gemarrah all the time” education. No! We also believe in studying Mishnah and Toseftah. We also like to balance the curriculum with practical subjects, such as how to recognize clothing with Shatnez and how to maximize government benefits. And we also have an athletic program, where students get to practice throwing rocks at cars.

Sixth – In the spirit of Kibuv Av, we believe in respect for elders, all elders. So if any of our adults are accused of anything, say… such as sexual abuse… we will make sure that the accused is defended by the best lawyers, and will pronounce his innocence to the world. And is he still is sentenced to jail, we will host a Kiddush in his honor before he heads off to jail.

So, you may ask, what is the difference between Memsheless Yidden and Eretz HaKoidesh in Brooklyn and Monsey and KJ, and that place up in Canada, you know, that place where the Chassidim speak Yiddish with a French Canadian accent? Or between The Peoples Democratic Republic of Yidden and Eretz Yisroel?

Some might suggest that our little community in Guatemala is a bit of a cult. However, we are just the same as the Toirah communities in Eretz HaKoidesh and Eretz Yisroel. We share the same values: Enforcement of the Rules of the Community instead of civil laws, men learning all day instead of working, modest behavior subjugated to the will of religious leaders, early marriages, denial of secular education, and a culture of protecting abusers. So you will feel right at home.

So please join me in my new community. And if you are one of the first to call, I will make sure that you get a clean towel every time you go to the Mikvah.

Ah Gutten Shabbos, you Menuval.

---------

Rabbi Pinky Schmeckelstein
Rosheshiva
Yeshivas Chipass Emmess

Reply

Delete