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Thursday, April 07, 2016

On Nixon in a Pantsuit

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On Nixon in a Pantsuit


Let us spend this Shabboskoidesh talking about peace.

According to the Toirah, the world started as a peaceful place. Heaven and earth. Water and dry land. Dinosaurs and human sized frogs and cockroaches the size of Trump Tower.

And then… the Reboinoisheloilum created Man.

But Man was a whiney Minuval. Man complained that he was lonely, so Hakadoshboruchhu decided to create him an "Eizer Kinegdoi", a "help mate". The Toirah tells us that the Aimishteh created every beast in the field and every bird in the sky. And, yet, Adam, Man, observes and "tests" all animals of the land and birds of the sky, but he does not find his "help mate".

Reboinoisheloilum knows, he tried. Adam tried to be Mezaneh with a goat, but it reminded him too much of his third grade rebbe. He tried to make out with a swan, but the swan just bit his lips every time he tried to kiss the bird. Adam tried to make love to a dolphin, but the swimming mammal asphyxiated. Adam tried to be Mezaneh with an elephant, but ended up in traction for 6 weeks. Adam even competed for the love of a Peacock, but he fell short in the demonstration of his feathers, and the female peacock chose his competitor. Shver Tzu Zein Ah Homo Sapien.

And so, in frustration, Adam reached out to the Aibisther and asked another request. "Big Dude, I need something a bit more like me. You know, without feathers or a trunk or a blow hole or webbed feet or a voice that sounds like a Rosheshiva giving a Mussar Schmuz."

And so the Reboinoisheloilum put Adam into a deep sleep. While under anesthesia, Hakadoshboruchhu removed a rib from Adam and created Eve to be Adam's "help mate".

But as Adam learned very quickly, Woman understands the concept of being a "mate", but thinks that the term "help" in "help mate" goes both ways, inferring gender equality. And it is from this point forth that Woman aspires to match Man in all of his achievements, while all the while... let's face it... she was fashioned out of Adam's rib, not from his brain, or his heart, or one of his Shvantzylach. So in the process, Woman realizes that to get ahead in life, she must resort to all sorts of "dirty tricks" to achieve equality.

Hence... Chava, Eve, is taken in by the snake, eats of the forbidden fruit, tricks Adam into eating the same fruit, and then... Bam! We are thrown out of Gan Eden, Paradise, and suddenly have to dedicate serious money to our wardrobes, our mortgages and our cars.

Sarah Imeinu laughs mockingly at the words of Hakadoshboruchhu when He declares that she will become pregnant at the age of ninety, and... Bam! The Reboinoisheloilum complains to Avraham Avinu, files a defamation lawsuit, and destroys Sedom just to let off a little steam.

And let's not forget that Sarah insists that Hagar and Yishmael be cast into the desert. And... Bam! Now we have to take off our shoes every time we go through airport security, Aimishteh-dammit.

It does not end there. Rivka Imainu coaches Yankif Avinu to steal the birthright from Eisav HaRasha from Yitzchak Avinu. Bam! Our ancestry is like a bad episode of Downton Abby. Or, more accurately, Game of Thrones.

The list goes on. Rochel Imainu and Leah Imainu compete for Yankif Avinu's attention, and... Bam! They drive Yankif to sleeping with those Shiksas Bilhah and Zilpah, and blind him to the fact that his sons are racists, delusional, kidnappers, and homicidal maniacs. Basically - the Shvatim become the precursors to the Republican candidates for president.

Miriam HaNeviyah attacks Tzipoirah, Moishe Rabbeinu's wife, because of the dark color of her skin, and is punished by Hakadoshboruchhu with Leprosy (although, according to a Medrish in Beraishis Rabbah cited by Rashi, it was actually Genital Herpes). And according to the RAMBAN, Miriam was actually sent away to cultural sensitivity training, but ended up cutting classes and investing in speculative real estate at an oasis in the Sinai Desert, an investment that ultimately lost money and resulted in years of hearings amongst the Zekainim, the so-called Whitewater Scandal that plagued the entire Moshe Rabbeinu administration and led to the political rise of Yehoishua, who invaded various communities in the Middle East without adequate funding, and oversaw the collapse of Klal Yisroel's economic system, the collapse of Lehman Brothers, and the bailouts of several Shvatim that were deemed "too big to fail".

Which brings us to Hillary Clinton.

Where shall I start?

How should we relate to someone whose sense of entitlement makes her believe that she is immune to the most common sense of propriety and responsibility, such as refusing to use a secure State Department e-mail address for all of her correspondence, inevitably including top secret matters of state?

How should we relate to someone who, when challenged on this poor judgment, proclaims to the world, “I could not be troubled by carrying more than one device?” Does that mean that when she is President of the United States, she will not carry around the “Football”, the briefcase with the nuclear launch codes, because it is “inconvenient”?

How should we relate to someone who is brilliant and accomplished – a graduate of Yale Law School, a corporate lawyer, First Lady, United States Senator, and Secretary of State – yet so flawed that she is struggling to win the nomination against Crazy Uncle Bernie and his silly Communist ideas?

Even if we set aside all of the crazy anti-Clinton conspiracy theories, we cannot but be troubled by Hillary’s use of a private e-mail address for official State department business, Hillary’s coddling of Wall Street – an obvious conflict of interest, Hillary’s use of “female talking heads” to shame women into voting for her in the primaries over Bernie Sanders, and the fact that she has been married for decades to a man with the sexual morality of an alley cat.

In short, how should we vote when the candidate who represents our political “space” inspires distrust and not faith. Instead of President Obama's "Hope" campaign, we have Hillary's "I'm in charge" campaign, super delegates and all. Instead of "Hope" and "Trust", we have Richard Nixon with an Erva, wearing a pantsuit.

But, thankfully, we are Klal Yisroel. We do not need to use our Reboinoisheloilum given brains to make such decisions - we let our rabbis make such decisions for us.

According to Reb Shmiel Kalbasavua, it is an Issur Dioraisa to vote for a woman as President, as a woman can never be the leader of an institution or a nation. This is related to the Inyan of Serara, leadership, discussed by CHAZAL extensively, and in particular by the RAMBAM. The RAMBAM writes in the Mishnah Toirah, Hilchois Melachim, Perek Aleph, Halacha Hey:

“Ein Maamidim Ishah BaMalchussss, Shene’emar ‘Alechah Melech’, V’Loi ‘Malkah’. VeChain Kol Mesimois ShBiYisroel Ein Memanim Ba’Hem Ela Ish.”

“One does not place a woman in a position of king (literally – kingship), as it says in the verse (regarding appointing a king over Israel) ‘king’ and not ‘queen’. And for all leadership roles (literally – projects or initiatives or missions) in Israel we only designate a man.”

Says Reb Shmiel, based on the teachings of CHAZAL, a woman can never become the most senior political leader in the world, the President of the United States. However, according to Reb Shmiel, there are numerous positions that a woman may hold in the White House, such as First Lady, Sous Chef, or on her knees in the Oval Office while former President Bill Clinton is sitting at his desk on the phone with world leaders. (See under – Lewinsky, Monica.)

Reb Asher Katievsky agrees with Reb Shmiel, but for a different reason. Reb Asher compares the election of a woman as President, or in any leadership position, as akin to Muktza, items which are on Shabboskoidesh. And as any scholar knows – but probably not you, you Groissah ignoramus – there are four basic categories of Muktza:

-- Kli ShMelachasoi LeIssur – An object that is designed to do work forbidden on Shabbos Koidesh, such as a pen;

-- Muktza Machmass Chisaroin Kiss – An object of great value that one may come to violate the Sabbath to save from damage;

-- Muktza Machmass Goofoi – An object that has no inherent functional purpose, such as a rock. Note: It is for this reason that my colleagues in Niturei Karta designate rocks BEFORE Shabboskoidesh to throw as passing cars or immodestly dressed women, so as not to violate Hilchois Muktza. What Tza-dick-im!!;

-- Muktza Machmass Miyus – An object which is inherently disgusting, like dog shit or Rabbi Steven Pruzansky.

Says Reb Asher, a woman cannot become President of the United States because it is disgusting, it is Muktza Machmas Miyus. As proof, he quotes the esteemed scholar Reb Donald Trump who has described women as “fat pigs, dogs, slobs, and disgusting animals", and described one woman, the journalist Megyn Kelly as, "You could see there was blood coming out of her eyes, blood coming out of her wherever." According to Reb Asher, “the risk of having a President menstruate all over the carpet in the Lincoln bedroom far outweighs any benefit of representative democracy”, unquote.

However, Maharat Avigail Katievsky, Reb Asher’s sister, hold Farkhert. Maharat Katievsky holds that Le’Oilum, a woman can hold a leadership position in Klal Yisroel or anywhere else, citing well regarded female leaders from the Toirah and Jewish history, including Miriam HaNeviyah one of the early leaders of Klal Yisroel, who led Klal Yisroel along with her brothers Moishe Rabbeinu and Aharoin HaKoihain, the Minuval; Devoirah HaNeviya, who led Klal Yisroel for a generation, and Shloimtziyoin HaMalkah, the Chashmonai Queen who is perhaps the most highly regarded leader of the Hasmonian Dynasty by CHAZAL.

Further, Maharat Katievsky points to social evolution and the role of women in modern society, an era when women take on all levels of leadership and responsibility. In particular she points to recent heads of state such as former Israeli Prime Minister Golda Meir, Former Indian Prime Minister Indira Gandhi, Former British Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher, and current German Chancellor Angela Merkel. Says Maharat Katievsky, "of course LeFee Halacha you can vote for Hillary Clinton, even though she is as conniving and dishonest as a used car salesman in Las Vegas, or an investment banker, Chass V'Sholom".

So, Rabboisai, how should you vote?

I will not even entertain such a Shailah. Because I am an optimist. I believe that Moshiach will come any day now, and definitely before the election.

But even if Moshiach does not come, I am an optimist. I can always move to Israel. In addition, my Canadian citizenship should be coming through any day now. And worst case, I can always move my Yeshiva to Antarctica.

Ah Gutten Shabbos, You Minuval

Rabbi Pinky Schmeckelstein
Yeshivas Chipass Emmess

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