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THE COLLECTED WRITINGS OF RABBI PINKY SCHMECKELSTEIN

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Rabbi_Pinky
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Damn Liberals!

Rabboisai,

Imagine, if you will, that you are Moishe Rabbeinu. Toirah Tzivah Luhnoo Moishe Moireshess Kehilas Yankif,

You climb up to Har Sinai to meet the Reboinoisheloilum Panim El Panim, face to face. You are the cloisest... errr... closest that any human being has ever gotten to Hakadoshboruchu. You receive the Luchois containing the Aseres HaDubrois, the Two Tablets containing the Ten Commandments. You then receive the rest of the Toirah -- Toirah SheBiChsav and Toirah SheBaal Peh -- the Written and the Oral Law, all that was, is and will be. You now know everything there is to know:

·         What is a kosher animal?

·        What should I do if I spill a spoon full of milk into a beef stew - Is it still Koisher, or is it Treif like Chazer-Schmaltz on Yoim Kippur?

·        Will synthesized meat -- created in a lab -- have the status of an animal, and therefore should not be eaten with diary? Or will the synthesized meat have the status of the vegetables, beans and other non-meat products that are its ingredients, and therefore be permissible to be eaten with dairy, as long as it is certified bug free and is served on a plate that has a Hashgacha by a waiter who has been screened for Shatnez?

Moishe has received a revelation of the construct of the world of the Divine. He has achieved perfection.

And then, when he descends from the mountain... Lo and Behold, Klal Yisroel has already strayed from the path of the Aimisheh and is having wild Tashmish HaMitah parties while smoking Besamim and worshipping the Eigel HaZahav, the Golden Calf. Even worse – they are eating Triangle K, Rachmuna Litzlan! And as he comprehends all that he sees, and understands how this all stands in contrast to the path that he was just shown... he slams the Luchois down and shatters the Tablets into a thousand pieces and yells out at Klal Yisroel at the top of his voice, “Reboinoisheloilum-damned Liberals!”

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Rabboisai,

We are living in a world that has been overrun by Liberals, Yemach Shmum! Here we are, at a moment in history that is not unlike Klal Yisroel standing at Har Sinai. It is a moment of perfection:

·         The State of Israel has never been stronger. It has a population of eight million or so, has diplomatic relations with most countries in the world, burgeoning relationships with many others, including Sunni Arab nations, and has even hosted this year’s Eurovision

·         Toirah has never been more embraced in all of history. Between Israel, the United States, and other countries in the world, there are about one million fully Observant Jews in the world - between Ultra Orthodox Chassidic and Yeshivish communities, and modern Orthodox. Consequently, there are more Jews engaged in serious learning in Yeshivas in the different communities than there ever were in history; not even in the glorious, holy villages and communities in Eastern Europe in the 19th and early 20th centuries did Klal Yisroel enjoy such scholarship. And if you include Chabad, The Kabbalah Center, and Jews For Jesus, the number of learned Jews doubles!

·         We have in the White House the BEST president the US has ever had. EVER. Period. That is true across the board, and especially with regard to Israel and Jews! He recognized Jerusalem as Israel’s capitol, put pressure on the Palestinians, cancelled US participation in the Iran deal, recognized Israeli authority in the Golan Heights, closed the PLO office in DC, expelled the de facto Palestinian ambassador, and removed the PA from the State Department’s website.   What more can you want? Add into that tax reform, persecuting... errr... prosecuting immigrants -- illegal and legal, safeguarding the all-important Second Amendment, stacking the Supreme Court with Conservatives who will eventually save every fetus in America - but not ensure that as children and adults they have affordable access to healthcare, trade wars with China, hostile relations with Western Europe and Canada, excellent relationships with the leaders of Russia and North Korea, and the great economy, what more could anyone want? Indeed, I have long said that President Donald J Trump is the Melech HaMoishiach, and, recently, he admitted as much, noting “I am the Chosen One”. With that, he went farther than the Lubavitcher Rebbe in that he actually admitted his cosmic role to the world!

And yet... despite all of this clear, demonstrable evidence, there are still people, still Jews who question President Trump SHLITA’s wisdom and Chosenness. Damned Liberals! Why can’t they admit when they are wrong?

·         Liberals believe that Jews should vote for whomever they believe best serves their and the country’s interests. And yet, those same Liberals will vote for the Democratic Party. Do they seek a return to the days of Oibama or Clinton? Oibama was the founder of Al Quaida, and Clinton only tolerated Jews as long as they let him deposit Zerah on their blue dresses.

·         Liberals believe in global warming -- that human actions are impacting the global environment and causing climate spikes that are contributing to natural disasters. And what makes them believe in Global Warming? Science? I suppose these same Liberals believe the world is more than six thousand years old, that vaccines are good for you, and that cigarettes are bad for you! Go find me a Gemara that agrees with those positions! I guarantee you that no such Gemara exists!

·         Liberals believe that the US should have borders open to all. They point to the US as being a country of immigrants since its founding. But that is not in fact the case! North America was given by the Reboinoisheloilum to all current American citizens! How do you know? Because we run the country! Sure, many of our parents and grandparents came here as immigrants themselves... but that is quite different. Should they have been denied access to the US? That would have been anti-Semitism! However, as long as immigrants are not Jews, it is not anti-Semitism to deny them access to Our Land, especially if they are from Shithole Countries (TM).

Rabboisai, how should we deal with the dangerous phenomenon of Liberals in our midst?

I am reminded of a famous Gemara in Tainis. The Gemara brings down a Medrish where Rish Lakish was in a bar with Rav Pappa, and was regaling Rav Pappa with tales of his days as a roadside thief, a “highway man”. Rish Lakish talked about the time he held up a convoy of wagons and stole all of the passengers’ jewelry, beat up a driver, and exposed himself to a wagon full of women.

“You think you are a tough guy. Is that all you got?” Rav Pappa asked.

“Can you do better, you Mechutziff?” asked Rish Lakish.

Rav Pappa, who is well known in the Gemara as being obese, rubbed his bloated belly as he replied. “Son, I may weigh over 350 pounds, yet I fathered ten sons whose names get recited at every Siyum (Editor’s note: celebration of completing a single or multiple volumes of the Talmud), and every time someone does that, Ketching!, I earn a licensing fee. You risked your life to steal pennies, but people constantly pay me money for reciting my prose, and then thank me for it! So who is the tough guy now?”

Rish Lakish smiled at Rav Pappa and said, “Hey, fatty! I hope you enjoy spending your money as much as I enjoyed Shtupping your wife and impregnating her ten times.”

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Rabboisai, the Liberals are taking what is ours! They want our money! They want our guns! They want to dilute our country with immigrants! They want to kill our fetuses! They want everyone to speak either Spanish or Canadian, but not English! They want to provide healthcare to all!

But you know what? Some of these Liberals have adopted these positions out of sincerity -- LiShma. So we can perhaps overlook their deep failings of being Liberals. Shoyn.

However, there are red lines that no one should ever cross.

To quote President Donald J. Trump SHLITA, Melech HaMashiach, “Any Jewish people that vote for a Democrat—I think it shows either a total lack of knowledge or great disloyalty.” And how should we handle such disloyal Liberals? We personally do not need to do anything. After all, there are “some very fine people on both sides”. And our side has most of the guns.

Ah Gutten Shabbos, You Menuval

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Rabbi Pinky Schmeckelstein
Rosheshiva
Yeshivas Chipass Emmess