THE COLLECTED WRITINGS OF RABBI PINKY SCHMECKELSTEIN
PROVIDING INSIGHTS ON THE PARSHA YOU WON'T FIND ELSEWHERE
Soliciting Toirah Insights on the Oral Law
I would like to solicit your help in gathering Toirah insights on key Halachic shailahs of our day.
It is said that B’Chol Dor VaDor, in every generation, there is one true light of Toirah born. This is an Ilui, a genius, whose contribution to the understanding of the divine wisdom of Yiddishkeit is measured not just in the answers that he provides, but in the deep and complex questions that he raises for the benefit of all Klal Yisroel.
And so it is with our generation. After 65 years of my personal quest to discover this individual, the Ilui has been found. HOWEVER -– and you had better sit down for this one, you minuval – this Ilui is actually a woman, not a man. Shocking, I know. But while the Reboinoisheloilum set aside all the Neshamas destined to add Toirah and intelligence for the males of the species, apparently one slipped through to the assembly line for females (alongside the Neshamas destined to focus on sheyltels, prayer circles, and bedikah cloths). Hey, even He can make a mistake every once in a while…
You may recall several weeks ago an insightful shailah raised by a meideleh named Virginia. Since that time she has revealed her true nistor self (and I have pictures!) as the Ilui of our generation. She has reached out to me with a very detailed set of shailahs that frame a broad understanding of issues related to the application of the Oral Law in the Yiddishe household. Rather than answer the question Al Regel Achas, on one very firm leg, I have decided to reach out to you, my beloved Talmidim, for your thoughts and answers on the shailahs below. Please submit your Toirah in the comments section of my blog, you mamzerim, or I won’t give you recess for a month!
Again I must seek your guidance and sage advice. My husband recently informed me (quite joyfully) of the results of a medical research study concerning a specific behavior. This act, when practiced regularly, apparently reduced the risk of breast cancer in women.
In a nutshell, the study found that women who performed fellatio (Metziza BePeh) once or twice weekly and swallowed, had a 1.9% incidence of breast cancer, as opposed to 10.4% in those who did not.
I read the reference that my bashert gave me very carefully. My husband has generously offered to assist me in this application of "VeNishmartem LeNafshoseichem", the Biblical principle obligating one to do virtually any act to save one's life.
The issues here are many. I will list but a few.
1. If indeed the twice weekly schedule is critical, then when my husband is away, is he supposed to arrange "coverage", or am I expected to improvise? Is it a mitzvah for others to take his place, as needed?
2. Women who breast feed and also have day jobs frequently pump their breasts and store the material for later. With nursing infants, the breast milk is the critical material rather than the breast suckling itself. Should he "pump" in advance of his absence?
3. How about if I substitute "Avodat Yad" (literally - hand work) for lip action?
4. If only the fluid is critical, maybe there is no benefit to me doing the pumping at all? Let him do the work alone.
5. If we could identify the "active ingredient", maybe a pharmaceutical company could just create a supplement that I could take twice a week, and be forever spared further gagging.
6. What's this obsession with us swallowing? If he doesn't like my turnip leek soup, I don't insist that he keep swallowing it! Anyway, post-squirt, what does it matter whether I swallow or spit it out and then promptly rise with Listerine! Several daquiris or margaritas beforehand would also help. Mary Poppins had a good point with her "Just a spoon full of sugar helps the medicine go down."
7. The Torah teaches us that an adulteress (Sotah) was given "bitter water" by the Kohen (priest) to prove her innocence or guilt. Now I have no idea how much experience you and your talmidim have in this area, but let me assure you that it would be extremely difficult to find a more bitter and less palatable drink. Maybe the descendants of Aaron knew a secret that has been lost? Maybe the incense (Ktores) and their priestly diet rich in cream of wheat with olive oil actually improved their male flavor?
We must keep in mind that those priests had to deal with the daily hordes of repentant women who threw themselves at the priests in order to jump the line and get their pair of doves grilled or their lamb made into schwarma early, so they could spend the rest of the day at Herrods, Alexander's or getting mud/spa treatments at Ein Gedi or Masada? It was probably some of those same women who were later dragged by jealous husbands to those identical priests. Imagine if those descendants of Aaron decided who got the "spiked" drink based, at least in part" on the individual woman's secret Kohanim score cards, fitness reports and performance evaluations? Those priests might have been the originators of our modern managerial techniques. This view was actually originally expressed by Rabbi Zeyra. (In light of our current topic, I have always wondered how he acquired that name…)
8. What about the kashrut issue? The Torah tells us that we may only eat pure and kosher animals. Male Homo sapiens clearly do not qualify as either. I asked my husband about possibly using sheep or ox fluid. He got very irate, especially after I suggested to him that he go and personally collect the "specimens."
9. I did some research on breast cancer and discovered that 1% of breast cancer victims are male. I showed that data to my husband and suggested to him, that he too must reduce his risk. I offered to do what he asked, if he did the same to some other guy. Is this not a literal example of the biblical principle of: "What's good for the goose is indeed good for the gander?"
10. I am aware of the Torah prohibition barring a man from spilling his seed upon the ground and do my best to prevent this terrible transgression. However, Rebbe, I must ask, does the same prohibition not also apply to walls, sheets, shower stalls, sinks, drains...
11. What Bracha does a woman say before performing this act? A friend of mine has advised the "She'asani Kirtzono" (Literally - that he has created me to suit his purposes.) My husband clearly would need to say the "She'hecheyanu!" (He would be so excited that he would probably sing the complete Hallel too, WITH a Bracha!)
12. If this practice becomes widespread among frum women, then it will be a new experience for most of us, (except those on JDate). Hopefully, no woman would gag and accidently perform a "Bobbit" on the member. (Might that be what the Torah really refers to as "Karet"?) If a man is with an "inexperienced" woman" and is thankfully spared that fate, should he not also say bench “Gomel" (Special prayer of gratitude)?
13. The older women, especially those with removable dentures, might have an easier time with this. As older women are also more health conscious, we might start the stamp-out breast cancer campaign by having the husbands "volunteer" to help save our nursing home population, or be the keynote feature at local Hadassah meetings.
14. Incidentally, if a woman did accidentally perform a Bobbit on her mate, then after calling 911 and letting the paramedics treat him, does she then say the "Boruch She'Patrani?" (Blessed be he who has rid me of the punishment from this one!)
Thank you for considering this subset of the Oral Laws.
So, Rabboisai, as you can see, Virginia is indeed wise beyond compare. It will be a great mitzvah and example of Harbatzas HaToirah for you to contribute to this essential dialogue.